What Is Your HMHL? (Hot Mess Hobo Look)

carrie-bradhsaw-hot-messExcuse me while I lay flat on my bed in a coma drooling on myself, thanking the Gods from the bottom of my heart and soul that the damn holidays are over. Good. Lord. I can literally hear my body saying to me,  “Hey! You! Yeah … you! You made me gain 10 lbs, I’m dehydrated to shit, and I just had to talk your liver into not fleeing your body to a safe haven … hope we made some healthy resolutions, lady!”

If I did resolutions, which I don’t, it would be to give it a rest … for a while, at least. Literally. I’m placing my five-inch stilettos, short shorts, tights, and everything else uncomfortable I own gently in my closet and letting them collect some dust. In the meantime, I’m adopting my HMHL. What is that you ask? Let me explain …

Hot Mess Hobo Look. Yep. I’m not talking about the cute sweatpants from Alternative Apparel with the matching hoodie. Or the low-rise Juicy sweats that may be made of cotton but are such a damn chore to wear. I’m talking about the clothes you wear when no one is around … like no one. No friends, family, significant others. Okay, maybe your cat … but that is it. Here is how you accomplish said look …

1. Don’t shower. Just don’t. Wake up in the morning NOT feeling like P. Diddy and don’t shower.

2. Throw hair up in messy, non-cute bun. That’s right … no sock buns, no fancy buns that involve bobby pins … I’m talkin’ on the top of your hair with pieces of hair going to and fro … yo. And it’s okay … your hair can be greasy. Remember, NO SHOWERING!

3. No makeup. Or if you are so lazy (which is the point of all of this), you’ll have black under your eyes from mascara residue. But that’s it. Blemishes come out to play … all day. Lips might be chapped, you’ll have bags under your eyes … it ain’t pretty. But ladies, our skin needs to breathe sometimes.

4. Rock a pair of sweats that only your cat should see. This would be the pair of sweats that are so damn comfy you want to staple them to your ass, but at the same time are so ugly it could make a unicorn cry. Mine happen to be a gray pair of Steve Madden (yes, I know), cotton sweats that no longer have a string to make them tighter since it got so knotted and I’m too lazy to fix it. And since the string is gone, they shimmy down when I walk, giving you an 87% chance to see my undies when I walk. They are also super thin since I wear them like all the time and may or may not have holes in them.

5. Sweatshirt of some kind. I’m not a fan of sweatshirts, I retired them all when I graduated college … my go-to happens to be a sweatshirt-like shirt that looks like it has bleach stains all over it, but really the bleach stains were strategically placed there. Doesn’t need to match, the only focus is on comfort. Oh yeah, and it is gray to match my hole-ridden, ass showing Steve Madden GRAY pants. Mmm hmm I look super hot. Come and get me, boys.

6. Infinity scarf. I enjoy living in my American Apparel infinity scarves in the winter because I can wrap my entire body in them and they are warm. No jewelry is allowed in this look, so I consider this my hobo-chic accessory.

7. Socks/Slippers. For example right now … I’m wearing mismatching socks. Not only that, but one ankle sock and one knee-high. Why? Because I don’t care and just need to be warm. And I do own a pair of furry tan slippers from Target that go to my mid-calf and if I could find them I would so wear them right now. They really are the icing of my weird gray jump suit HMHL.

… and that is about it, my friends. Park your ass on the couch and in the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, lay like broccoli. No one will see you, no one will judge, no one will be there to care. The goal is to be so comfortable yet look like the bird lady from Home Alone 2.

I learned the art of my HMHL from my mother who literally doesn’t have one article of comfy clothing that doesn’t have a hole or bleach stain on it. And not the kind of bleach stain that was strategically placed there … I mean the kind you get from cleaning the shit out of the kitchen. And she likes it like that. Wanna know why? Because nothing is better in life than seasoned comfy clothes.

What is your HMHL?

Why I Rush In The Morning …

I am not one of those gifted people that wake up with a great attitude. Until I commute my 45 minutes and have caffeine flowing freely through my veins, I am a mute beast. And because it takes the jaws of life to get me out of bed, I snooze 15 plus times, until I’m running so late that I have to think to myself, “Why in Jesus Christ’s name did I NOT do some of these things the night before?!” So my friends, here is what keeps me on edge when my feet hit the floor running the morning;

1. Brace yourselves, because this may shock some of you … but, I don’t pick my outfit out the night before. I know, I know I’m a fashion sinner, but hey, it’s summer, I have a lot of fantastic dresses, and I usually brainstorm and ponder what I’ll wear the next day whilst in the shower or before I fall asleep. It is like a mental sketchpad. Anyways, I usually think I have it all under control until I realize what I want to wear is in the laundry, or I can’t find it, or I feel fat and hate the idea, or just hate everything I put on until all of my closet is on the floor in a chaotic mess … hi, I am now 15 minutes late to work.

2. My nails. To some, perhaps giving yourself a manicure before bed is relaxing, to me I just want to hit my pillow. So when I wake up with crack whore nails, they clearly need to be fixed. So I wait until my makeup is on, my hair is did, my outfit is on my skin and paint away. Until I remember I have to put a cardigan on, or crawl behind my bed and unplug my straightener, or switch purses, and OPI nail polish NEVER dries. Hello smudged crack whore nails, welcome back.

3. Ironing, you saucy minx. All I wanted from Santa this year was a freaking steamer, but I must have been naughty for I did not get one. I secretly envy those chicks that look so crisp in their perfectly ironed outfits, so I take the time to plug in my iron and let it warm up as I brush my teeth. Yes, I have resorted to ironing hemlines and shirts with my flat iron (which actually works quite well when you’re in a pinch). If it were socially acceptable to look like a wrinkled mess, I would. Damn you, you crisp, put together ladies, ruining it for us all!

4. Where the hell is … EVERYTHING! Like clockwork, I forget at least one thing a day. My cell phone, my ring, my iTouch, my work laptop (which is the only thing I actually HAVE to go back for), but most of the time it is my sunglasses. I swear, it is like the minute they leave my face they fall into a black hole. They are necessary because life is WAY to bright in the mornings, and I like to ease myself into sunlight for crying out loud. Where art thou my a fair shades … no for real I have not the slightest idea where they are right now.

5. Gym clothes. Let me paint you a picture. I go from work straight to yoga and change at the gym, therefore I pack a gym bag, a.k.a throw shit in a bag as I’m running out the door. I remember pants, a top, deodorant … but oh yeah, forgot shoes to change into. So yes, I was that girl walking out of the gym after a great workout in yoga pants, a tank top, my hair in a bun, water bottle in hand and the shoes I had worn to work … which happened to be three inch caged heels. Classy.

On that note, I need to go to sleep so I can get up and be a hot crazed mess tomorrow morning as well. I like to think of all the chaos above as my natural form of Redbull. Cheers.