Hydrate … For. The. Love. Of. GOD.

zoolander-mermaidI’ve been battling a Diet Coke addiction for years. There. I said it. Diet Coke is the saucy temptress that will forever be the bane of my existence. I’ve gotten on the sweet, sweet carbonated wagon, and I’ve harshly fallen off, bingeing on cans and cans a day. Ugh.

And with that being said, I loathe drinking water. Sure, when you are parched or wake up in the morning after a long night of drinking, nothing in life is better than a cold glass of water. But besides that … meh. The times where I did successfully push Diet Coke out of my life and adopted a clean drinking regime (meaning only water), I did feel amazing. I peed a lot, but I felt like gold (no pun intended?).

But my sweet, sweet, carbonated friend in the silver and red can is deceiving. You think you are choosing the “healthier soda choice” by sticking by his side. He’s slim, chic, timeless … and Taylor Swift backs him. But he has another evil henchman that stands behind him silently, also known as “Aspartame.” Ps. I feel like lightning should strike every time you say “Assssssspartame.”

Aspartame is the fucking devil. And according to a source at the FDA :::glavin:::, it is pretty into messing up your whole entire body. The list of side effects is disturbing, and I’m pretty sure I would make you fall asleep if I listed them all … yes there are THAT many. But to summarize, it may cause everything from depression, cancer, fatigue, severe anxiety attacks, and horrible pain whilst swallowing … like I said, the fucking devil. Really makes H20 a little less yawn-worthy, am I right?

So I’m not only putting myself at high risk for disease, psychological problems and pain … BUT … I’m also making myself look like a hot mess? What?! Thanks, Daily Mail, for bringing this to my attention. I’ve been investing in expensive hydrating cremes, anti-puffery serums, the souls of the young and beautiful (juuuust kidding) to make myself look vibrantly wake and stunningly amazing … and all this time, I could have just been drinking copious amounts of water?!

Yes, water is, indeed, the key to life and youth. And who knew the key to life and youth was so boring. But if you are tired of being and looking tired, saddle up and start chugging some liter jugs of water. Because apparently that’s all it takes. One to three glasses a day won’t do the trick. If you want results you need to go big or go home to the land of tired looking skin.

I do think I need Diet Coke rehab and a sponsor, for that matter. If anyone is up for the challenge, let me know. But to try to have flawless skin and look years younger just from adopting a life of water, water and more water … well that is something I might want to sign up for.


Holy Heat Wave!

Leaving work today, the inside of my car said it was 107 degrees … and what it says usually goes. In the winter, when it gets below 20 degrees … it will say something like “ice warning.” I wonder why it didn’t say something like, “holy shit your car is about to burst into flames … RUN,” today. Anyways after burning my legs on my fiery hot leather seats (I know, I know poooooor me), and listened to the weather, it was brought to my attention that most of the U.S. is in heat wave mode, 13 plus have already died, and, sigh, it is only going to get hotter throughout the week.

So for those of us who have to look like decent human beings while in our workplace, here are some suggestions on how to stay classy, chic and cool. For those of you who don’t have to go to work, I envy you … and by envy I mean hate … and really the only suggestion I have for you is to: A. Either find a bathing suit, a pool, some SPF and work on your tan, or B. Walk around naked … wanna know why? Because you can!

Who Wears Short Shorts?: A lot of dress codes aren’t down with shorts, but hopefully your dress code melts a little along with everything else in this heat. Shorts on me personally do not work because I am 5’9 and everything tends to look shorter on me than they actually are, so I would be bordering Hookerville if I wore these in my office. And I would most certainly avoid jean shorts for fear of a “Britney” moment … wait … not THAT kind of “Britney” moment … but a “Britney” moment when she was married to K-Fed and only wore beaters, jean shorts with the pockets hanging out, and trucker hats … ick. City shorts are fantastic as they are office friendly, a bit on the longer side, and completely flattering and chic paired with a the right tank. Jazz it up with some statement jewelry and a pair of fierce wedges and you, my friend, will most definitely not be sent home with a dress code violation.

Maxi Everything: I never thought I could love something more than my maxi dress, until I met the maxi skirt. Both are MUST HAVE staples, especially in a heat wave. They are simple, they breathe, they are ultimately chic, and did I mention they literally take no thought, because they don’t … and who really wants to think in this heat. People say not to wear black when it is hot out, but I refuse to retire the black parts of my wardrobe for any kind of natural disaster or weather warning, so a great maxi skirt like this one from TOPSHOP can be transformed into several different looks. And even if you are on the shorter side, there is nothing more charming than walking around having to pick up your skirt elegantly so it doesn’t graze the floor. I don’t have that problem, but I do it anyway because it makes me feel fancy.

Do The No Pants Dance: Minds out of the gutters people, seriously, who wants to wear pants when its a bazillion degrees outside? Welcome to suffocation station … supplement the pants with flowing dresses and skirts. Without a doubt, Zara has some of the most interesting and classic dresses out there (and they are having a MASSIVE SALE right now … eeeeee!) The pleated dress would be a great example of a classic look with a little bit of an edge. It’s kind of a blessing that Zara doesn’t have an e-commerce section to their website, otherwise I would be the girl who lived in her million pretty little Zara dresses. They truly have something for EVERYONE … and a lot of their stuff is work appropriate, so much that you don’t even need to throw a cardigan over it.

Hydrate For The Love of God: I know this might seem like common knowledge and you might be wanting to exit out of this blog post, pointing at your screen calling me “Captain Obvious,” but wait … wait … wait for it. Looking fashion forward instead of a hot, sweaty, disgusting, makeup melting mess … starts with water. Being properly hydrated allows your skin to naturally glow, which is the base camp for style. So make sure you carry as many water bottles as you can in that fashionable purse of yours … which can also double as a work out if you carry several. Hello killing two birds with one stone!

So everyone be mindful in this heat and take care of yourself, loved ones, pets, and the elderly. And for those of you, again, who get to kick it by a pool and work on your tan whilst sipping margaritas and other frothy drinks … I hate you, but pour some out for me.