Abominable Snowman Chic

So it is finally starting to get cold. Kinda. Sorta. Well, I mean if you think 50 degrees is terribly cold, which I do not. But like I said in an earlier post, I will be wearing my winter coat with pride because global warming will not dictate my fashion choices, only Karl Lagerfeld does that. Word.

Anywho, quite frankly the thought of putting on a mini skirt, tights and some sort of top and having ol’ man winters frigid breath torture me all night makes me want to dive head first back into my sweats, into my bed and underneath my comforter to watch a marathon of the Real Housewives (yes, my guilty pleasure). But, as females, we have the urge to hit the town. You know, let our hair down, throw our ambitions to the wind, bring all the boys to the said “yard” with our drunken dance moves and numerous other cliché things groups of girls do whilst out in the city. We’ll say things to each other like, “we don’t need guys, we just want to DANCE.” and “OMG, you are SO effing skinny,” and as the night comes to a close, my favorite and yours, “WHAAA DIS THA BISCH JUSSS SAY TO ME?!” You get the gist …

So here are just some of the reasons why it is dreadful to be a girl dressed to the nines and out of the town during the coldest months of the year, ahem:

1. The Fear Of Losing Your Coat: When you are trying to get your groove on, or even just mingle by the bar, the last thing you want to be doing is lugging around a huge coat over your arms. But the chances of you throwing it over a chair and having some drunk girl pick it up thinking your black coat is her black coat makes me not want to wear my said coat.

2. Skank Factor: Ah the summer months, times when showing some skin is such an easy thing. You throw on a cute sun dress, some strappy sandals and call it a day. When it is zero degrees out, though, it is a but more tricky. When staying warm takes over, it is then all about finding ways to show some skin without getting hypothermia and, you know … dying. The skin gets covered and the clothes get tighter.

3. Cold Weather Accessories: Just another pain in my ass. When it is brutally cold, gloves and a scarf are absolutely necessary. But when you are carrying a match stick size purse and your coat doesn’t have big enough pockets, what the hell do you do with them? You know what you do with them, you end up not wearing them and getting hypothermia. Don’t get me wrong, I live for a cute pair of gloves and a scarf, but they just aren’t made for a hot night out on the town.

4. The Rare and Allusive Long Sleeved Dress: Tell me something, any time of the year, I could go out to pretty much any store and find a really cut strapless dress, spaghetti strap dress, even a maxi dress. But why in blazing hell can I only find long-sleeved dresses that school marms from the 1800’s would wear. And the other extreme are these Kim Kardashian, sarin wrap dresses that leave NOTHING to the imagination. I don’t need everyone seeing all of my jiggly bits, thanks. Happy medium please, happy … medium. They are the perfect solution to looking sexy in the winter months … work it out, designers.

5. I Swear I’m Not an Abominable Snowman: I hate to admit this, but when I was in college and we would go out in the city, we sometimes wouldn’t wear coats and literally run from the cab to the bar in like a halter top, jeans and heels. If I had a nickel for every time some said, “Put a coat on you crazy bitch!” I would, you know … have some nickels. But regardless, we did it because A. we didn’t want to carry around our coats, B. we didn’t want the coat taking away from the outfit. Wearing out a puffy coat with a fur hood takes away from any look you are trying to create for that night. My solution: Go to a Forever 21 type store, buy a cheap, cheap coat and call it your “going out coat.” So if you lose it, stain it, light it on fire … it won’t mean anything.

The list goes on and on. Apparently we have another two months worth of looking like abdominal snowmen, ladies. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for fashions sake … I kind of can’t wait for warmer weather.

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Dressing For You

I need to preface this post by saying I am not a feminist nor am I a man hater. I don’t keep a copy of “The Feminine Mystique” by my bed and “Jagged Little Pill” is not set on repeat on my iTouch (even though it is a fabulous album). I love men, they truly are a fabulous thing.

With that being said, I just read an article about trends ladies rock that men apparently loathe … and to that I said, really? :::Sigh::: Okay, so with age you begin to realize certain things you used to spend hours and hours worrying about are, in reality, not that big of a deal. I realize I am freshly 25 and have numerous things left to learn in life, but I have picked up at least one very important piece of information that I feel compelled to share. Grab a piece of paper and a pen, put this in the “Notes” section of your iPhone, Tweet it … do what you must with it. Ahem: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T LET BOYS DICTATE YOUR STYLE … ever. 

I’m going to confess that only recently did I start dressing for myself. Sure, I buy pieces and have days where I question if people will point and laugh at what I’m wearing like we are back in the second grade. But sometimes you just need to step outside of the situation and realize, hey, we aren’t in the second grade, and if anyone makes fun of what you are wearing after, oh I dunno, you are 10 years old … then they need some serious help. But more times than not, if I want to wear a toned down tuxedo to work, I will rock it with four-inch heels. But back in the day, meaning high school and parts of college, I would dress for everyone but myself.

So three years out of college, I now have the confidence to say if you are with a guy who either A. doesn’t like your style and/or B. dumps you because of what you wear, then simply file him under “jackass” and move on to someone who not only loves you for you, but isn’t so shallow as to shun you simply for your taste in clothes. I mean for crying out loud.

So, in regards to what I wear or what girls in general wear, here is what I could care less about, dudes:

1. If you hate that I rock menswear sometimes, even if it is made for women. Six words: Madonna in the video for Vogue.

2. If you are intimidated by my four-inch heels. I realize barefoot I’m 5’9, but tall people deserve to wear to die for heels, too. And let me tell you a little secret, where the shoes come off … I go back to being 5’9, shhh.

3. If you think I wear too much makeup or not enough makeup at all. I love makeup, but let me see you apply blush in all the right places and produce a fantastic smokey eye … good luck, guy.

4. If you think maxi skirts and dresses make me look like I’m from the 1800’s.

5. If you wished I would wear more color. It isn’t that I’m depressed or gothic, black is just fantastically chic. Karl Lagerfeld gets it, why can’t you?

6. If you wish I wouldn’t wear socks with high heels. Okay, fine … MAYBE I can give you an inch on this one. But it is a ballsy fashion statement.

7. If you think my wardrobe has too much sparkle … literally. No I’m not a backup dancer for Cher, sequins are chic and happy … in moderation, of course.

8. If you want me to have manicures that are either pink, red or French. Just because I wear navy, grey, black and or dark purple polish doesn’t mean I’m going to run out and get a stud through my nose. I’m still me, my nails just get bored.

9. That you hate that my clothes aren’t always ultra tight. Being fashion forward means that some garments are expected to be a bit on the baggy side. My lady lumps are still there, I promise.

10. If my outfit doesn’t match by conventional terms. So what if I have a striped shirt on with a leopard print cardigan over it. It makes sense … I promise.

I will end this by saying Lady Gaga has a boyfriend and the genius blogger behind Man Repeller is engaged. Wear what makes you happy, ladies. The right men will follow … and hopefully the others will fall on their face chasing after you or running in the opposite direction from your “cray cray” fashion sense.

For The Love, Don’t Go To a Halloween Store

Sweet Jesus. I only frequent Halloween Stores for specific accessories, and this time I was on the hunt for a top hat. I found one, but A. there was no mirror in sight, B. the top hat was $10 (Hi, I’m cheap) and C. As I put the silly top hat on my head, I almost immediately regretted the decision as I had no idea who or what had tried the hat on before me. Ick. I then high tailed it out of that joint.

So I thought to myself, if I never ever want to step foot into a Halloween Super Store with heinous children running amuck, skank costumes hanging pathetically on a hook, and random items throw about with god only knows what all over them … I decided to list a couple of Halloween ideas for the girl who wants to be someone else for the night while looking fabulously fashion forward and chic.

1. Black Swan- First of all, the makeup itself is to die for. The big black eyes, the burgundy lips, I mean you can take the all white face or leave it … the eyes alone are the definition of sexy. Put on some hot tights (whore it up all you want), a tutu or some tulle-esque skirt, feather it up, a black tank top and a bling crown … and VUELA … you are Natalie Portman for the night.

2. Karl Lagerfeld- I know I mentioned this in a past post, but being an old man can be sexy because menswear … is sexy. So what if he is an old man, he speaks French and runs shit at Chanel. And if people don’t know who you are well … you probably shouldn’t speak to them anyways. This is a fantastic excuse to wear a lot of leather, like fingerless leather gloves, that is a must. Throw on a pair of tight black skinny pants, a white button down (another excuse to whore it up, if you must), a skinny black tie and a black blazer. Top the look off with some black shades and a skinny black tie in a bow. Leave the gray hair at home.

3. Slash- You know … from Guns N’ Roses … Sweet Child of Mine? No? Anyways, I’ll share a little secret with you, this is what yours truly will be rocking! And quite frankly another great excuse to wear leather. All you need is to ‘fro out your hair, in a sex hair kind of way, rock some black liquid leggings, a rock and roll t-shirt, or perhaps a leather vest, a top hat and some shades. Makeup wise, go for a red lip or a really smokey eye. You can even carry around a fake guitar and perhaps a bottle of Jack Daniels. You know, really inhibit the body of a true rock star.

4. Mod- I’m not a fan of wearing wigs all night at a party or out to the bar, but for this costume, you might need to. Luckily this is a really trendy look right now, so go for hardcore color blocking looks … but feel free to take it to the next level. Mix patterns, rock a black and white stripped dress with a pair of black and white polka-dotted tights. Wear some fierce pointy paten leather black heels or high to the sky go-go boots, straight blunt hair (with bangs if possible). Mod makeup is my fav. A dark black eye, with over accentuated lashes and a pink lip. If you want to have even more fun with this look, try a blue eye shadow (it isn’t as scary as it looks, I promise).

5. Olsen Twin/Rachel Zoe- Prepare yourselves because there is no way in blazing hell you can make this look sexy, but if you really don’t give a shit, go for the gold girl. Really all this involves is wearing a maxi dress/skirt, with a huge sweater over it, a pair of huge, ridiculous stilettos, a HUGE pair of sunglasses, a shocking red lip, crazed, non-brushed, wavy sex hair and wear a beanie, and walk around like a troll saying things like “BA-NANAS, I DIE,” or if you are an Olsen twin, just look 100 percent stuck up with a puckered lip. Hello lazy lady’s halloween costume.

In the meantime … I’m still in search of my fabulous top hat.

Happy Unkie Karl Day!

I clearly have no concept of time. I had these big plans of taking a half day (yes I know I’m crazy) to score some Karl Lagerfeld for Impulse at Macy’s … since I assumed it would all be scooped up in seconds. And as I was discussing the glory of the line with a friend of mine at work today … I realized, holy lord … today is the 31st!

So as you can see I am Lagerfeld-less at the current moment and there is a single tear streaming down my face. BUT the good news is you can purchase the line at Macys.com and they seem to still have all the sizes! The only issue there is that I have no idea what my sizing is in Lagerfeld (unfortunately), so the thought of getting the piece, realizing it doesn’t fit, only to take it back to the store to see that they are out of the size I’m looking for, thus leaving me Lagerfeld-less AGAIN would be utterly heart wrenching.

So therefore I’m going to hold out until I can make it to a Macy’s … hopefully this upcoming weekend (fingers crossed). Oh how I fantasize about the day when a garment is hanging in my closet with a tag that says Lagerfeld on it. I imagine my closet would automatically get this vibrant glow to it.

I hope some of you lovely ladies got some Lagerfeld in your life today. In the meantime, I will just have to dream about the garments I have been stalking these past few weeks, like these …sigh:

Chanel Haute Couture Translations

It is wrong to say you hate Chanel, or an article of Chanel clothing, or Karl Lagerfeld. It is much like cursing in church. Sure, you could absolutely go for it, but technically your soul will burn in Hell for the rest of eternity. Therefore, I refuse to say I didn’t like the Chanel Fall 2011 Haute Couture show … I just refuse.

Welcome to the world of couture, walking artwork telling us the story of Coco Chanel. Let’s just say if someone were to hand me a look from the show, I would rip off my clothing Clark Kent style, throw it on, and probably twirl around in sheer ecstasy for hours.

Even though these looks are highly unobtainable to the average Josephine (yours truly), there are definitely some trends that one could rock in order to praise the church of Chanel.

1. Who had LA Lights sneakers when you were a kid, because I sure did, and I loved them to pieces. Heinously ugly, but I love a simple thing like a sneaker with an eclectic attribute. So I clearly am a huge fan of the light up heels and boots at the end of this show. It was such a futuristic, “here I am moment.” Heels that light up are now on the top of my Varuca Salt, “But DADDY I WANT IT NOW,” list.

2. The lace over the models eyes made me want to run to JoAnn’s Fabrics and snatch up some gothic-inspired lace and drape my face in it. How delicate but really edgy all at the same time. You may think I joke about running to JoAnn Fabrics, but this haute couture form of accessorizing can be very affordable.

3. Lagerfeld wears badass fingerless leather gloves that I have been obsessed with for years. And in this show almost every look had a pair of fingerless gloves that went all the way up to the elbow or beyond. Some were leather, some were lace. Either way, I will be investing in a pair for the fall … and I probably won’t take them off … ever.

Can you tell I’m obsessed with Karl Lagerfeld? Yes it is Chanel, and it is Paris, and he had this show at like 10 p.m. Paris time which is so unheard of, and it is Karl Lagerfeld, and it is haute couture.

Shows like these are meant for the ideas flowing down the runway to be adopted, so translate and make them your own!