An Open Letter About Slut Shaming

23-1422001202-kim-kardashian-selfish-book-coverI personally loathe the word “slut.” It should only be used when your cat is like laying on its back spread eagle like an idiot. Then you can be all, “look at that slut.” There ya go. But when it comes to women and the choices they make in life, meh … let’s refrain, shall we? 

So I get why Kim Kardashian got so infuriated when people started calling her out on social media about her nude selfie. She woke up one morning with “nothing to wear” and wanted to show the world her bod. Okay. That was her decision. Who am I to comment?

But Kim Kardashian is a brand. Like M&M or Budweiser. Her strategy is sex. She is dripping with it from her curve hugging outfits to her racy photoshoots. Sex to her is what the Clydesdales are to Budweiser and what “melt in your mouth, not in your hard” is to M&Ms. So we can’t shame her for having a consistent brand message, now can we? 

For example my brand message on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra is NOT sex … in fact it is the total opposite. I talk about sweating through my bra for fucks sake (which PS totally happened to me today). So if I saw Kim’s nude selfie and said to myself, “hey, weird, I have nothing to wear EITHER.” Dropped trou, and posted a nude selfie, it would not only be offensive, but weird and awful, and I think I would make the entire Instagram platform melt. 

Everyone has a brand, whether they like to believe so or not. You’re promoting yourself to get into a good school, or just get your first part-time job or gain respect from people you admire. You’re making yourself look good so you can get that dream job or that promotion you’ve been after. Or just trying to reach goals you’ve set for yourself.

And the interwebs can fuck all of that up in a mili-second. Because most of us who aren’t Kim Kardashian don’t have a multi-bazillion dollar brand that is dripping in sex. And by most of us I mean probably none of you reading this. Hence why sending nude pics or posting nude selfies just isn’t cool. They will, I promise, come back to bite you in your bare ass.

Can you imagine sitting in front of Anna Wintour for a coveted editor position at Vogue and have her turn her iPhone around to you with a photo of you posing topless covering up your nips asking, “and what do you have to say about this?” MOR-TIF-YING. And so not worth it. You have a hot bod? Cool … go oogle yourself in the mirror. 

While I applaud Kim for having a consistent brand message and being proud of who she is and her sexuality (really I am), I think we all need to step back and reflect on what OUR brand message is. For me it’s straight snark and sarcasm. In no way, shape, or form will you EVER see any of my giggly bits on any social media channel, I can promise you that. But if you’re in high school, your brand is getting into a good school and getting your shit together. And there ain’t no room for nude selfies in that equation, my friends.

So unless Annie Leibovitz asked you to do a nude shoot for an art exhibit or Vanity Fair, I would say just don’t do it. Unless you are Kim Kardashian. Which you aren’t. So there is no need to emulate that shit. Because if you do, you need to be prepared for the repercussions. And unless you can handle being ruthlessly made fun of and called derogatory names, while having potentially great opportunities disappear then I say think before you post. HARD. 

And always remember, you are NOT Kim Kardashian. 

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What A Bleach!

465268104Oh em gee, you guys, Kim Kardashian’s hair is platinum blonde. What in the living EFF?!

Okay, clearly, just kidding. Remember? We shant speak like that moving forward. But in all seriousness, her hair went from midnight to platinum blonde overnight. And according to her Instagram (not that I follow her or stalk her or anything :::shifty eyes:::) it only took one dye job to do so. And to that, I gotta say, OUCH.

I started dying my hair when I was 18, like an idiot. No matter how many adults told me, “once you start you really can’t stop,” much like Pringles … I didn’t believe them slash didn’t care. Because just like when eating Pringles … I could stop, okay?! I wanted JUST a tint of red to my brunette locks. Just a tint. Not a big deal. Hmph … famous last words.

A day after I turned 18, and the same day my friends were throwing me a surprise party, I went to get my hair dyed for the first time. My stylist put the dye onto my hair, and immediately, it felt like my scalp was on fire (Again … I just wanted a HINT of red). The pain was excruciating, and the worst part was, I couldn’t do anything about it. I tried to itch the side of my head casually to give myself some relief, but it just caused my finger nails to turn a weird color. The pain was so bad I almost began to panic.

Since I was a hair dying neophyte, I assumed this is what happens when you put chemicals on your head … severe, tears in the eyes, pain. Little did I know one thing and one thing only causes this sensation to happen: bleach.

Bleach hurts like a mother fucker. All I wanted to do was run my head under cool water while someone massaged my scalp to relieve me of the hell my scalp was enduring. If I was smart and knew what was happening, perhaps I would have been like, “ummm dude, why the hell did you put bleach on my head when all I WANTED WAS A GOD DAMN TINT OF RED! NOW I LOOK LIKE THIS!”

CarrotTop.3.250Hey, you live and you learn. But everyone knows becoming a blonde is a very long and painful process, especially if you have dark hair. It takes steps. And unless you want to have straw for hair, a platinum blonde look cannot be accomplished in one sitting. Right? I mean that is what stylists have told me for years … not that I want to be blonde or anything (or do I!?)

So for Kim Kardashian to go from long brown hair to a short, platinum do, I mean … I assume it looked a lot like this:

enhanced-buzz-1142-1367424408-19I’ll give it to her, though. She is the definition of embracing pain for the sake of being beautiful and making a statement. And that is what fashion is all about, right? I’ve been staring at myself in the mirror for over a week now, yawning at my hair. I’m not saying I’m going to turn into a platinum blonde goddess overnight (because A. I don’t want to do that B. I don’t employ the same mystical glam squad Kim K does). But it does make me think about broadening my horizons when it comes to my hair.

So hats off to her for this edgy new look. Because I’ve decided having the same hair color and cut that you have in your high school graduation picture is not a good thing (yeah … I’m referring to myself).

Respecting Thy Mother

kris_jenner_cryingI don’t have kids, and I probably won’t have kids for some time. But I do have a mother … one who I adore and respect unconditionally. So for the life of me, I could never, as a daughter, EVER, imagine sending her an email bashing her sense of style like Kim Kardashian did to Kris Jenner. I just can’t. The concept boggles my mind.

“I love you mom but no more pilgrim adams family outfits. You have exhausted this look done. Move on. We need chic, tight dresses, not this omish shit anymore.”

If I would Kris Jenner, fire balls would have exploded in my eyes as I was reading this, and I most likely would have punted the device I was reading this on (you know, because I’m Kris Jenner and can afford to buy a new one instantaneously).

And I get it, I get it, this is probably part of the master Kardashian PR plan to take over the world, I mean, hello, look at this shit, I’m even writing about it. But Jesus Christ, woman, I don’t care if you are doing this to get Instagram followers or hypnotize all of us to become you, respect your mother, dammit..

In the real, non-Kardashian ruled world, if I told my mom basically her sense of style was shit, I’m pretty sure she would go outside and cry, tell me everything was fine, and passive aggressively not talk to me for an extended period of time. Because that is how non-Kardashian people deal with shit. But at the end of the day, she would never change her style, because it’s all about what you like, right?

Wrong, sir, WRONG! Because when Kim Kardashian dictates something, it means you HAVE to do it. Kris Jenner, mother, momager, pilgrim, was seen this past weekend in a skin tight black dress, because Kim said so. Woof. Poor Kris Jenner, she would do anything for that 10%.

And seriously, Kim, your mother is not one of your accessories. Not everything in your life can be minimalistic. I know Kris Jenner is probably a huge pain in the ass who thinks she is way younger than she is, and wishes she could be you, but my God, leave her alone. She’s your mother. She birthed you. Literally, you came out of her vagina. If you come out of a person’s vagina, rule #1 is to respect said person no matter what.

If my mother wanted to dress like Bozo the Clown, I would let her rock the Bozo look (which would never happen because my mother’s sense of style is perfection to the point where I wish I could steal her clothes but she is WAY too tiny). But if she was wearing something questionable, I would probably tell her it was slightly off in a better way then via a grammatically incorrect email. And in a way that wouldn’t make her cry. Or in a way that wouldn’t make her need to share with the world via her Instagram that I have completely no respect for her.

Nothing is worse when you are out and about and see a bratty kid, tormenting their mother, begging for something, and the mother being all, “okay Timmy, here is your candy.” And the kid is basically all, “yeah bitch, that’s what’s up!” Instead of being like, “wow, Mommy, thank you so much for being the best Mom in the world.” Welp, Kim Kardashian has been reduced to that bratty kid in the mall we all want to kick. “Mom, why aren’t you wearing Balmain, why aren’t you more like me, why do you look like a pilgrim, WEH, WEH, and WEH.” Shut up, Kim. Seriously.

Waist Train THIS

CaptureIf you happen to follow any of the Kardashian klan on Instagram (not that I do … or … anything ::shifty eyes:::) you begin to notice that they are totally pushing products on us. “Wait, if I take those pills that Khloe is holding in that pic my hair will look as amazing as hers!?!” Cha-ching! No kids, your hair probably won’t look as good as her hair, for she has hair minions following her around at all times making sure it stays at that pristine level of perfection. I’m on to your product mind games, Kardashian’s, I’m on to you.

Recently I’ve seen Kim Kardashian posting pics of herself, duck face and all, in what looks like a torturous mid-evil device wrapped around her core. What is this said tortuous device? Was she on a movie set? But no, in fact, she was in her living room, doing what is called “waist training” in an effort to compress her core. WHAT?! I know right, my brain exploded, too.

I’ve seen some ridiculous shit in the name of weight loss. Pills, pills that could kill you but promise to make you stick figure thin, machines that giggle you until the fat is gone, a massaging agent that shrinks fat cells, I mean you name it, it has been invented. But Jesus Christ, a corset-like device that trains your waist and decreases its size over time?! Is this real life?

I mean women, for centuries, have worn corsets underneath their dresses to give the illusion of a smaller waist, but the genius of it all is that you get to take it off at the end of the evening and down a cheeseburger. But this nonsense, a garment that will train your waist to be smaller, similarly to how you train a dog to sit or roll over, makes no sense … no sense at all. “Good waist … now go down a size smaller, come on girl, you can do it, come it. That’s a good waist! Yes you are, YES you are!” Think about it, where does the fat go? Wearing this waist trainer doesn’t make the fat evaporate … so its gotta go somewhere, right? I’m no scientist, in fact I’m an idiot when it comes to science and math related topics, but I know I’m right here.

I know, I know … beauty hurts. We have to go through some fucked up things to keep up with the Jones’ in the beauty department. Waxing, wearing Spanx, wearing corsets, sky high stilettos, god damn strapless bras. But I’m putting my foot down with these waist trainers. Not up in here … NOT up in here.

For any celebrity pushing these on the general population, shame on you. What ever happened to eating healthy and working out? Namaste bitches … right? And if we went on a hamburger bender (man I’m really craving a burger) the night before a red carpet event, we suck it in with Spanx. Wearing Spanx doesn’t train our bodies to do something physically impossible, it gives us the golden ticket to be able to go on a burger bender and still look like we don’t have a fat roll on us. Uncomfortable as hell, but they have a purpose. A purpose that isn’t damaging to our bodies.

A waist the size of a Disney princess is not realistic … or attractive. Kim Kardashian is a freak of nature and I bet the evil people behind these “Waist Trainers” are giving her mad money to hypnotize her followers and make them invest. Wearing Waist Trainers didn’t give her that bod … she has an army of people smacking carbs out of her hand and whipping her out of bed to work out every morning.

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Look, we all want to look our best. We all secretly see those commercials for weight loss pills and want to try them but know a few years down the road some lawyer on TV will be promoting a class action law suit for these weight loss pills who gave people a rare form of cancer. We all hate working out. But life is tough enough … why add on to it by wearing some torturous device that probably compresses all of your organs together (which cannot be good), doesn’t allow you to get the proper amount of oxygen, AND stops you from binging on burgers (seriously, will SOMEONE get me a damn burger).

Be healthy, be smart … eat a damn burger once in a while … and literally do the opposite of everything Kim Kardashian does outside of the fashion realm, because, gotta admit, the girl’s got style … thanks to Kanye, of course.

Kardashian Konfession

rs_604x1024-140520095320-634.kim-kardashian-shopping-parisI don’t understand the craze with the royals, never have. Now, don’t throw stuff at me when I say this, but I find Will and Kate ridiculously boring. Oh she shops at J.Crew? Riveting. Oh, she wore the same thing she did last week? Welcome to my typical Wednesday. I mean, yawn. Down right, yawn.

But what I’m about to admit is painful for me … and slightly embarrassing, but I have to get this off my chest. :::Sigh::: Okay, here goes … I’m … quite obsessed with Kim and Kanye. No I won’t refer to them as “Kimye” … but yeah, I find them so ridiculously intriguing, if I could sit in front of my TV and watch E! News updates on them all day, I would. Now … go ahead, judge me. I deserve it.

I’ve been a Kanye West fan for years. People think he’s crazytown, I see him as an artist. Kim? Well … yes, I’ve pretty much watched every episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians (because sometimes I just want to put my brain on an invisible shelf and drool), but I’ve always found her to be a little … oh, I don’t know, full of herself? Is that the right way to explain her?

But this Kanye West rebrand of Kim Kardashian (because that’s what happened … they fell in love and he rebranded her) is epic and completely fascinating to me. She went from this Herve Leger, hoop earring, Phantom riding, lip liner, extension rocking, party host in Vegas to this silent beauty with such style and class in everything she does. Like she isn’t just known for her big ass anymore, she is actually known for her style. What?

And Kayne didn’t just rebrand Kim, he rebranded the entire family. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall during that conversation. “Yo, listen. No wearing colors. Only rockin’ french brands. No more eating. No more blowing off the gym. Everyone gets a waist slimmer instructor. Kendall … I’m going to call up my boy Marc so you can walk in his show.” He probably had stricter demands, let’s be real … but he totally curated that family. Who curates an entire family?!

The issue with all of this that I’m having is I find myself on the train to work, drifting off in my imagination, thinking about what kind of plastic surgery Kim got (seriously though, what did she have done … she looks effing amazing). And what will her wedding dress will look like. And if all of this will be televised so I can get all of my questions answered. Why wouldn’t I be thinking about my to-do list for the day, or my goals in life. No. I’m pondering what Kim’s diet regiment is and how I can get on it. Sick. Sick sick sick.

I’m not saying Kim and Kanye are the American version of the royal family. Absolutely not … I refuse to be that guy. I am saying my obsession with them is slightly frightening. Not like I’m going to fly to France and stalk them frightening, just a little unerving. It’s like staring at something shiny. I just can’t turn away. Slash her style is insanely on point. Every outfit she has been rocking in France this week … I need. Now. (See! The fact that I even know about all of her outfits in France is kind of vom-worthy. Am I right? Who AM I?!)

Now all I need is a Kanye West to come into my life and rebrand me. Any takers?

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Welp … Kanye Got His Way

Kanye West new video Bound 2 featuring Kim KardashianHere is how I believe it went down … ahem:

Kanye: Yo Anna, let Kim rock Vogue.

Anna Wintour: :::Laughing hysterically::::

—–Month later—–

Kanye: Anna, about Kim being on the co …

Anna Wintour: Before you even start, I’m going to stop you right there. No.

—–Month later—–

Anna Wintour’s receptionist: Anna, Kanye is on line 1

Anna Wintour: Tell him no then hang up

—-Month later at an after party—-

Kanye: Anna, Kim needs to rock that cover.

Anna Wintour: No.

Kanye: Anna.

Anna Wintour: NO.

—-Month later—-

Kanye: Anna, please.

Anna Wintour: No

Kanye: YES! This is happening.

Anna Wintour: NO!

—–Month later—-

Kanye: Listen …

Anna Wintour: JESUS CHRIST. FINE. FINE. PUT HER ON THE DAMN COVER. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. FUCK.

——And scene—-

Anna Wintour totally got bamboozled. I mean if Ye kept harassing me enough with ridiculous requests as I was trying to run a fashion empire … I would most definitely give him exactly what he wanted to shut him up. I mean, it’s only one cover, right?

Well I’ve been going back and forth about how I feel about this. Apart of me loathes Kim Kardashian and everything she stands for. But another part of me has this weird obsession with her. Hell I chopped my hair off this week basically due to her influence. And I adore the fact that she rarely wears color. See? Weird obsession.

But after a lot of thought (pathetic, right?), I think when Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s started, or post sex tape, Kim K was a hot dirty mess. She pretty much was a hot dirty mess up until she started dating Kanye. See examples below. Hell. We all make mistakes.

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And now let’s look at Kim Kardashian under Kanye’s spell, shall we:

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It’s all magic. Pure magic. It makes me not only want to up my style game, but start breaking the bank buying designer fashions. It’s flawless … and basically all because of Kanye. The man has taste. As cray as people think he is, he actually is kind of a creative genius. All good artists are cray. That is a fact.

So therefore I believe Kim K is the fashion industry’s pheonix. Kanye made her rise from the ashes of bandage dresses and oversized belts so she can rub shoulder’s with the fashion industry kings and queens … so much that she is on the cover of freaking Vogue … after Anna Wintour said she would NEVER put a reality star on the cover. And once upon a time I would have 100% agreed with her, but the girl has kind of proven herself to be not just trendy, but classically stylish … and I think that is what Vogue is all about. I mean the girl isn’t going around rocking crop tops and trucker hats and indulging in all things trendy. She is wearing looks fresh off the runways of fashion weeks from around. the. world.

And let’s be real, every person that has graced the cover of Vogue most likely has or had a full-time stylist. Kim K’s stylist just happens to be her future husband. I can only pray for a man to come into my life and throw out everything in my closet and replace it all with couture. I mean that is every girl’s dream. Right? No? Just me?

Throw stuff at the screen if you must, but I think it’s kind of okay that she is on the cover … because she is gracing the cover with the guy who made her rise from the fashion industries ashes.

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Who Are You When You Travel?

I don’t travel much. Partially because I loathe flying and partially because I don’t have time slash can’t really afford to go to the places I would like and therefore don’t see the point (i.e. London/Paris). Not really a big deal because again … I loathe flying for fear I will come crashing down in a fiery awful death. But I digress.

I AM flying this upcoming Wednesday for work … which I’m kind of pumped about. And as I sit here in a lazy state putting off doing laundry, planning outfits for my three days of hotel room living, and finding my suitcase even … I find myself fixated on “the plane outfit.” The plane outfit is important because you want to be comfortable, yet you really want to be stylish. Because … you know … the paparazzi will surely be chasing me throughout the terminal. And then I think about what kind of celeb I want to be whilst traveling. Do I want to be …

Kim Kardashian: She gets photographed traveling … a lot. She is like an airport whore. I can’t believe I’m saying this … but I dig her airport style. Comfortable, chic … large shades, hair in a chic messy bun.  I could totally rock this look … you know, with my Louis carry on and my (probably) over-the-knee Loub boots (riiiiigggghhhhhht.)

It says, “yeah I’ve got style … yet leave me the hell alone, I may or may not be hung over and I may or may not want to talk to you.”

 

 

 


Madonna: 
The material girl likes to get down with layering whilst traveling, to the point where you wonder if she even has ta’s and an ass. But I gotta say … slightly genius. I’m personally flying from a cold climate to a warm-ish one and thought to myself how to go from wearing a coat to rocking flip-flops. You do it through layering. Madge could literally fly from New York in the spring to Antarctica, back down to Jamaica in mid-summer and then back to San Fran in Mid-july and be COMPLETELY prepared for all of the above.

Sure her style here isn’t really my “look” per se. But I will agree with the scarf so you can hide from the paparazzi (for all you starlets out there) or really annoying people who like to strike up conversation with you whilst traveling (for all us normal folk).

And yes … the oversized bag is a MUST. I am actually stressing out about what bag to take that will keep all of my belongings, passport, laptop, iphone, etc., safe, sound and stylish.

The hat … I’m going to politely disagree with this one, M. But hey, we all need outlets to express our personal style, right?

Audrey Hepburn: Or you could go old Hollywood-chic when traveling with the very proper dress, overcoat, chic slicked back hair, heels, tights … woof.

Honestly, Audrey can do no wrong in my eyes. But the fact that women had to travel like this back in the day makes me weep. At the end of the day … unless you have millions and bazillions of dollars … traveling is an exhaustifying bitch. There HAS to be a balance between being stylish and comfortable. But the “proper” nowadays, while traveling, unfortunately, gets punted out the window.

Sorry, Audrey. You lose, my friend.

Paris Hilton: And then there is this, sigh. I get it, you may be flying really early or really late … you may just want to be über comfy, or you might just have a fetish with your monotone jumpsuit, I’m not sure. But this isn’t okay. It also isn’t okay to have “PINK” or anything else across your ass whilst traveling, just sayin’. From me to you, holmes … don’t just roll out of bed and hop a plane. At least do what hipsters do and put effort into looking like you just rolled out of bed.

Lady Gaga: Looking to make a statement? Welp … you can ALWAYS rock this look …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

… and then there is this …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

… and then there is this …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I gotta say … and apart of me hates myself for agreeing with her … but I think I’m a “Kim Kardashian” flyer. Granted she is heading to her private plush jet with endless bottles of Dom and I’m going to my peanut seat in coach awaiting my ant size bag of pretzels … but she has the right idea and the three must-have whilst flying.

1. Big scarf (circle scarf is possible)

2. Exceptionally large shades

3. Large bag you could potentially stick a small human in

Boom. Safe flying this week … lovely readers!