CATS! The Musical

originalNo not really … but side note, I totally got a VHS tape of CATS! The Musical for Christmas one year, and totes watched it more than once … which is probably too many times. Memory … all alone in the moonli … alright, I’ll stop.

Back in the day, you know, when I was in elementary school, it was cool to like cats. It was also cool to eat glue, hate boys, and wear 15 different colors of neon at once, but I digress. I definitely owned a few Lisa Frank trapper keepers with some cats mixed in with unicorns and puppies, along with a few cat pencils, and maybe even an embroidered cat sweatshirt. I mean who didn’t? To be clear, I wasn’t obsessed with my cat, these are just the things offered to children to wear and use in the 90’s, and my mom indulged.

And then once middle school and high school hit, cats became uncool. I was lucky it I petted my cat once a week. I suppose I was too caught up in useless drama and learning the moves to Britney Spears’ new music video. Even in college I remember making a pact with my roommate to intervene if either of us showed signs of becoming cat ladies.

But now … in 2013 … the amount of cat swag that people are actually buying AND wearing astonishes me. I would have gotten my ass beat in high school (and by beat I mean the rich mean girls would have totes made fun of me behind my back and spread rumors around that I was a cat lady and my house was covered in litter instead of rugs) if I rocked a sweatshirt from Forever 21 that said CAT in big bold letters.

Alas it is the cool thing to do … to be obsessed with cats. Hipsters who once flocked to fedoras and ball smothering skinny jeans, are now flocking to cats. I really hope animal orphanages all over the country are feeling the positive effect of this movement. I mean hell … even I just adopted a baby cat back in August and have become obsessed with her to the point where I talk about her and photograph her like it were my child. If you follow me on Instagram (which is should), you will understand this. By the way her name is Ellsworth (after Ellsworth Kelly … one of my favorite painters) and I just bought her a sparkly red collar for Christmas … eeeee!

Maybe it is because once closeted cat people feel free to come out and say, “Yes. world! I own a cat … and love it … and his name is Mr. Whiskers … and I make him wear a bow tie!” And one thing people who love cats more than cats … is OTHER people who love cats. Trust. It is the thing to connect with in your late 20’s or 30’s when you don’t have children.

But I just don’t know if I need to express my love for my cat via my fashion choices. My fear is that years from now I will look back and shake my head in shame, much like how I view my Lisa Frank cat trapper keeper and VHS tape of CATS! The musical. Yes, a lot of these cat-inspired items are adorable … and hey some are actually chic … but I have a feeling this “cat lady couture” just won’t last forever, I don’t care if all of it is in black and white. One day, being called a “Cat Lady” will actually go back to meaning you own 15 plus cats, don’t brush your hair, and will be single for the rest of your time on Earth.

But for now … if you don’t like cats … I don’t trust you.

Capture 31558000-02 8335f4e318e19102b4d8071a386cd591 Forever21 Cat Chiffon Shirt2 Capture2

Refusing To Get My Nails Did.

Okay, at first I thought this whole crazed nail polish trend was innovative and cute … you know just another way to self express. Studded nails, color blocked nails, two nails painted a different color. It was all subtle but really cool. But literally everyday it keeps getting more and more cray. And today I had it, I just had it. I saw a new nail design and literally said to myself at my desk, “for the love of God, what kind of crack are we on ladies that we would subject our nails to this.”

What threw me over the edge you ask? It was kind of a two part downward spiral. It started with the Golden Globes. I’ll give it to the ladies this year, some really fantastic fashion all around … minus Meryl Streep. The woman can act her ass off, but ask her to throw on a black tie gown well … yikes. Anyways, Zooey Deschanel was there … and quite frankly I absolutely was not a fan of her look, well … and I’m not really a fan of her, but that is a WHOLE different story, we are talking nails here. The bright green and black dress really threw me for a loop … and so did the tux nails. What? Seriously, black tie affair … THE GOLDEN GLOBES and you have tuxedos on your nails? Who are you? Sure, its cute. But I don’t think the Golden Globes are a place for “cute.” Fierce? Yes. Bad ass? Yes. But cutesy … NOPE. Tuxedos belong on men … and sometimes ladies, not nails, kay?

And then today was the end all be all that officially took this trend and set fire to it. Two words: Lisa Frank. Okay, to most girls it is a fabulous flashback of their childhood filled with fantastic Lisa Frank school supplies. Yes, I had a Lisa Frank trapper keeper, but basically it reminds me of those moments in summer when “Back To School” advertising started and ruined all of my freedom, which would send me into a frenzy of anxiety. Oh yeah, it also reminds me of ugliness. But apparently, THIS is a new nail trend. Remember those multicolored rainbow neon Dalmatians, unicorns, cheetah print, kittens and rainbows? Oh yeah, they expect me to put that shit on my nails? Really?

So this is where I say enough, ladies. Maybe it is because I’m getting older, but in no way, shape or form do I think it is chic or stylish or even hipster-chic to paint your nails in all of these crazy patterns and styles … especially Lisa Frank … for the love of God. Have you ever tried to produce any of these styles, by the way? Okay, I’ll admit it, I wanted my nails navy with a black stripe going down the middle. So I got the skinny brush for the stripe and it turned into a big fat, frustrating disaster area with a lot of cursing and nail polish remover spills. Not as easy as these trend setters claim to be, even with step by step tutorials.

I personally enjoy the good ol’ fashion solid colors, maybe even doing two nails a different color … but that is as cray cray as I will take it. This look is, you know … classy, sophisticated, chic. I would rather not look down at my nails and have flashbacks of back to school hell and bad decisions made with school supplies and have to wonder … hmmm am I 5 years old or 25?

If you are between the ages of 5-18, go for the gold with these outlandish nail trends. The rest of us ol’ bags … let’s keep it simple.

*FYI I’m marking this as the most conservative post I will EVER write. I even scared myself a bit. In fact to shake off my conservative thoughts, I have to admit that I once coveted Gaga’s nails when she had a ring pierced through one of them. There, now I feel better.