Bo Without The Tox

mac-cremestick-liners-side-in-handWhen I think of lip liner, I think 1980s nightmares. I suppose it was because I used to watch shows from the 1980’s growing up, like Matlock, yes, Matlock, and all the women had on what seemed to be really heinous lip liner. So I would sneak into my moms room and try to recreate these ridiculous looks with that I thought was lip liner, but was really an eye brow pencil. Yeah … it was hot.

Lip liner has never been something I have used. When I learned how to apply makeup for the first time, never once did someone hand me a lip liner and tell me the benefits. Even to this day, I’ve gotten my makeup did a considerable amount of times and never once did a makeup artist take a lip liner to me. You can understand why I assumed it was a nightmare from the 80’s since no one seemed to be bringing it back … much like blue eye shadow.

Now, I’m very skeptical when I get my makeup done by anyone. Strictly for fear that they will make me look a hot mess. So this past weekend I was in a wedding and therefore, had to get my makeup did because doing my own makeup for special events makes me sweat profusely. I had seen her work on a few of the other bridesmaids and all of them looked lovely, so I took a deep breath and let her work her magic.

…Until she whipped a lip liner out. It went a little something like …

Me: What is that?
Makeup Artist: Lip liner.
Me: Umm …
Makeup Artist: :::starts applying:::
Me: I don’t really …
Makeup Artist: No talking.
Me: But my lips are soooo dry … uh okay this is happening.

And before you knew it, my lips were lined and shaded in … and then a thick layer of gloss was spread evenly on top (how gross does that sound … my God). I told this woman to make me look as flawless as Kim Kardashian (yes, I really did that. Shame me all you want, the woman has amazing makeup on at all times). I didn’t know that meant Kardashian sized-lips, too.

My lips are thin. Not like freakishly thin, but sometimes when I smile, my top lip goes away. And sometimes I get excited when my gums blend in to my top lip to make it look bigger in pictures. Yep. That happens … sometimes.

So when I looked in the mirror for the first time I was shocked, scared and waiting for my friends to exclaim, “what up Bozo, how’s clown school treating you?” But they didn’t … in fact they were raving about my makeup. When you normally don’t wear a ton of makeup and see yourself all “done up,” it’s a shock, BUT a good shock. Always remember that.

Back to my lips though … my GAWD, I had them! I couldn’t stop staring at them! Who needs a needle filled with Botox injected into your lips when there is this magical thing called lip liner that gives the illusion of a bigger lip. Ta-da! AND … my favorite part … it makes your lip color stay on longer … what?! I know, right?

Lip liner, seriously, where have you been all my life? I don’t normally do this, but I’ll show you the awful pic I took of myself the minute I saw the finished product, I believe the kids are calling this a “selfie” nowadays. I know right, don’t my lips look all Botox-ey?!


And I Just Wanted A New Bronzer …

After getting a good nights rest, for once … I threw on a pair of skinny jeans, my Rolling Stones T-shirt, threw my hair (which was overdue to be washed) in a messy bun, put on some oversized shades so I could hide from the world because I looked a hot mess and went out on my quest for the day: To invest in a new bronzer. Why not Sephora? Well … too many expensive temptations there. Ulta’s higher end makeup section is more refined. I don’t like asking for a bronzer recommendation and being offered YSL’s latest color palette, okay. Homegirl is on a budget. At Ulta you can either go to the land of Smashbox or Benefit, and if they aren’t doing it for me then I move over to the world of Revlon and Maybelline. Genius and affordable.

So I go in … minding my own business, investigating the mascara’s when this fantastic guy asked if I needed any help. Wasn’t wearing an Ulta shirt or name tag? Had better makeup on than any woman in the place? Hello makeup rep … how ya doing? Rule number 1: Only trust the makeup advice of actual makeup reps when wandering around these places lonesome. They know how to apply makeup and know the brands and how they function. So I politely said, “no thank you,” but then said to myself, honestly what would it hurt to get his opinion on what would look best on me. Remember … I judge a makeup artist by the makeup they wear … and he passed with flying colors.

So I walked over and retracted my statement about how I didn’t need help. He told me to sit down at his station and then flew away to get products … uh oh. I made it clear that all I wanted was a simple bronzer, yet he came over with all of this jazz. Primer, blush, foundation/blush, all these brushes … my God. Turns out he was a Laura Geller rep and all of this was Laura Geller makeup. I knew I looked heinous. My skin was all broken out, I was barely wearing any makeup … but Christ … did I need all of this?

After giving me my Ph.D. in Laura Geller makeup, he started with a face primer and explained every aspect of it … every. aspect. It was kinda fab … I’ll give him that much and yea … I did end up buying it. It is called Spackle Tinted Under Make-up Primer and feels like spa heaven when applied. But then it was like this foundation-ey looking stuff … then blush … then eye shadow … then the blush that turns into eye shadow. Applying all these different colors to different parts of my face. Sitting there trying to act interested but wondering how the hell I ended up sitting here acting interested in a makeup brand I have never even heard of. Typical me.

You know what the worst part was. Sitting there … mirrorless, listening to the whole spheal, getting done-up by a complete stranger who may or may not know what he/she is doing and wondering the whole time if you will look fab or a hot tranny mess. The makeup was weightless … which was a good sign, but I still had my doubts. There was too many different colors and brushes going every which way. He then allowed me to review his work and the minute the mirror hit my face I had to pull out my voice and enthusiasm I keep tucked away for during the holidays when I get horrendous gifts. It was a lot if look … I’ll leave it at that. My cheeks were a different color that my chin, my forehead was a different color than my nose … and my neck was still pale as shit. But oh no … he wasn’t done.

So then he starts on my eyes. Yes people, I have blue eyes. Correct. And yes, golds and browns make blue eyes pop. NOT ORANGE. For the love of Christ. NOT ORANGE. This is the SECOND makeup artist that has applied orange God damn eye shadow to my eyes. Seriously, why is there even an orange eye shadow. And not only that … but applying it up to my eyebrows and like all the way close to my temples? Like, what? Seriously, what? I looked like an ex-broadway actress who lives in an alleyway in NYC by a dumpster who only wears a mink coat, pearls, has lipstick on her teeth and lots and lots o’ cats.

I had come into Ulta just wanting a simple new bronzer, and all of a sudden I had spent 45 minutes in some makeup artists chair and turned into a done-up mess. Dirty hair thrown up in a hot mess bun, vintage Rolling Stones T-shirt and jeans … and I pretty much was ready for the prom, and not in a good way. He STILL wasn’t done though. THEN there was the lipstick. But oh no, this lipstick had vitamin E in it and didn’t even really feel like lipstick because who wears lipstick there days … yeah I get it … LET. ME. GO.

So I ended up settling with the tinted primer, which they ran of out. Christ. Then I felt bad because this dude had just spent 45 minutes selling me on the ways of Laura Geller and I ended up walking away with just Benefit mascara. Wait … didn’t I go there for bronzer? Yeah, that’s what I thought to. Instead I got roofied by Laura Geller’s henchman.

Lesson learned: Keep your head down and mouth shut when makeup shopping … and do your research in advance.

In other news … I think I got brainwashed by that Laura Geller rep … because I can’t stop saying her name. Laura Geller, she’s so hot right now … Laura Geller.