Shame Me: I Bought A Kylie Lip Kit

screen-shot-2016-10-21-at-12-14-30-pmI’m writing this post with my head down, covered in shame and disgust. I want ALL of you to know this. I hate myself just a little bit right now. 

:::sigh::: I purchased a Kylie Lip Kit :::shakes head::: Don’t look at me. 

Why? Well, I’ll be honest with you. I was drinking too much wine with my good friend, tried hers, and loved the color. I also tried to steal it (and failed). With all the hype, I couldn’t help but be curious. 

I was under the assumption these lip kits were so exclusive still. Like no one could get their paws on them, hence why I almost had a heart attack when I heard she had one (or maybe it was the alcohol… hmm). Like wasn’t her website crashing every other day due to demand a minute go? Or am I living in March of 2015? 

Turns out they aren’t exclusive anymore. Any slob can go onto her dumb website and buy any of the “normal” colors. If you want blue lips, though, you’re shit out of luck, ya freaks. 

So I pulled the trigger and got the KOKO K gloss. Sigh. I mean I can’t honestly deal with my life decisions. 

When it arrived at my house, my first reaction was, “what the fuck is this packaging?” It was a crappy, non-descript black box. No logo, no branding. I mean anything could have been in this damn box. WHAT’S IN THE BOX?! For $17 per gloss, perhaps you could swing for more jazzy packaging, Kyles. No?

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I opened the stupid box and was greeted with a large and in charge “KYLIE.” But I’ll give her this much, her branding is on point. So kodos to the rad designer who created her logo, because God knows it wasn’t Kylie Jenner. 

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Then I gracefully lifted up the styrofoam, unenthused, only to find a postcard of a Kylie Jenner mugshot? In a Louis Vuitton head wrap and taas out and about? And her seductively holding a name plate that said “KINGKYLIE”? Will someone PLEASE tell me what any of this has to do with lip gloss? Please. 

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I was so confused, and horrified, and couldn’t help but say to myself, “why in the blazing fuck did I waste over $20 on this dumb shit?” 

And then I turned the postcard over. There I found a note that looked like it was written by a child who was trying to work on her penmanship. Written, of course, by Ms. Kylie Jenner. I couldn’t help but wonder how many morons actually thought she had handwritten this note specially for them.

Also her punctuation on the note was 50 shades of fucked, so immediately I wanted to set fire to it. Kylie, you missed a period, dammit! “Let” should be initial CAP. AND there really isn’t a need for an ellipsis there. ARGH. Instead, I just threw it on the ground and kept going. I wanted my gloss, dammit. 

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When I got to the gloss, and applied it to my lips, it was the most anti-climactic moment of life. It was just lip gloss. That’s all it was. My mind wasn’t blown. It never dried like it claimed to (my lips looked all juicy … VOM). And it didn’t stay on extra long. The minute my lips touched my wine glass it was coming off. 

And, upon contrary belief, one application did not turn me into a Kardashian. Shucks.

Color-wise it was pretty and looked nice on me, that’s for sure. And I mean, it didn’t smell weird? I really don’t know what else to say about it. 

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All I know is I’m pretty sure you can find a better product, for a better price, and not pay over $8 in shipping. In fact I just got a great matte lip gloss from Ulta for $9. Check it. I even think they do a buy one, get one dealio. Aye, aye, aye, aye. 

The joke is on me, really. I just gave the Kardashian klan some of my hard-earned money, only to buy a lip gloss that I’m actually embarrassed to put on in public. Seriously. I mine as well be doing secret lines of coke on the train, but no, just applying my Kylie Lip Kit, don’t mind me! 

I can honestly say in this instance, curiosity DID almost kill the Kate. 

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How Much My Face Costs

Screen Shot 2015-09-10 at 2.25.19 PMI hate to admit this. In fact, I’m typing with one hand and covering my face in shame with the other. But I’m slightly mystified with the Kardashians. I’m not proud of it. But after a long day, it’s something I can turn my brain off and be entertained by, much like staring at something shiny, ya know?

Therefore when I see an article that says something like, oh I don’t know … “This is How Much Kylie Jenner Spends On Her Face,” I click on it. (Oh shut it, you probably did, too) 

I was expecting thousands and thousands of dollars would be spent, between the lip fillers and her star-studded cast of hair stylists and makeup artists. But the youngest of the Kardashian clan spends around a little over $3,000 for the whole sha-bang. While for me, that price is shocking and a bit appalling, for her it’s kind of like, “really? That’s all?” 

Which made me want to evaluate my own beauty regiment, because I don’t know about you, but I wake up looking like a gargoyle. So I need a LOT of help de-gargoyling myself before I can show my face in public without scaring small children. 

While I was a little nervous, yet 110% positive I wouldn’t come close to Kylie’s over $3,000 beauty budget, I decided to crunch the numbers and see how much I actually spend to fake dance around people and be all, “I WOKE UP LIKE DIS,” but in reality I woke up super early and applied X amount of dollars worth of shit to my body so I didn’t frighten you. 

So here it is … 

Face

Aveeno Positively Radiant Brightening Face Cleanser: $7.99

Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion: $11.99

Kiehls Facial Fuel Eye De-puffer: $20.00

Miss Spa Brightening Facial Sheet Mask: $3.99 (only once in a blue moon, though)

Rubbing Alcohol: $3.29 (this is my solution to all breakouts … it’s glorious)

Makeup

Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation: $36 (I still don’t know if this shit ACTUALLY does anything)

Benefit Erase Paste: $26 (the cream of the Gods)

Laura Mercier Foundation: $48

Mac Bronzing Power: $26

Benefit Sugarbomb Box O’ Powder: $28 (I randomly found this stuffed in the back of my makeup drawer, and now I’m obsessed)

Benefit They’re Real Mascara: $24

Sephora Collection Long-lasting 12-hour liquid eyewear: $12

Sephora Collection Retractable Eyebrow Pencil: $13

Rimmel Lasting Finish By Kate Moss Lipstick: $5.79 (my current lip jam)

Hair:

TRESeme Color Revitalize Protection Shampoo: $4.99

Conditioner from a hair dye box (depends): $6.99 (yes, I buy the box hair dye, and only use the conditioner because it rocks that hard)

Keratin shit from my salon: $20 (it has my salon’s logo on it, so I don’t know exactly where you could get it.  What up, Verde Salon)

Not Your Mother’s Clean Freak Dry Shampoo: $5.99 (only when I’m super lazy and don’t want to wash my hair, which is constantly)

Grand total to NOT look like a gargoyle: $304.02 

I mean it isn’t TERRIBLE, right? RIGHT?! GOOD GOD, TELL ME I DON’T HAVE ISSUES! Sigh. I blame Sephora. Damn you, Sephora and all of your shiny goodness, DAMN YOU! :::shakes fist::: (just kidding, love you, mean it)

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Makeup Is My Spirit Animal

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Photo credit: http://www.eonline.com/news/595518/jennifer-aniston-not-wearing-makeup-in-cake-was-so-dreamy-and-empowering-and-liberating

When I look at someone like Kim Kardashian, her look makes me want to take a nap. Not because it bores me or because I think it sucks, but simply because of how many man hours and people it must take to remain that perfectly flawless at all times. Jesus. Going to the gym, walking down the street, pumping her damn gas … the woman looks immaculate. Me? Well, chances are if you see me in a Wawa at any given time, I probably look like an untamed gargoyle with her hair in a bad bun (another thing I cannot do well).

I personally adore makeup. Going into Sephora is synonymous to Charlie entering that room where everything is eatable in Willy Wonka. The colors, the textures, the shiny things … it is all delicious to me. Can I apply it like a boss? Absolutely not. I have not the slightest idea of what to do with makeup, but God damn it I give it my best try every day.

Saturday Night Live

So when Jennifer Aniston comes out and makes a statement that, not wearing makeup in her new movie Cake was, “so fabulous, and so dreamy and empowering and liberating la-de-da,” I gotta say, HOGWASH, sir, HOGWASH!

Sure, not wearing makeup must be amazing for a person who has a team of people making sure your skin is as moisturized as possible and every pore is perfectly opened and cleansed. I’m sure getting facials once a week or so could make anyone not need or want to wear makeup.

For me, makeup empowers me. Of course there are days where I just throw on a foundation and Erase Paste from Benefit (literally never leave home without it, it is my makeup spirit animal) when I’m feeling lazy. But the days that I’m feeling down or not like myself, the right lipstick and the right black winged eye liner can do wonders for the soul. I’m telling you, and I know it is cliche to say, but the right dark red lip can take you from a timid mouse to a straight up street strutter.

I wouldn’t say I hide behind makeup, I would say I feel better and more confident with it on. When I wake up my face is a little too red in certain places, and I may or may not have some ridic dark circles under my eyes, and perhaps I have a drool stain traveling from the corner of my mouth all the way down to my neck (impressive right?). So yeah, jazzing myself up with a little makeup, not Kardashian-style airbrushed to perfection makeup, but a little bronzer here and a little blush there to make myself look less like the hard sleeper I am, then so be it.

So while I appreciate Jennifer Aniston trying to make it okay for women to go au natural, because it is important to love the true you, I kind of want to hear from someone who doesn’t have endless amounts of money and teams of people making sure your skin is as flawless as possible without a drop of makeup. Because even without makeup on (which, come on, bitch DEFINITELY has some primer on or something), she looks amazing. If I woke up looking like that, I would hands down let the public see my face sans makeup. But alas I do not have a team of skincare professionals watching every inch of my epidermis.

Makeup is there to accent the amazing features you already have, and personally I think it has the ability to help women find their inner warrior queen. I’m not saying you need to wear it every second of the day, a la Kim K. Because the minute I get home it is OFF. Again, running to Wawa equals me looking like a proud hot mess and I ALWAYS end up running into someone I know. “Oh hey … YOU! Yeah, I’m not feeling great, that’s why … I look … like this … and have 10 bags of Doritos in my hand. Gotta go BYE! :::runs away frantically:::”

Wear makeup to give yourself that extra pep in your step. And if you don’t know what that is, there are some talented folks that work at numerous makeup counters (I personally fancy the ones at Nordstrom the best … just a little tip from me to you), that can help.

Bo Without The Tox

mac-cremestick-liners-side-in-handWhen I think of lip liner, I think 1980s nightmares. I suppose it was because I used to watch shows from the 1980’s growing up, like Matlock, yes, Matlock, and all the women had on what seemed to be really heinous lip liner. So I would sneak into my moms room and try to recreate these ridiculous looks with that I thought was lip liner, but was really an eye brow pencil. Yeah … it was hot.

Lip liner has never been something I have used. When I learned how to apply makeup for the first time, never once did someone hand me a lip liner and tell me the benefits. Even to this day, I’ve gotten my makeup did a considerable amount of times and never once did a makeup artist take a lip liner to me. You can understand why I assumed it was a nightmare from the 80’s since no one seemed to be bringing it back … much like blue eye shadow.

Now, I’m very skeptical when I get my makeup done by anyone. Strictly for fear that they will make me look a hot mess. So this past weekend I was in a wedding and therefore, had to get my makeup did because doing my own makeup for special events makes me sweat profusely. I had seen her work on a few of the other bridesmaids and all of them looked lovely, so I took a deep breath and let her work her magic.

…Until she whipped a lip liner out. It went a little something like …

Me: What is that?
Makeup Artist: Lip liner.
Me: Umm …
Makeup Artist: :::starts applying:::
Me: I don’t really …
Makeup Artist: No talking.
Me: But my lips are soooo dry … uh okay this is happening.

And before you knew it, my lips were lined and shaded in … and then a thick layer of gloss was spread evenly on top (how gross does that sound … my God). I told this woman to make me look as flawless as Kim Kardashian (yes, I really did that. Shame me all you want, the woman has amazing makeup on at all times). I didn’t know that meant Kardashian sized-lips, too.

My lips are thin. Not like freakishly thin, but sometimes when I smile, my top lip goes away. And sometimes I get excited when my gums blend in to my top lip to make it look bigger in pictures. Yep. That happens … sometimes.

So when I looked in the mirror for the first time I was shocked, scared and waiting for my friends to exclaim, “what up Bozo, how’s clown school treating you?” But they didn’t … in fact they were raving about my makeup. When you normally don’t wear a ton of makeup and see yourself all “done up,” it’s a shock, BUT a good shock. Always remember that.

Back to my lips though … my GAWD, I had them! I couldn’t stop staring at them! Who needs a needle filled with Botox injected into your lips when there is this magical thing called lip liner that gives the illusion of a bigger lip. Ta-da! AND … my favorite part … it makes your lip color stay on longer … what?! I know, right?

Lip liner, seriously, where have you been all my life? I don’t normally do this, but I’ll show you the awful pic I took of myself the minute I saw the finished product, I believe the kids are calling this a “selfie” nowadays. I know right, don’t my lips look all Botox-ey?!

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Sigh … I’m A Makeup Snob.

Chanel-Makeup It’s true.

I was running late, per usual, rummaging through my makeup drawer, desperately looking for my MAC bronzer, about to throw a fit when I realized, holy hell, everything in my makeup drawer, besides one awful Revlon Very Red lipstick mistake, was all designer makeup. What had become of me?!

We may be living in a material world, but I am certainly NOT a material girl. I’m more of a whatever looks good and makes me feel good, kind of gal, no matter if it comes from Walmart of Barneys. I don’t discriminate. I was brought up to embrace and run wild with personal style and not bow down to all-mighty labels … even though you may find me drooling over them here and there. I get more excited over a good deal then exercising my credit card, but hey, that’s just me. Okay maybe I have a few designer pieces in my closet, but all of them I covet simply because I scored them for a ridiculous deal.

So realizing my makeup drawer was swimming in designer makeup was a bit unnerving to me. Like why? It was only :::mumbles::: year’s ago that I was a broke college student digging through the clearance makeup section at Target praying that I could find a decent foundation that, somewhat, matches my skin tone. And now I like ball out at Sephora.

Yes, I have a big girl job, and I have HAD a big girl job for :::mumbles::: years now, but I also have big girl bills. And clearly grown into big girl tastes for makeup. But my question is, why? I think it is because some glamazon who works behind a makeup counter knows the right tricks to make me look and feel fantastic. It puts me in a trance and then all of a sudden I’m out $100.

Sephora, Ulta, and department stores are the modern day woman’s candy store. The pops of branding, the colors, the deliciousness of the packaging. Just as I once ran to the candy store to lift my mood, I now wander through the aisles of Sephora until something shiny catches my eye. Do I need it? Absolutely not. But my bad mood CRAVES it.

“Generic” brands like Rimmel, Revlon and Covergirl spend MILLIONS getting these actresses to sponsor their makeup. But I always wonder, does Kate Moss REALLY get the London look. Is Katy Perry REALLY easy and breezy? My gut is telling me no because why would they buy makeup that is sometimes next to BenGay, Advil and Cheetos when you can frolic in the land of pure beauty with people who can put the right kinds of makeup on their skin so they can look their part. And let’s be honest, they can afford it.

The only time I buy makeup at the drug store is if I’m desperate, sick and indulging in impulse shopping as I wait for my prescription to be ready, or if I read online that something got an amazing review. But a part of me wonders if I’m just getting blinded by fancy names, beauteous colors and shiny packaging, when I could be saving some cash and getting the same bang for my buck at the drug store.

Ponder THAT, my friends … ponder THAT.

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Things I Don’t Have The Balls To Do

Screen shot 2013-01-10 at 10.09.32 PMIt has taken me a long time to turn into the person I am today. There was a time where I barely spoke, let alone have the nerve to write a blog post with the word “balls” in it (sorry family). I’m finally at the point in my life where I’m like kind of okay with pushing boundaries … kind of. But there is one thing I still just CANNOT do …

… and that is walk out of my house without a drop of makeup on. 

I know, I know … what the HELL is wrong with me, right? I thought, maybe I should go to a therapist, figure out what the core of this issue is. Perhaps I secretly hate myself? Maybe it stems from years of repressed teenage rage? Or is it that I’ve come to find makeup as the mask I use to hide behind society and all of its pure evils!

Nope … here is what’s up. A. I love makeup. I love the way it looks, feels, smells … I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT :::kicks legs up in the air::: And B. I look a hot mess without it. For serious. I’m not one of those girls that walks out of the shower all dewy (ps. I loathe that word, why did I just use it) and fresh, ready to take on the world. Oh hell no. Those Neutrogena commercials are bullshit. My skin, pre-airbrushed, ain’t perfect, to say the least. Blotchy spots, blemishes, and dry skin for days. Woof.

Yes, moisturizer is my bestie. But even if I lather on the cream, it still doesn’t make me instantaneously human being-friendly. My skin may be hydrated, but the blotchy, blemish bullshit is still very much present. Only now my skin looks super glossy … ick … sick, not sexy.

But there are a few instances where you will see me leave my house sans makeup:

1. If I’m Legit Sick (like I was this week): I could care less if my face makes you want to run in a cave and hide for the rest of your life. I honestly feel bad for my doctor and the people I come across in his office, because that man only sees me when I’m like a stage 5 hot mess. I’m like the Queen of all hot messes out there. But you know what, I could care less. When I’m that sick, a parade of ex-boyfriends could strut through his office and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I’m lucky if I’m not drooling on myself at that point.

2. If I’m Super Glow-Fab Tan: Perfectly sun-kissed skin doesn’t need makeup. Maybe a pop of mascara, but besides that … I’m going to rock out with the free bronzer, yo.

3. If There Is An Emergency: If someone is in the hospital, if someone needs my help, if on the face scale of pain you say you are at a 10 where the smiley face doesn’t even look like a smiley face anymore because it is wincing so badly … yes, I will drop everything, including my makeup bag, and run to you.

4. From The Shower To My Makeup Table: I’ll be makeup-free in that like five-minute window, so if you are that desperate to see me without … try to catch me then.

5. When I Sleep: I don’t sleep with makeup on … soberly. I believe it speeds up the aging process and I’m trying to look like I’m in my 20’s forevah-evah. So I am very diligent about removing it before bedtime and applying expensive anti-aging (it’s best to start now) … unless I’m drunk. You have a better chance of seeing me make out with Justin Timberlake than me actually taking off my makeup before bed whilst under the influence of vodka. Either way, I’m waking up looking a hot mess.

So there you have it. I am confident enough to admit that makeup for me is a comfort blanket of some sort. Without it I absolutely feel naked, and even worse, I have less swagger, if you will.

At the end of the day, we want to give into trends and all this ridiculously expensive beauty nonsense to make our swagger that much stronger. A good bag of makeup that makes your feel beautiful has the power to change your whole day. And a good day can change your whole world … trust me, that’s all it takes.

And I Just Wanted A New Bronzer …

After getting a good nights rest, for once … I threw on a pair of skinny jeans, my Rolling Stones T-shirt, threw my hair (which was overdue to be washed) in a messy bun, put on some oversized shades so I could hide from the world because I looked a hot mess and went out on my quest for the day: To invest in a new bronzer. Why not Sephora? Well … too many expensive temptations there. Ulta’s higher end makeup section is more refined. I don’t like asking for a bronzer recommendation and being offered YSL’s latest color palette, okay. Homegirl is on a budget. At Ulta you can either go to the land of Smashbox or Benefit, and if they aren’t doing it for me then I move over to the world of Revlon and Maybelline. Genius and affordable.

So I go in … minding my own business, investigating the mascara’s when this fantastic guy asked if I needed any help. Wasn’t wearing an Ulta shirt or name tag? Had better makeup on than any woman in the place? Hello makeup rep … how ya doing? Rule number 1: Only trust the makeup advice of actual makeup reps when wandering around these places lonesome. They know how to apply makeup and know the brands and how they function. So I politely said, “no thank you,” but then said to myself, honestly what would it hurt to get his opinion on what would look best on me. Remember … I judge a makeup artist by the makeup they wear … and he passed with flying colors.

So I walked over and retracted my statement about how I didn’t need help. He told me to sit down at his station and then flew away to get products … uh oh. I made it clear that all I wanted was a simple bronzer, yet he came over with all of this jazz. Primer, blush, foundation/blush, all these brushes … my God. Turns out he was a Laura Geller rep and all of this was Laura Geller makeup. I knew I looked heinous. My skin was all broken out, I was barely wearing any makeup … but Christ … did I need all of this?

After giving me my Ph.D. in Laura Geller makeup, he started with a face primer and explained every aspect of it … every. aspect. It was kinda fab … I’ll give him that much and yea … I did end up buying it. It is called Spackle Tinted Under Make-up Primer and feels like spa heaven when applied. But then it was like this foundation-ey looking stuff … then blush … then eye shadow … then the blush that turns into eye shadow. Applying all these different colors to different parts of my face. Sitting there trying to act interested but wondering how the hell I ended up sitting here acting interested in a makeup brand I have never even heard of. Typical me.

You know what the worst part was. Sitting there … mirrorless, listening to the whole spheal, getting done-up by a complete stranger who may or may not know what he/she is doing and wondering the whole time if you will look fab or a hot tranny mess. The makeup was weightless … which was a good sign, but I still had my doubts. There was too many different colors and brushes going every which way. He then allowed me to review his work and the minute the mirror hit my face I had to pull out my voice and enthusiasm I keep tucked away for during the holidays when I get horrendous gifts. It was a lot if look … I’ll leave it at that. My cheeks were a different color that my chin, my forehead was a different color than my nose … and my neck was still pale as shit. But oh no … he wasn’t done.

So then he starts on my eyes. Yes people, I have blue eyes. Correct. And yes, golds and browns make blue eyes pop. NOT ORANGE. For the love of Christ. NOT ORANGE. This is the SECOND makeup artist that has applied orange God damn eye shadow to my eyes. Seriously, why is there even an orange eye shadow. And not only that … but applying it up to my eyebrows and like all the way close to my temples? Like, what? Seriously, what? I looked like an ex-broadway actress who lives in an alleyway in NYC by a dumpster who only wears a mink coat, pearls, has lipstick on her teeth and lots and lots o’ cats.

I had come into Ulta just wanting a simple new bronzer, and all of a sudden I had spent 45 minutes in some makeup artists chair and turned into a done-up mess. Dirty hair thrown up in a hot mess bun, vintage Rolling Stones T-shirt and jeans … and I pretty much was ready for the prom, and not in a good way. He STILL wasn’t done though. THEN there was the lipstick. But oh no, this lipstick had vitamin E in it and didn’t even really feel like lipstick because who wears lipstick there days … yeah I get it … LET. ME. GO.

So I ended up settling with the tinted primer, which they ran of out. Christ. Then I felt bad because this dude had just spent 45 minutes selling me on the ways of Laura Geller and I ended up walking away with just Benefit mascara. Wait … didn’t I go there for bronzer? Yeah, that’s what I thought to. Instead I got roofied by Laura Geller’s henchman.

Lesson learned: Keep your head down and mouth shut when makeup shopping … and do your research in advance.

In other news … I think I got brainwashed by that Laura Geller rep … because I can’t stop saying her name. Laura Geller, she’s so hot right now … Laura Geller.