What A Gal Needs To Holiday Shop

mediateYou would think I would say a bottle of Jack and Kevlar … but you’re sorely mistaken, my friend.

I personally don’t believe in handwritten lists. I loathe them. I loathe them because I take precious time to write them and within seconds it is like they get sucked into a vortex never to be seen again … therefore I’m back to good ol’ square one. But going holiday shopping blind or with a mental list is just as bad. “Oooh there is the shirt my brother wants, but I need to get a shirt for my sister, too … EEEE something shiny! Squirrel.” Yeah … listless, that is what goes on in my head.

So if you are like me and hate writing lists, but don’t want to torture yourself by going out shopping blind, buying things on random ridiculous whims … there are certain things you can do to save your sanity. Organized shopping means quick shopping. It also means the less you have to interact with the insane holiday shoppers traditionally acting a fool.

You’re welcome, in advance.

Tweet-a-le-dee: If you don’t believe in Twitter, I can’t help you. But it is wise to get yourself a handle and start following your favorite stores/designers. They tend to post sales, special offers, hidden gems within the store. And yes, some may even respond to you if you have questions or concerns, or if you want to show them a little love and tell them how much they rock … or want to partake in a bitchfest about how much their customer service sucks. Ahhh sweet technology. What can’t you do?

Booze: I was just kidding about the lack of Jack above … CLEARLY. After shopping, cocktails are always a must. Or if you are really going into the shopping trenches, maybe pack a flask. Just sayin’ …

Today Will Be a GREAT Day!: If you are in the slightest bad mood, do us ALL a damn favor a stay home. No one wants you out. The deadline for holiday shopping, in my world, is Dec. 24 11:59 p.m. Trust me, if you aren’t thinking positively, you aren’t going to accomplish shit. Instead you are going to get frustrated, start honking your horn for no reason, and saying things under your breath like, “no … seriously, I’LL move out of the way … that’s right … your huge cart with ugly things definitely deserves to take up the entire aisle. My apologies. Let me just kill myself scooting around it so you can add more to your pile of crap properly … whore.” Seriously, bad mood equals staying at home and binging on a really great TV series … not interacting with sales associates and innocent shoppers trying to make Santa dreams come true.

New School Lists: If you absolutely can’t go listless, use the Notes function on your iPhone … or whatever notepad function other phones have (hi, iPhone snob here). I know it seems like common sense, but I would be useless without this. I have numerous pages of random nonsense written down, that probably doesn’t all need to be written down, but when I need it … it’s there. I literally have a list that is like blog inspiration, blog topics, buy shampoo, Comcast log in information, and cat bow tie. Not lying.

Map It Out, Yo: Plan your route. Think about the stores you need to go to, what order is the best to visit them, and exactly what you need and where in said store they are located. That way you are in and out in seconds. My only other piece of advice would be to not make eye contact with ANYONE … that way you are sure to avoid any obstacles. No. Eye. Contact. Ya heard?

Dress for Tropical Temps: Jesus. CHRIST. I was in American Apparel and I thought I was going to faint. Rainy and cold outside, equator inside. Not cool … and not a surprise why I have a sinus infection right now. Bastards. But I’ve come to realize that I would rather be freezing my face off walking around, then sweating inside a store when I’m trying to accomplish holiday shopping tasks. There is nothing worse than having your hands full, standing in line with a bunch of clowns, sweating to death, waiting as the woman checking out is contesting $2 on a damn pair of tights. All you want to do is hurt someone. Like badly. Wear a sun dress and shut up.

Hello, Interwebs, Is It Me You’re Looking For?: Listen, the more people shop online … the less insanity we will all have to deal with. Doesn’t the thought of being curled up on your couch in your Snuggie, with a warm cup of tea, Christmas music playing in the background … taking care of your holiday shopping with just a few clicks? No crazy bitches. No heatwaves. No non-enthused sales associates drooling. No people running you down in parking lots. Just Bing Crosby, your credit card, the Interwebs, and you. :::Sigh:::

Stickin’ It To Abercrombie.

CaptureWhen I was in high school, I wanted to be cool. Like really cool. Like Kelly Kapowski cool. And I thought the way to do that was through trendy clothing that all the cool kids were wearing. Juicy, Hard Tail, Mavi Jeans … and good ol’ Abercrombie & Fitch. Sigh.

So, of course, on my Christmas list to Santa, clothing from Abercrombie was on there. Flash forward to Christmas morning when I’m holding boxes from A&F grinning from ear-to-ear like an idiot and my mom staring at me, shaking her head in disbelief and annoyance.

She then enlightened me to her very first … and last … Abercrombie experience, which I will share with you now, from her perspective, told by me (from what I can recall).

The smell was overwhelming when I first walked in to the point where it was making me nauseous. I kept going though because “Santa” needed to finish her Christmas duties. But it wasn’t just that. It was the music. The awful, horrifyingly loud music. I couldn’t think!

And then I got greeted by some model-looking half wit who is a size negative zero strutting around in A&F. I smiled and started to look around by myself. The funny thing was, there was no light! Just these tiny tea lights around the clothing. Was I looking at a t-shirt or was it a dress, I didn’t have the slightest idea!

So I was forced to ask a sales associate for help. I told the girl that I was looking for an outfit for my daughter, who was tall and skinny with long legs. She said some things but I couldn’t hear her. Her: “What kind of ::muffled noise::: Me: WHAT?! Her: “Does your daughter li … :::muffled noise::: Me: WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU? I mean I was screaming at this poor girl to get my point across! Once I started reading her lips, we got on the same page.

So she brought me over to the jean skirts, the ones that all the girls wear, apparently. I lifted it up to one of the tea lights and realized this piece of jean they were calling a jean skirt that looked like someone took a lawn mower to it was over $100, and would not even cover her behind. We moved on to t-shirts. She isn’t a large … at all. But when I lifted the medium up, it didn’t even look like it would fit a toddler. Forgive her for having breasts. So I was forced to get a large, which I wasn’t even sure would fit her. Not to mention I couldn’t find a t-shirt that didn’t say ABERCROMBIE all over it to save my life. And because I needed to get the hell out of that store, I was forced to buy an overpriced t-shirt … and the run towards fresh air and silence.

True life: That large t-shirt … didn’t fit me. And you know what, I was 5’9 and in no way, shape or form overweight. But even in their overpriced jeans, I was like a size 15, when normally I was a size 6. Really?

Clothing is supposed to make you feel good, help you express who you truly are, no matter what size you happen to be. You say you hate “fat chicks”, Mike Jeffries? Well I hate discriminatory, macho, close-minded, assholes who make people feel bad about themselves.

So to my mother, I apologize for making you go through this hell when I was a teenager. To normal human beings out there … if a brand makes you feel bad about yourself when they really should be in the business of making everyone feel the best they canĀ  … know that no one has the right to do that … NO ONE. And Mike Jeffries, you make overpriced, unoriginal crap that pushes your brand name. That’s. About. It. Take a look in the mirror and try to find Jesus or something. Men who are CEO’s of a popular clothing company, who put limitations on what kind of human being can wear their brand based on superficial reasons, clearly have something deeper inside they need to work out.

So SUCK ON THAT …. aye aye aye aye aye aye!

AND ONE MORE THING: Just because you have a model stick figure standing to greet me at your store doesn’t make me want to slap “Abercrombie” across my ass. People buy clothing because it makes them feel good and fits well, not because some gorgeous model sold it to them. And if you only buy your clothes based on how the sales associates look … well, God speed in life.