Swoon: The Marc Jacobs Fall 2016 Ad Campaign

June 16, 2016.Reading time 4 minutes.

I’m not sure if I told any of you this before, but it is a secret dream of mine to one day star in a fashion ad, or an editorial photoshoot … either or.

I’m not a narcissist. I know I’m not even close to being a model. And my love affair with carbs and wine is far too decadent to ever quit. But that doesn’t stop me from sitting in my bath tub under the water, pretending I’m shooting for Vogue underneath a water fall. Whatevs. It happened once or twice. Shut up. DON’T LOOK AT ME!

But then I see a rare and elusive ad campaign like the one for Marc Jacobs fall 2016, featuring famous people who, like yours truly, don’t have the “traditional” credentials to be a model, and all of a sudden I saw a glimmer of hope.

I’ll be honest. I’m not the biggest fan of having movie stars and singers on the cover of Vogue and W Magazines. Simply because those magazines are sacred. They are the fashion holy books … and for some reason it makes me want to ritualistically set fire to them when I see Taylor Swift starring back at me all smug insisting she’s a “style icon.” No. Her stylists are. Not her. Try again, magazine cover. Where are the up-and-coming models that don’t have reality stars for family members?

But I love me a good fashion ad. Especially ones from Marc Jacobs, as they are always pleasantly out of the box. Like, for example, I about peed myself with joy when I saw Missy Elliott was the model in one of his fall 2016 ads.

Missy, who is a once overweight rapper, dripping in talent (you aren’t human if you don’t immediately feel the need to shake your ass when “Work It” comes on) known for her baggy clothes and tomboy-ish style, is now in the same space as Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss.

And Sissy freakin’ Spacek?! Stop it. She just has a creepy look to her, but in my opinion, that makes a fierce model. Give me an ad with an actress who portrayed a teen dripping in pigs blood who then murdered everyone at prom over Taylor Swift any day.

And Jarlos, the first gay couple to be signed to a model agency. To me their pictures are very reminiscent of something Robert Mapplethrope would have done, which is a beautiful nod to his creativity. And so important, especially because of what is happening in the world right now, to showcase men and women just feeling comfortable in their own skin.

Marc wrote on his Instagram that, “in a continuing series of portraits for our fall 2106 ad campaign, the individuals in these photographs represent a collective embodiment of love, honesty, integrity, courage, strength, curiosity, and inspiration. Together, as one story, this collection is a reminder to question and challenge normal and to continue exploring and pushing boundaries.”

It gave me chills when I read it.

Beauty is everywhere, and it isn’t just on the Instagram and SnapChat accounts of the Hadid and Kardashian/Jenner sisters, even though we are being fed the contrary. A 6 foot tall, size 0 model with perfect skin is no longer the norm, nor should it be. We should be embracing our flaws, not contouring them or “lip kitting” them.

I applaud Marc Jacobs for portraying these women/men in a high fashion ad space and glorifying them, flaws and all.

It gives me hope that one day my strange ass could one day grace a high fashion ad. Hey … a girl’s gotta dream.

Ready … Set … SELFIE!

April 9, 2014.Reading time 2 minutes.

So today is the LAST day to enter to become the new face of Marc Jacobs. I know, I know … I’m stressed about it, too. Psyche. As most of you know from my lack of selfies and photos of myself, I hate having my photograph taken. I think it’s genetic because my mother hates it, too. I get awkward, uncomfortable, I start to sweat, I don’t know what to do with my hands, I look like death most of the time … I mean … wait!

One of the reasons why I adore Marc Jacobs ads is because he highlights the best part of women … our fun/carefree side. We don’t always need to be jumping in mid-air perfectly wearing couture in ads (I mean who the hell can HONESTLY pull off jumping in mid-air looking all glam and shit, Vogue … huh?!)

So here’s why I think I would make an awesome candidate as the new face of Marc Jacobs … ahem:

1. I’m super awkward

2. I look really good stuffed in a shopping bag

3. I’m extraordinarily pale … like Casper mine as well be my bro from another ho

4. I’m tall (5’9 … what what)

5. I’ve mastered the “deer-in-headlights” look

6. My hair can easily become an afro with a little humidity and moisture

7. I can duckface with the best of um … (but I HATE it … don’t make me do it, promise?)

8. Stripes and/or polka dots are my fave

9. I believe the bigger the hat the better

10. And finally I have no problem being made up like a tranny hot mess

So there you have it. In my Marc Jacobs ad, you know, if I get chosen :::hair flip:::, I would have one of his fantastic handbags covering my face, with like some fierce, Lady Gaga-esque cat-style nails gripping the bag, sitting with my legs spread open (calm down) on a velvet couch, wearing an over-sized ridiculous skirt, fierce ass socks with heels, and a simple T that just says “MARC!”

Now … I will leave you with some of my favorite Marc ads … and maybe a pic of myself. AHH!

Me. #Awkward

A Plea to Pajamas

April 9, 2013.Reading time 3 minutes.

Dearest PJs,

What happened to our relationship? Did I keep you in my “comfy pant” drawer for too long? Was it that I spent too much time with my ratty, hole-ridden sweats? I know rebellion when I see it, and I’m on to you, my friend. Fed up with just being the “go-to-guy” for special occasions like Christmas morning, you busted out of the shadows and into the control of designers like Marc Jacobs.

Your silky touch used to soothe me whilst under the covers, and now you are too busy turning your nose up at us “normal folk” while strutting your stuff on some of the biggest Fashion Week runways. I realize I treated you badly. I realize I never made the effort to match your tops with your bottoms. I realize I may or may not have gotten bleach stains all over you. And oh those nights when we would fight … you would annoy me to the point where I found myself ripping you off and throwing you to the ground. :::sigh:::

But know that I adore you, my comforting friend, I just don’t want to wear you out on the town or to work. I don’t want to wear you with heels. I don’t want to have to put on red lipstick and style you senseless. It’s not you … it’s me. I want you curled up on my couch with me, snuggled under the covers and styled with a messy bun sans makeup with a glass of wine in my hand. But alas … you are too busy throwing away what we had to rub shoulders with glamorous models and actresses on the red carpet.

I realize if Marc Jacobs told me to jump … I would be more than tempted to say how high, but try and be you. For I cringe every time I see a group of normal women in a store, women who don’t have or can’t afford a stylist, surrounding themselves around you exclaiming things like, “what the HELL am I supposed to do with these?!”

You’re about to put lots of fantastic women on the Worst Dressed List. In fact, Joan Rivers is licking her lips in anticipation to have her way with you. Stop being silly … and come back to where you belong.

The “Comfy Pant” Drawer Ain’t The Same Without You,

Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra

I Would Sell My Mother For Marc Jacobs

September 10, 2012.Reading time 3 minutes.

Okay … some of you probably GASPED when you read my headline, but let me explain. My mother and I have a joint obsession for Marc Jacobs. And since his Spring 2013 runway show was this evening, I told her I would kindly sell her on the black market to be able to see it live … and she kindly told me she would sell me on the black market for a pair of pilgrim shoes from his fall 2012 line. So there. I’m not THAT much of a heinous daughter.

So I realize I haven’t said much about spring 2013 fashion week … until now. Sigh … I just watched the Marc Jacobs show on my computer like a complete nerd. My cat was on my bed purring, I was in sweats and a hoodie … with my hood up appropriately sipping Emergen-C and pretending it was a martini because I feel like shit. I mean, doesn’t EVERYONE watch fashion shows like this!?

But my GOD. Marc. Jacobs. If anyone knows me at all or even a little, or actually if you’ve seen me from a far a couple of times … you can tell I’m obsessed with black and white. My closet is 85% black and white, everything decor-wise is black and white … I live in a black and white world and I likes it. And Marc birthed black and white for spring 2013 and I am just beside myself. The whole thing was like 1960’s mod beach meets Manhattan.

Exposed hip bones, tall girls wearing flats and flats ONLY, flouncey skirts, black and white striped, well … everything, dress/shirts that barely covered the model’s asses, exaggerated collars and bare mid-drifts (and did I catch a vintage Micky Mouse sweater?) … pure excellence. For me it isn’t just about the clothes when watching a show … it is the music, the lighting, the models. And these girls were super awkward and creepy, the music was mod-trancey by The Fall and … wow yeah … I’m in heaven. Literally my heat has an irregular beat right now.

Ps. I always wonder if these models, as they are strutting down the Marc Jacobs catwalk, who probably just got to spend the past couple of hours watching him and his minions run around backstage, think to themselves, “holy shit … I’m walking in a Marc Jacobs fashion show right now. Literally. This is happening. Act natural.” Yeah … if that were me I would be screaming at the top of my lungs in my head, “OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG.” But I’m also a fashion nerd so … yeah. Back to sipping my Emergen-C martini. Hood up.

Now behold … some of my mother-selling-worthy looks:

Update: Literally as I speak my mother is cutting her hair like one of the Marc models. #Obsessed

Swooning Over Louis

July 12, 2012.Reading time 5 minutes.

When art and fashion combine, my mind explodes … in a good way of course. But no for real, when crazytown abstract artists pair with iconic and amazing fashion houses my mind explodes in the most FANTASTIC way possible. And that is what happened when I learned a little about Ms. Yayoi Kusama. I was an art history minor in college and fell in love with modern, contemporary and abstract art. My eyes would light up when we would learn about crazytown nonsense like the piece called “Piss Christ” (yeah … never heard of it? Look it up). Not because I would actually buy a piece like this but because I found the artist and the story behind the piece absolutely fascinating.

Yayoi Kusama, the latest designer to turn Louis Vuitton into an even more fantastic spectacle than it already is, if that is even possible, gained fame simply by running around New York City in the 60’s painting polka dots on naked bodies. Really? Like why the hell couldn’t that have been me? Or maybe it was in a past-life, I mean who the hell knows. The polka dot is so damn iconic. You could have a polka dot dress and literally wear it and style it differently throughout any trend wave. But painting polka dots comes with a price as she found herself going broke and decided to go back home to Tokyo and check herself into a mental institution. Like, what? Really? All the woman wanted was fame, and when she left the art scene in New York City, her name faded almost as fast as her polka dot-inspired art.

And now … years later, I mean this woman is in a wheel chair for christ sake, she has every large and in charge person in fashion bowing at her feet. Not only that, but also has all art world eyes on her as she has an exhibit at the Whitney Museum in Brooklyn. Art can be so depressing. There are slash were so many talented people out there with such great visions … even if they happened to be crazytown, and had to go through life poor, tortured, and broken just to survive to make said art. And only until they are 100 years old, or dead, or incapacitated is when some big shot in the art or fashion world takes an interest in them and they blow the hell up.

I digress though. This collection for Louis Vuitton makes me drool in a truly embarrassing fashion. Sure, some pieces have a Kate Spade feel to them with the polka dots and okay maybe, just maybe, polka dots aren’t really “Louis Vuitton,” … yet are SO Marc Jacobs, but who the hell cares, polka dots are so me and I’m so Marc Jacobs, and then the world makes sense again :::sigh:::. Seriously, and I know this sounds awful, I may or may not sell a family member just to get one of these bags … specifically the black and white polka-dotted bag. Okay, okay … I totally wouldn’t sell a family member, calm down … I’m not that shallow … but maybe a pet. Just maybe. If I couldn’t have the bag then I’ll settle for a pair of those fly sunglasses. I definitely wouldn’t sell a pet for the sunglasses … but maybe my soul. Just maybe.

It’s one thing to be bombarded by collection after collection during fashion week, but when you get a treat like this, a beautiful and iconic collection with an artist behind it who has a rich and interesting story, well … this is what fashion is all about. I mean you go, Yayoi, flaming pink wig, polka-dotted moo moo and mismatching socks and all. I’ve always said fashion and art go hand-in-hand, hence why I minored in it in college since St. Joes didn’t have “I wanna write for the fashion industry 101.”

I love when fashion makes my head explode. Thanks, Marc Jacobs for being awesome per usual.

Mmmm Fall …

August 3, 2011.Reading time 4 minutes.

We are in the fiery pits of summer hell right now people. I mean yay, summer, carefree, vacations … woo … but for real, having to function in over 90 degree heat everyday while trying to maintain a professional and chic look for work … I’m just over it. And as I got out of my car late the other night, I noticed a familiar breeze in the air with a twinge of a chill. Heaven can you hear me?

And with fall comes so many fabulous things to look forward to! Leaves changing, new fall wardrobes, the September issue of Vogue … NEW YORK CITY FASHION WEEK! And literally I am one of those freaks that considers the September issue of most magazines, W, Bazaar and Vogue mostly, as bibles. So when NYMag.com was awesome enough to give us a little sneak preview of the fabulous fall fashion ads from all the greatest designers, and after I stopped drooling all over my Macbook, I had to share with you the things that are making me survive these too hot to function summer days.

So behold the ads so far that I fancy the most and find fabulously bazaar featuring some of my most favorite designers and all the clothing I can’t really even afford to look at.

First of all it is Marc Jacobs. Second of all he is FINALLY making polka dots happen in such a major way. Who cares if a cracked out Helena Bonham Carter is his muse? Give me those gloves and that hat IMMEDIATELY.

Lagerfeld, Lagerfeld, Lagerfeld. This ad says nothing about the clothing, nothing about Chanel … in fact it kind of makes you want to go “what the eff,” but it is art and you have to bow down to it. Yes Lagerfeld, whatever you say master, I will dress like a mouse and hang outside of a photo booth as long as it is made by Chanel. What? You want to draw nonsensical words all over my face? Yes, master.

Alexander McQueen, God rest his soul and God bless Sarah Burton for kicking ass and taking names. These ads are so beyond powerful and disturbing. Due to the extreme success of the MoMA exhibit, I think we have to view the McQueen brand as art in fashion form. I could literally stare at these ads for days.

Tom Ford, this make up is tranny fierce, and I’m not even going to apologize for it. I was just thinking today about how I desperately need a striking, fire engine, come to bed red lip stick in my life. I’m also quite excited for all of these solid popping colors for the fall. Perhaps this is the fall where I don’t just wear minimalistic colors? I mean seriously, nothing is worse than people thinking they need to match the foliage outside … ick. Nope, just kidding, fall themed sweaters and turtlenecks … THAT would be the worst thing one could think of.

Holy lord, sign me up immediately for wearing proper hats in the fall. The idea makes my toes tingle, seriously. So Sportmax, I will literally take a piece of everything in this ad. But ladies, honestly, let’s make this hat trend happen. Come on, we made graphic tees, skinny jeans, neon sunglasses happen … we absolutely have the power to take it back to the 1920’s when women wore gloves, dresses, hats, and pants were a thing of shame. Men swooned and we looked damn hot. Ahh, the good ol’ days. Damn you Millennium.