Men And Their Heinous Summer Style

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photo credit: http://noisey.vice.com/en_ca/blog/what-your-terrible-taste-in-music-says-about-you

While dudes countdown the minutes until the weather peaks above 60 degrees for ladies to start stripping off their Northface parkas and start indulging in tighter, shorter, more skin-exposed garments … us ladies, well, don’t have it so great in the warmer months.

While yes, nothing is more satisfying then the ease of a summer outfit … there is a downside. And no, it is not idiots on the street cat calling us because all of a sudden, holy shit, women have curves! Sigh … it is having to look at men’s summer style.

I was inspired this morning whilst reading a post written by one of my favorite radio personalities on Elvis Duran and the Morning, Carla Marie, who was outlining how heinous cargo shorts are and why men shouldn’t wear them.

Because I realize only two dudes read this blog and are probably drooling on themselves while they do so, I’ll speak to your girlfriends when I say, what in holy hell is up with men’s summer fashion? It’s like every dude on the street looks like they are headed to go drop some “Molly” at a techno festival. It truly makes me want to do a slow jump, fist flying in midair that I’m single this summer.

After witnessing a man on the train on the way home the other day dressed in a proper seersucker suit and straw hat, dressed to the nines … I felt it was my civil service to list out what men should avoid wearing this summer. You’re welcome men … and ladies that have to co-exist with them.

1. Neon: Literally stop it with the loud shirts and hats. It’s not 1995 or 85, for that matter. And no, you aren’t the Fresh Price of Belair, no matter how ironic you think it is. I don’t care if it is your “work out gear.” It’s tacky and I hate you. (If you know where that quote came from I adore you)

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2. Colorful/White Rimmed Sunglasses: Sigh … whenever I see a dude in white sunglasses or colorful rimmed sunglasses, I desperately want to take them off his face and smash them. While that may seem a little dramatic … and mean (I would never ACTUALLY do it … unless I knew you, of course) they are just that heinous. To make it easier for you to understand, if I saw Justin Timberlake wearing white/colorful rimmed sunglasses on the street … this would be my face:

aunt-linda3. Tank Tops: We get it, you have muscles … and a cool tribal tattoo on your bicep and you want the entire world to see. Seriously. I got the memo … I saved it for later, and I’ll think of it fondly. Really. I will. Now put on a proper shirt … for the love of Jesus.

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4. Graphic T-shirts: Thanks, Urban Outfitters, for allowing this shit to still stay relevant with dudes. Apparently it is 2003 if you have a penis. If you think wearing a shirt that has a picture of a greasy hamburger with “Health Nut” across it brings all the ladies to the yard, you are sorely mistaken. Get a guard dog to get those ladies out of your yard IMMEDIATELY because ain’t nothing good can come from that.

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5. Flip Flops: I know, I know, you’re all, “this bitch just crossed the line.” But so many dudes don’t believe in getting pedicures because they think it sucks out their “manliness.” I’m not asking you to get OPI’s Red Hot in Rio painted on with a sassy little palm tree on your big toe. I’m asking you to have someone shave off your dead skin, clip your nails properly, and give your feet some much needed TLC (sorry, writing all of that out just made me gag). I hate feet. They are DIS-GUSTING. So proper care and maintenance is key. If you think pedicures are “girly” and make you less of a man, than I don’t want to see any sort of flip flop on your foot … fool. Go to a salon, freak. IDIOT! (Sorry I’ll stop … gross feet in Rainbow flip flops make me irate)

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:::Takes a bow::: you’re welcome, ladies with idiot boyfriends who can’t dress themselves, you’re welcome.

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Beard Baubles – Nope, Not A Joke

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Photo credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2868265/Forget-Christmas-tree-BEARD-baubles-new-hipster-accessory-December-selling-out.html

Today, I’m going to go somewhere I’ve never gone before on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra. I know … I know … brace yourselves, people. Because for once, we are going to be talking about dudes and their style. What?! I know, right?

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know shit about mens fashion, mostly because it bores me to death. Plaid button downs and belts … riveting. But what I want to discuss is probably the most manly accessory of them all, also known as the beard. Yep. A beard.

Recently it is like men just discovered the beard. Wait wait, I’ll rephrase that … HIPSTER men just discovered the beard. It is like THE thing to have. I personally don’t get it. Beards, yes, do look rather dapper on some gents. SOME. Others should just stop trying to be overly ironic and sit this one out.

But having just a beard is no longer acceptable. Nope. How boring, right? Now there are things called “beard baubles.” I thought it was a joke at first, but oh no, people are actually buying decorations to hang on their beards for some extra yuletide flair. I suppose the ironic ugly holiday sweaters just weren’t getting it done for people. Sigh.

I’m not sure if these dudes feel left out because they don’t have as many accessory options as us ladies, so they feel the need to decorate their beards to compensate, I really have no clue. Or perhaps they think it will bring all the ladies to the yard by making them giggle over their ridiculously ironic beard bling, which in turn will make them drop their panties. But listen closely gents … some women … SOME … find beards intimidating. They cause rashes on our sensitive skin, and quite frankly we don’t know what you have hidden in that thing. So to add ANOTHER layer of weirdness is just ruining your chances at getting any action underneath the mistletoe. If anything, you will be that guy people want to Instagram pics of. That’s. About. It.

Listen, beards have been around since the beginning of time, because I don’t believe the cave men had a Mach 5 razor. So just leave them be. If you really feel a void in your accessories, buy yourself a watch or something. I don’t know. You are disgracing the good men who paved the bearded way for you by dangling some weird shit off your facial hair.

Now let’s check out these dudes who know what’s up when it comes to beards, shall we?

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