Do You Know What Avant Garde Means?

iewpflsdMerriam Websters dictionary defines “avant garde” as: a group of people who develop new and often very surprising ideas in art, literature, etc. A la Rei Kawakubo of Commes des Garcon. 

Now after that definition, think of the Met Gala red carpet last night. Yeah. Shiny, backless dresses don’t constitute as avant garde, people, but nice try. Nor does having your bits and pieces out for everyone to see, Kendall Jenner… yeah… I’m looking at you. 

The Met Gala is my “big game” of the season. I live for it. But unfortunately this year fell flat. Until Rhianna showed up and picked up the pieces of my broken heart by defining and schooling people in avant garde. Thank Jesus. 

What I wouldn’t give to be invited to an avant garde event. You can really go balls to the wall with your outfit without a care in the world. Hell, I was half tempted to rock a bird cage on my head to work today just to make a statement about how boring the fashion was at the Met Gala … but alas, my bird cage was too heavy. 

So when you are presented with an invitation honoring a tastemaker in the avant garde world, why the fuck would you show up in a curve hugging, boring, ball gown? Do tell, stylists… I’ll wait. 

Ahh well. What can you do. Although it made it crazy easy to pick out my winners for best dressed. Because obviously everyone in Philly is waiting patiently for my picks (am I right)

Well here it is, my avant garde winners of the night. AKA people who didn’t bore me to death and took a fucking risk. Enjoy. 

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AND THE QUEEN…

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Are Fast Fashion Gowns The New Big Game Ad?

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Photo credit: https://www.popsugar.com/fashion/Ciara-Dress-Met-Gala-2016-41160079#photo-41160079

When I saw someone post on Twitter that the gorgeous dress Ciara rocked to the Met Gala was made by H&M, my first thought was, “that’s a stupid typo. Man, they must feel like an idiot.” 

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some H&M. I still get a kick out of people complimenting me on my statement necklaces and then rocking their world by telling them it was from H&M and only cost $30. Yeah. $30. 

But when I think of H&M, I think Cochella, acid washed short shorts, basics in every shape and form, Micky Mouse crop tops, and where fringe goes to die. Not Met Gala glam. Not even close. I don’t even think I could find a dress to wear to a wedding that wouldn’t expose all of my jiggly bits there, to be quite honest. 

H&M ended up outfitting Ciara, Hailee Steinfeld (she’s a person, right?), Jennifer Hudson, and others for the Met Gala, AND styled SJP last year! I mean where have I been?! 

It makes you wonder why a super star with endless amounts of connections and resources would choose to wear H&M to the Met Gala, especially when they most likely have Gucci, Chanel, Zac Posen, and every other haute couture designer at their fingertips. Why rock a brand that styles every average shmoo with stylish looks for under $50?

The Met Gala is known as the “Super Bowl of fashion.” So why don’t more “fast fashion” retailers style celebs? It’s a walking advertisement. It’s that million dollar 30 second ad during the Super Bowl (I feel like I can’t say Super Bowl, but I’m doing it. Super Bowl, Super Bowl, Super Bowl), except walking down a red carpet for much less money, and even more exposure. Kind of genius, when you think about it. 

Annoying As Balls E! News reporter: Kate! Kate! Who are you wearing?!?!

Me: Well, I’m wearing Zara for Zara off Zara tonight :::flips hair … falls flat on face walking up the stairs mid-hair flip:::

And also, umm H&M, I want that dress. I want all of those dresses. I get it, I doubt the dress is being made the same way the Micky Mouse crop top is, but that doesn’t deter me from wanting it. Ciara’s dress made me literally drool. It’s gorgeous. GIMME!

Unfortunately black tie, or bridesmaids dresses, or even wedding gowns has this stigma of only being purchased in stuffy bridal boutiques, or expensive department stores. But to have the luxury of looking as put together and chic as Ciara did in H&M for a quarter of the price? Umm … sign me the fuck up. “Oh shit, I just randomly got invited to this Black Tie event, what do I do?! Ahhh life!” You could just bop on over to H&M and call it a day. 

Look we women want ease and we want to look fantastic doing it. We want to look like we spent 8 hours getting ready for an event but in reality barely spent an hour because God dammit we only have a fucking hour. So if fast fashion retailers want to start making Met Gala-level gowns, I wouldn’t turn my nose up to shit like that. Nor should you.

Best Dressed At The Met Gala: Not Balmain’s Army

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Photo credit: http://www.archetypes.com/article/the-2016-met-gala-theme-is-manus-x-machina-fashion-in-an-age-of-technology/

So the Met Gala was last night. It’s one of my favorite nights of the year. I order a plethora of Chinese food, whip off my bra, throw my hair in a messy bun, get cozy on the couch in my PJs, and tweet my face off over the fashion. 

This year’s theme was Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology. I was looking forward to dresses that were powered by solar energy, or an iPhone-inspired gown. But no. Just a lot of metallics and sequins. Because, you know, that says “tech.” Sigh. 

And Jesus Christ, what is up with Balmain? Everyone was wearing Balmain. Riveting. Yes, Olivier Rousteing has a beautiful point of view, and has definitely changed the direction of fashion. But every time you see someone wearing one of his gowns, you KNOW it’s Balmain, and you KNOW one of the Kardashians has already worn it in a different color. Which becomes monotonous and boring after a while. Not impressed.

But a few folks managed to look fantastic AND be on point with the theme. And if you were an Olsen twin, you didn’t give a flying fuck about the theme and managed to kill it. So there’s that.

Spoiler alert … it wasn’t any of the Kardashians or anyone who rocked Balmain (in fact, I do hope Anna Wintour verbally shamed Kanye West for wearing jeans to the Met Gala). 

So here is what you have been waiting for all year … my “best dressed list” from the Met Gala. TA DA. 

Poppy Delevingne KILLED IT. Favorite look of the night, by far.

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Photo credit: Just Jared

I hate Disney shit, but Zac Posen made Cinderella’s dress come to life in the most bad ass way possible. Swoon. 

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Fame Monster is BACK, baby, and it gives me glorious glorious chills. Claws up, Monsters. 

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Sister of the year goes to Solange Knowles in this gorgeous “lemonade-inspired” gown.

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Dude … H&M made this dress. H&M! I dream of a day when I walk into the store and next to the ball hugging skinnies and bedazzled blazers, this will be hanging for me to purchase and own.

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I know, I’m in shock, too, but Nicole Kidman in that McQueen cape rocked my world.

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Credit: Just Jared

And Beyonce … because I feel like if I didn’t include her my blog would burst into flames. And that dress. Sweet mother.

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Met Gala Life Goals

sjp1cntThe day of the Met Gala, I felt a little bit like Cinderella … except I was sitting on a SEPTA train with freaks instead of in my attic with birds and mice, and instead of a fairy God Mother coming down and hooking me up with a hot dress and a prince and shit, I spent the evening of the Met Gala on my couch with my cat, popcorn and miniature Snickers stalking the Internet for the latest pics.

While I fear I will never be important enough to attend the Met Gala and rub shoulders with Beyonce and Anna Wintour … it does give me some ideas concerning goals inspired by the Met Gala that I can incorporate into my every day life. 

You gotta aim big in this life … or go home … or eat popcorn and miniature Snickers on your couch. Either or. So behold, some of my new life goals based on this week’s Met Gala. 

1. Have a dude carry my train around behind me slash make sure I will never EVER have a wardrobe malfunction, a la Beyonce (side bar: actually, let’s make this have a dude just walk behind me and carry EVERYTHING for me … have fun with my purse, bro)

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2. Wear something that will become a meme … in a good way, a la Rihanna 

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3. Look like an Oscar award had sex with Obi Wan Kenobi, a la Anne Hathaway

4. Be ballsy enough to basically walk out of my house with my giggly bits covered in diamonds, a la Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, J. Lo (but let’s be real B. Spears did this first at the 2000 VMAs)

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5. The next time I’m eating popcorn and Snickers on my couch with my cat, pair that with a head dress that resembles flames for funsies, a la SJP

6. Walk around, hand-in-hand with the designer I’m wearing 

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7. Rock a gown inspired by Cher … hello, Kim Kardashian, another check in the “I guess I do like you” column

8. Arrive somewhere over an hour late and not have people bitch at me and instead just start taking my picture, applaud me, and oogle over my outfit … a la Beyonce … again

9. Skin Cher and wear her in that swoon-worthy Marc Jacobs dress (or just have the ability to morph into Cher and be her in that dress next to Marc Jacobs … a little less morbid, don’t you agree?)

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10. Figure out how to tape my taas into a plunging neckline, without having an epically monstrously wardrobe malfunction (oh hell, nip), a la Lady Gaga 

I Can Like … Spell Punk … Can I Go To The Met Gala?

:::Sigh:::

I’m not sure who thought it would be a good idea to let Hollywood experiment with punk fashion … but umm … yeah.

I desperately wanted Debbie Harry and Patti Smith to show up and like break shit and give everyone the finger and scream a lot and then leave … but alas it didn’t happen. Instead we had to watch starlets awkwardly play around with punk .. which, quite frankly, was painful.

I’m in no way, shape or form “punk” … and I think it is an incredibly hard style to pull off … because punk wasn’t about the style. It just happened … the music made it all come to life. It wasn’t because a stylist said … “ooh studs! SOOOOO punk.” It was because they literally didn’t give a shit. These people … live to give a shit. They get PAID to give a shit. Hence why it doesn’t work. And yes, the Met Gala is about experimenting with fashion, paying homage to it and living out a real life costume ball … but perhaps let’s pick a theme more obtainable.

For the following things do NOT count as paying homage to punk.

1. An overly dramatic smoky eye … yawn.

2. Baroque print dresses … wrong movement there, lady

3. Feathered ball gowns … unless you murdered the bird before the Gala and stuck its feathers to your dress, then that counts.

4. Platinum blonde hair … perfectly styled … just for funsies … tee hee I like, always wanted to do it

5. Faux hawks … amateur

6. Dramatic trains … unless an actual psycho path ripped up the material in the back … doesn’t count

7. Sheer black ball gowns … nice try, slackers

8. Floral print … … … I will have nightmares about Kimye’s look though

9. High slits … not the Grammy’s … go home

10. Cut out dresses … too trendy, holmes

So I will leave you with this thought: Why wasn’t there more Alexander McQueen where there wasn’t Alexander McQueen. That guy is probably in the after life kicking and screaming like, “WHY AREN’T MY DRESSES REPRESENTED!!!!! PUNK! HELLO?!”

And now …

Punk

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Not punk.

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Punk.

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Not punk.

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Punk.

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