Nail Polish Scandal Uncovered

OPI_Ladies_and_Magenta-MenOPI … Essie … Revlon, etc. … I’m on to your asses.

Quite frankly I’m kind of shocked that  60 Minutes and/or Dateline hasn’t covered this hot story. But what … is up … with the fact that you can NEVER finish a bottle of nail polish?!

I’m obsessed with the color fire engine, 1950’s red. It isn’t a real color name, but that is what I call electric red (OPI I am available for nail polish naming if you so desire my services). I’m not a nail polish snob, I will use anything from N.Y.C. all the way to OPI and Essie. But 9 times out of 10 … my nails are fire engine red. Therefore when I buy a bottle of red nail polish, I will most likely finish it … or so I like to think.

For example, the bottle above I purchased a couple of months ago. I lerve it, clearly, so much that there is barely anything left in the bottle. Right … well, the funny thing is … the brush doesn’t really reach that far down. I know right … I’m appalled too! So the color that is left … I can’t get to unless I tip the bottle over causing a huge disaster, explaining why half my furniture/bed linens have red nail polish stains on them. Hmm … odd isn’t it, nail polish companies?

I get it, you want me to say … “oh fiddlesticks and a half … empty bottle … time to go to the store and buy another $9-$12 one. OR … “I’m so over this color … I’m going to move on to the next trend.” HOGWASH! I’m using this thing until it is bone dry … got me? And honestly who has that kind of cash flow to drop on bottles and bottles of nail polish?! But what I really want to know is why the brush isn’t long enough? Hmm? Because to me it looks like a blatant attempt at screwing over the American public … and I just won’t stand for it.

I get it … women like options. One season blue is in vogue and the next it is pink. But we should have the option to finish a bottle without having to tip it over and/or add nail polish remover in order to finish up the rest of the color. It is wasteful, and you know what, for how expensive nail polish is, a travesty.

So for shame, nail polish companies. I demand an answer as to why some big shot at the brush company got together with some big shot at the bottle company, and decided to screw over the American public (Father of the Bride … what, what). You don’t think most women will get to the point where a nail polish bottle will be empty … but I’m not most women. Boom.

Power to the people and their rights for longer nail polish brushes!

 

G-G-G-Gelin’ Like A F-F-F-Fellin’

 

Okay, so I’m notoriously cheap … with some things. Getting my nails did … gives me heartburn. Why? Because that is shit I could do myself … why pay and have to tip someone for something I could easily take care of fo’ free. All it takes it a little patience.

So this past weekend I had a little day date with my mother that consisted of us going to get our nails did because the woman loves it. She also had just gotten her first gel nail polish manicure the week before and wouldn’t stop pitching how fabulous it was to me and how it wouldn’t chip for 10 days. 10 DAYS!

Now I love me some OPI Big Apple Red nails. If I don’t have shockingly red nail polish on, check my pulse. But the issue with it is even with base coat, two coats, top coat and beyond … it always chips. And I’m not the most graceful person … so by the end of the week my nails look a hot tranny, cracked out mess. Like seriously, a person shouldn’t walk around with chipped to shit red nails … yet I do. For shame.

So finally I decided to treat myself to this mystical gel nail polish manicure because for once I wanted to walk around for 10 days straight with shockingly red nails without the crack whore effect. I mean what a production. You get the normal manicure jazz, the filing, the cutting, the cuticle pushing … and then the polish storms in. A clear coat goes on, then you put your hands in these UV Ray-filled boxes that I felt were either giving my hands a tan or cancer. Then you put the color on … then your hands go back in the hand tanning bed, then you get another coat, and back in the box they go. Then before you know it, you take your hands out, the lady sprays them with something, which is and feels as weird as it sounds … and you’re done. Your nails are shiny, dry, perfect and fab.

So today is day three in gel manicure land and I’m kind of obsessed. My nails are not the slightest bit chipped, still disco ball shiny and the anti-crack whore. The extra time and money to get this manicure is so worth it to not have to deal with looking shabby, unprofessional or like a hot mess throughout the week. And I’m not dainty at all, ladies. I rip things open with my hands, use my nails instead of scissors, wash dishes, get messy … punch people … you know the deal. I am woman … hear me roar shit.

But for the busy gal on the go … do it. Don’t think … go gel. The only thing that disturbs me is I saw my mom get her gel manicure touched up and they literally dip your nails in like acid or something, wrap them in tin foil … TIN FOIL … and that is how you take said gel off your nails. Eek. But I could definitely imagine myself having some fun with my nails decked out in tin foil though … just sayin’ …

 

Confession Of A Girl In A Rush

Okay, so in the morning, we all do a lot of crazed things for the sake of getting from A to B on time and in one piece. For example, I set my alarm for 6:40, but snooze and do not get out of bed sometimes until 7:30 … I know, crazytown. I consider that half hour and some change my chance to wake up.

But those extra snoozes lead me to rush and become frazzled and forgetful, making me do crazed thinks like put deodorant in the car while I’m driving, take my allergy medicine while I’m driving, answer emails and texts … NOT … while I’m driving … for any police authorities that may be reading. You know what, just steer clear of me driving in the morning, but that is neither here nor that.

But regardless, today I woke up, reviewed the weather and realized that it was going to be 70 degrees and sunny. Mortified at how pale my legs were, I still decided to expose them to natural sunlight and wear a dress to work. I don’t know about you but the first time I wear a dress to work sans stockings I feel a little, you know, slutty? It fades within hours, but every year, I’m always paranoid about the skank factor. But again, neither here nor there.

So I dusted off my most tasteful midseason dress and realized I could wear my open toed booties with it, which made me ecstatic because I covet them. So I got dressed, put them on and realized my toes were not painted, cue fail horn from the Price is Right. First thing is first. I hate feet. I hate what shoes and stilettos do to our feet, I just loathe them. But I do love getting massaged, so I treat myself to pedicures every so often. But again, just like how I get the skank factor when I don’t wear stockings for the first time, the first time I rock sandals or open toed shoes is just as weird. D0n’t ask me why, it just is.

So my toes were not pained, they were kept but not painted, the thought of not wearing nail polish on my toes bothered me, but I could not pass up this opportunity to rock my fav pair of booties. So what did I do? I literally was at the point in my morning where I knew if I didn’t get my ass in my car in the next 5 minutes, I was going to be obnoxiously late to work. So, and as embarrassing as this is, I kept my booties on and only painted the first 3 toes that were exposed. I did a lovely job too, for what it is worth.

All the way to work I kept thinking about what a freaking hill billy I was for doing that, but also how it is kind of genius. I mean no one would EVER know, unless you have a really super annoying co-worker that tracks and observes your every God damn move, but if they notice something like this you MAY want to consider a restraining order or a little chat with HR, just saying.

But if you are in a rush, need to rock a certain pair of shoes, don’t have the time to give yourself a proper pedicure, what is wrong with slapping on a quick coat of cute color? Even saying that statement I again thought about what a hill billy I sound like, but honestly, girls do dire things in a time crunch, especially when you don’t want to give up hope on busting out your favorite spring shoes. And this was probably the most hysterical one I’ve done to date. I mean I’ve applied blush and makeup in the car and had people next to me look like I was freaking insane, I’ve plucked my eye brows minutes before walking out the door … you name it and in a time crunch I’ve done it.

So if you’ve ever considered doing this but thought to yourself, “dear God, how white trash of me,” and just worn another pair of shoes, never fear, I broke that mold, so go for it girls. Hill Billy is the new black, you heard it here first.

 

 

Refusing To Get My Nails Did.

Okay, at first I thought this whole crazed nail polish trend was innovative and cute … you know just another way to self express. Studded nails, color blocked nails, two nails painted a different color. It was all subtle but really cool. But literally everyday it keeps getting more and more cray. And today I had it, I just had it. I saw a new nail design and literally said to myself at my desk, “for the love of God, what kind of crack are we on ladies that we would subject our nails to this.”

What threw me over the edge you ask? It was kind of a two part downward spiral. It started with the Golden Globes. I’ll give it to the ladies this year, some really fantastic fashion all around … minus Meryl Streep. The woman can act her ass off, but ask her to throw on a black tie gown well … yikes. Anyways, Zooey Deschanel was there … and quite frankly I absolutely was not a fan of her look, well … and I’m not really a fan of her, but that is a WHOLE different story, we are talking nails here. The bright green and black dress really threw me for a loop … and so did the tux nails. What? Seriously, black tie affair … THE GOLDEN GLOBES and you have tuxedos on your nails? Who are you? Sure, its cute. But I don’t think the Golden Globes are a place for “cute.” Fierce? Yes. Bad ass? Yes. But cutesy … NOPE. Tuxedos belong on men … and sometimes ladies, not nails, kay?

And then today was the end all be all that officially took this trend and set fire to it. Two words: Lisa Frank. Okay, to most girls it is a fabulous flashback of their childhood filled with fantastic Lisa Frank school supplies. Yes, I had a Lisa Frank trapper keeper, but basically it reminds me of those moments in summer when “Back To School” advertising started and ruined all of my freedom, which would send me into a frenzy of anxiety. Oh yeah, it also reminds me of ugliness. But apparently, THIS is a new nail trend. Remember those multicolored rainbow neon Dalmatians, unicorns, cheetah print, kittens and rainbows? Oh yeah, they expect me to put that shit on my nails? Really?

So this is where I say enough, ladies. Maybe it is because I’m getting older, but in no way, shape or form do I think it is chic or stylish or even hipster-chic to paint your nails in all of these crazy patterns and styles … especially Lisa Frank … for the love of God. Have you ever tried to produce any of these styles, by the way? Okay, I’ll admit it, I wanted my nails navy with a black stripe going down the middle. So I got the skinny brush for the stripe and it turned into a big fat, frustrating disaster area with a lot of cursing and nail polish remover spills. Not as easy as these trend setters claim to be, even with step by step tutorials.

I personally enjoy the good ol’ fashion solid colors, maybe even doing two nails a different color … but that is as cray cray as I will take it. This look is, you know … classy, sophisticated, chic. I would rather not look down at my nails and have flashbacks of back to school hell and bad decisions made with school supplies and have to wonder … hmmm am I 5 years old or 25?

If you are between the ages of 5-18, go for the gold with these outlandish nail trends. The rest of us ol’ bags … let’s keep it simple.

*FYI I’m marking this as the most conservative post I will EVER write. I even scared myself a bit. In fact to shake off my conservative thoughts, I have to admit that I once coveted Gaga’s nails when she had a ring pierced through one of them. There, now I feel better.

On The Next Episode of Hoarders … Girl With Nail Polish Obsession

So yes, I went to the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale … which I don’t know if this happens to anyone else … but the minute I cross over into Nordstromland I get this insane urge to impulse buy. Like I felt the need to buy a pair of heels, because why the hell not. I was a ravenous beast wandering around looking for the one thing to catch my eye so I can hunt and attack. It was quite overwhelming … I may have even blacked out for a while.

And then somehow I found myself in the nail polish section of cosmetics, feigning over Butter nail polishes. I wish they had a four step program or something for when you are picking out these colors, because I was like an addict looking for my next hit, I couldn’t stop. I am obsessed with these polishes for the following reasons: A. They believe in color, not carcinogens … it says so on their website, so no funny toxins with names you can hardly pronounce. B. The names of their colors give OPI a run for their money because on their website they come with cute little descriptors, which makes the color even more desirable and personal. C. The quality. I mean for $14 effing dollars a bottle it better look like ACTUAL buttah on my finger … wait … that is such a foul picture I just drew for you all, scratch that, delete. (Ps. I did not pay $14 a bottle, I’m not THAT crazytown).

So … long story short I bought six of them. Eek … I mean judgement free zone people, I already admitted I had a problem for crying out loud. And now as I sit here writing, I’m itching to paint my nails millions of different colors like a crazy person. So here are the six little gems I made mine, which I HIGHLY recommend.

La Moss: For days I am feeling a little vamp-tastic. The color of a dark, deep red wine … almost black.

Royal Navy: For my punk rock, edgy days. Nothing is more fantastic than navy nail polish when you are in the mood to stick it to the man.

Chancer: If Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer were gay, I’m sure his nose would look like this: A red, glittery disco ball.

Union Black Jack: I’m not afraid to rock a pitch black nail polish. It doesn’t mean I worship Satan and label myself as “goth,” it just means I don’t give a shit.

Fash Back: Sometimes less is more, and this nude-ish shade is minimalism at its finest.

Come To Bed Red: My absolute favorite nail color to wear is poppy, fire engine red … and this is everything I love in life and then some.

I can see it now … my closest friends and family being interviewed for Hoarders. “I don’t know what happened. I walked into her room one day and she was living in a fort she made out of nail polish bottles and even designed a crown out of nail polish bottles and painted the words NAIL POLISH QUEEN on the crown.”

Big is the new small and Butter is the new OPI. Now enough talk, off to paint my feelings!