Things That Make Me Want To Vom During The Holidays

I don’t know if you are aware … but it’s Christmas time. In fact, it has been Christmas time since like mid-October. They started off slowly in stores like pumpkins, pumpkins, pumpkin candy, Christmas tree, ghost, goblin, Santa … but now since we are like a solid week away from when it is ACTUALLY Christmas time, stores have said “screw it” let’s start this shit early.

In other news, I happen to love Christmas time. The lights, decorations, music … ahh it doesn’t get any better than that. But some people (not naming names … but you know who are you are) take it upon themselves to turn Christmas time into the cheesiest cheesefest of the year … making me want to said … vom. So besides Nat King Cole, Michael Jackson at a young age, the isle of misfit toys and caramel Santas … here are the things that make me want to vom during Christmas time … ahem.

Jeweler Commercials: My God. Mom trimming the tree as Dad swoops in holding a Kay Jewelers box with a Jane Seymour exclusive open heart necklace inside. Umm yeah … here’s what’s up. I don’t want a fake diamond necklace designed by Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman … okay? If every kiss begins with Kay then I’m going to become celibate. Clueless men out there… from me to you … think outside the Kay Jewelers box.

Lexus Commercials: I love it. A woman wakes up Christmas morning and her perfect golden retriever runs over to her wearing a red bow with a key at the end of the ribbon. She looks at it puzzled as her hubby motions to the window where she looks out and exclaims … “OH MY GOD … YOU GOT ME A LEXUS?!” Really? Who buys anyone a Lexus for anything let alone as a Christmas present. No one. I get Forever 21 PJ bottoms and I’m like to the moon happy. And how do you hide a Lexus from someone? What … did he like creep out of bed at 5 a.m., walk to where the car was, drive it in the garage and just pull a ridiculously large bow out of his ass? Huh? Honestly, seems like a lot of work. Pssst … advertisers for Lexus, this isn’t real life.

Couples Who Take Pictures in Front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree: Okay so New York is kind of amazing all the time … but during the holidays it is just straight up magical. But there is nothing that makes me want to unfriend you more than if you post a picture of you and your significant other, your bestie, or whomever else in front of that tree during Christmas. It’s just … unoriginal … corny even? So note to self, you post a picture of this and you are straight up getting unfriended … you’ve been warned. Take a picture in front of the holiday Barneys window … then we’ll talk.

People Who Use Santacon As An Excuse To Dress Slutty: Like it wasn’t bad enough that Halloween has turned into an excuse for females to buy out Victoria’s Secret, pop on a pair of ears and call themselves “a mouse … duh,” but now Christmas?! Come on. Take your American Apparel red tights, you hooker boots, and your furry coats someplace else. Same goes for Rudolph and the elves. Santa has a beard, he’s fat as all hell, he gets down with milk and cookies whenever he can, and he’s a gentle old man. How is this sexy?! For shame …

The Neiman Marcus Holiday Catalog: For the sheer fact I can’t even fathom affording ANYTHING in this book … it makes me weep. It is beautiful, over the top fantastic … yet :::sigh::: out of my reach. One day Neiman … but for now … you make me want to vom out of sheer sadness. Sorry I can’t buy my significant other a jet this year … shucks. Oh well … I suppose a cheese sandwich and a yo-yo will have to do.

People Who Wear Ugly Christmas Sweaters To Be Ironic: I blame Urban Outfitters and hipsters for this one. Ugly Christmas sweater parties took off when I was in college … and sure it’s funny to watch your friends strutting around drunk in a snowman embroidered turtleneck. But honestly … it’s over. Some granny’s still enjoy a good snowman sweater! What about them! Huh?! It isn’t cool, it isn’t cute, it isn’t creative (anymore) and it is the gateway fashion statement to dressing like a slut. You host an ugly Christmas sweater party and just expect someone to dress like a whore reindeer … just sayin’. You did this to yourself.

Malls/People Who Shop at Malls: Ew. I swear, malls turn into the center of hell once Black Friday hits. You’ve got the crazies, the temperature becomes equivalent to the equator, babies are ALWAYS crying at octaves only dogs can hear, sales associates want to hang themselves which therefore create a hostile shopping environment (trust me, I’ve been that sales associate before), and people turn into lunatics that will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get that “great deal,” including: Cursing, causing a scene, telling off innocent sales associates because they can, throwing shit, getting in legit fist fights (I’ve seen in), participating in a tug of war over a piece of clothing, creating a stampede, etc., etc., etc. Woof … I’ll hide behind my laptop and online shop in my bed as I eat bon bons, kay thanks. See ya never, crazies.

If You Exclaim on Facebook “Aren’t I the Luckiest Girl in the World”: Some guys hit it out of the park when it comes to Christmas gifts. The will pull something out of left field and give you the gift of all gifts. Fantastic. But no need to take a picture of it, post … “OH EM GEEEEEEEE … aren’t I the LUCKIEST girl in the world!? ;)” Fine … you’re excited and want the entire world to know how fab your significant other is … but just so we’re clear AGAIN … I’m going to unfriend you. Instead of posting on Facebook, perhaps go run into the street and scream what you would make your status and see how idiotic you sound. “OH EM GEE, Bobby just got me the new black suede clutch from COACH, AREN’T I THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WOR …” and before you even get the words out, I guarantee someone will tell you to shut the hell up. Point proven.

Ahhhh and there you have it. Harsh? Absolutely … but I speaks the truth. No I am not a man hater, nor do I hate “love,” but I do want you to remember that Christmas is more than what is under your tree. Boom.

In other news … I can’t wait to play N’Sync Christmas! Right?! Who is with me!

Target and Neiman Marcus? Send Up A Piece of Flair …

If there is a designer collection being showcased at Target … I say no thank you. Why? Because people who don’t like fashion or people who just crave designer labels for a ridiculously cheap price, even if it has a small “for Target” sign underneath it … ruin it for us all by hoarding it and or selling it on eBay to make a buck or two. It honestly disgusts me. I miss the days of walking into Target and being surprised by a fantastic Rodarte dress just hanging on the racks since no one knew who Rodarte was back in the day. Now it is like a God damn frenzy to get these collections and I, quite frankly, want nothing to do it with it.

I’m already preparing myself for the extreme relentless disappointment, but Target is partnering with Neiman Marcus in December to feature a collection 24 of my FAV designers. Marc Jacobs, DVF, Jason Wu, Proenza Schouler (the one I’m most excited for), Marchesa, and so many other jump up in mid-air because I’m excited-worthy designers … ahh. But again, if this collaboration had a theme song, it would probably be the fail horn from the Price is Right … already.

I’m not being a Debbie Downer about it … because if I could get my hands on some of these things, like oh I don’t know … a DVF wrap dress or a Judith Leiber clutch, I might be considered one of the happiest chicks on the planet. But having to deal with people scooping up as much Proenza Schouler as they can  just because they know it’s a designer label they could sell for triple the price makes me want to vom. I’m not saying that in a pretentious way but in a way that makes me sad for people who truly do have a respect for the designer.

And would I ever slap a bitch to get the garment I wanted? Hell no. Okay maybe over actual designer clothes that happen to be marked down quite a bit … and only at Barneys. Honestly, the thought of getting into a fist fight and or verbal argument and or sleeping outside of a Target to be the first one to run at high speeds into the store when it opens makes me squirm a bit. Hello, white trash … what up. If it is meant to be yours, it will be yours … no need to pull hair, call names, and have a tug of war with the dress … for crying out loud.

My next question is … what the hell are you thinking, Neiman Marcus, partnering with Target? Neiman is high-end and endless class. Seriously their “sale” prices are things I still would have to save up for months and months to buy. And I get it, you want to make the Neiman Marcus brand obtainable to everyone in America … but the fun about Neiman is … it ISN’T obtainable. That’s the store you walk into drooling over a pair of $3,000 boots and say to yourself, “one day … I’m going to walk in here and buy these for myself … because I will be able to without living in a van down by the river after.” It’s a store for fashion dreamers … well the ones that aren’t loaded at least.

All I’m saying is … if I want Neiman Marcus and Neiman Marcus brands … I really would rather not bop down to my local Target, pick up a Marc Jacobs dress and then get some Tide because I ran out, maybe a new air freshener for my car, and oh yeah … maybe buy my cat some cat treats … and perhaps a Lean Cuisine because I’m starved. Christ. Love me some Target, don’t get me wrong, but Neiman Marcus and Target really don’t need to be in the same sentence or collaboration … ever.

And just a suggestion … since all the designers that will be shown in this collection are CFDA members, maybe … just maybe … they can do something about the eBay hoarders. Not sure what that is … but that would be awesome if they could put a stop to it. Maybe then I wouldn’t be such a negative Nancy about this whole ordeal. Am I seeing a future trendy ad campaign happening here or what?!