What A Gal Needs To Holiday Shop

mediateYou would think I would say a bottle of Jack and Kevlar … but you’re sorely mistaken, my friend.

I personally don’t believe in handwritten lists. I loathe them. I loathe them because I take precious time to write them and within seconds it is like they get sucked into a vortex never to be seen again … therefore I’m back to good ol’ square one. But going holiday shopping blind or with a mental list is just as bad. “Oooh there is the shirt my brother wants, but I need to get a shirt for my sister, too … EEEE something shiny! Squirrel.” Yeah … listless, that is what goes on in my head.

So if you are like me and hate writing lists, but don’t want to torture yourself by going out shopping blind, buying things on random ridiculous whims … there are certain things you can do to save your sanity. Organized shopping means quick shopping. It also means the less you have to interact with the insane holiday shoppers traditionally acting a fool.

You’re welcome, in advance.

Tweet-a-le-dee: If you don’t believe in Twitter, I can’t help you. But it is wise to get yourself a handle and start following your favorite stores/designers. They tend to post sales, special offers, hidden gems within the store. And yes, some may even respond to you if you have questions or concerns, or if you want to show them a little love and tell them how much they rock … or want to partake in a bitchfest about how much their customer service sucks. Ahhh sweet technology. What can’t you do?

Booze: I was just kidding about the lack of Jack above … CLEARLY. After shopping, cocktails are always a must. Or if you are really going into the shopping trenches, maybe pack a flask. Just sayin’ …

Today Will Be a GREAT Day!: If you are in the slightest bad mood, do us ALL a damn favor a stay home. No one wants you out. The deadline for holiday shopping, in my world, is Dec. 24 11:59 p.m. Trust me, if you aren’t thinking positively, you aren’t going to accomplish shit. Instead you are going to get frustrated, start honking your horn for no reason, and saying things under your breath like, “no … seriously, I’LL move out of the way … that’s right … your huge cart with ugly things definitely deserves to take up the entire aisle. My apologies. Let me just kill myself scooting around it so you can add more to your pile of crap properly … whore.” Seriously, bad mood equals staying at home and binging on a really great TV series … not interacting with sales associates and innocent shoppers trying to make Santa dreams come true.

New School Lists: If you absolutely can’t go listless, use the Notes function on your iPhone … or whatever notepad function other phones have (hi, iPhone snob here). I know it seems like common sense, but I would be useless without this. I have numerous pages of random nonsense written down, that probably doesn’t all need to be written down, but when I need it … it’s there. I literally have a list that is like blog inspiration, blog topics, buy shampoo, Comcast log in information, and cat bow tie. Not lying.

Map It Out, Yo: Plan your route. Think about the stores you need to go to, what order is the best to visit them, and exactly what you need and where in said store they are located. That way you are in and out in seconds. My only other piece of advice would be to not make eye contact with ANYONE … that way you are sure to avoid any obstacles. No. Eye. Contact. Ya heard?

Dress for Tropical Temps: Jesus. CHRIST. I was in American Apparel and I thought I was going to faint. Rainy and cold outside, equator inside. Not cool … and not a surprise why I have a sinus infection right now. Bastards. But I’ve come to realize that I would rather be freezing my face off walking around, then sweating inside a store when I’m trying to accomplish holiday shopping tasks. There is nothing worse than having your hands full, standing in line with a bunch of clowns, sweating to death, waiting as the woman checking out is contesting $2 on a damn pair of tights. All you want to do is hurt someone. Like badly. Wear a sun dress and shut up.

Hello, Interwebs, Is It Me You’re Looking For?: Listen, the more people shop online … the less insanity we will all have to deal with. Doesn’t the thought of being curled up on your couch in your Snuggie, with a warm cup of tea, Christmas music playing in the background … taking care of your holiday shopping with just a few clicks? No crazy bitches. No heatwaves. No non-enthused sales associates drooling. No people running you down in parking lots. Just Bing Crosby, your credit card, the Interwebs, and you. :::Sigh:::

Teach Me How To Online Shop

Okay, so some people want to learn how to “Dougie.” Me … well … I want to learn how to successfully shop online.

I come across like a girl who can online shop her ass off, I know I do. But I’m afraid, friends that it is all a sick allusion. What I lack in online shopping skills, I more than make up for in actual in-store shopping, so at least I have that going for me.

With one click of a browser button, we literally have the world’s largest mall at our finger tips. Anything you could ever fathom or want is right there, it is just a matter of finding it. I remember when I was little I would think of these crazy outfits in my head and would get so frustrated because I couldn’t find them anywhere. And hell, let’s be honest, I still think of these grandiose, perfect outfits that don’t exist. But online shopping makes them a reality … a reality that for some reason I cannot pull the trigger on.

So I was looking for a specific dress. I designed it in my head and decided to take the time and scour the Internet looking for it. It was cotton, quarter length sleeves, either v-neck or boat neck, just not turtle neck or scoop neck, color was flexible, length was to my knee and it couldn’t be too tight. You know, not specific or anything at all. But fantastic websites like Shopstyle.com and ASOS.com make dresses like the one I dreamed up very easy to find. You can specify price, color, size, make … I mean the options are endless. And even though I was specially looking for something, I wanted to keep an open mind. If I was going to successfully online shop, I was going to give it my a-game.

ASOS.com, for example, had pages and pages AND PAGES of dresses. Any kind of style, shape, color, size, if you were pregnant, curvy, petite, there was something for you. They even had a video of a model walking the runway wearing the dress so you could see how it moved. I spent what felt like hours on here, throwing stuff in my cart, some for realsies, some for funsies. And then, after I decided I wasted  enough of my life on this site, I checked out my cart.

I don’t know what it was, perhaps that I was dealing with a fake cart with pictures of potential items I had never touched within it, but it was ridiculously easy for me to be like, “eh, I don’t need it.” “Who do I think I am trying to rock this.” “Honestly, that color would never work.” But here is the thing. When I shop at Forever 21, probably 63% (I know that is a random number, but it is 95.6% accurate) of the stuff I try on is for “funsies” and I usually end up liking a lot of it. Or I’ll have too much in the “yes” pile and find myself constructing crazy reasons for me to buy all of it … which usually works. “This makes me look super skinny, SOLD.” “I can totally wear this leather skirt to work, with a tasteful cardigan of course.” But here I am, all of this stuff in my fake online cart, and I toss EVERYTHING. After all of that time shopping online, I walked away empty-handed. Awful. Who gets shoppers remorse whilst online shopping? This guy.

My issue is that I see more cons than pros with this form of shopping. Yes, I have a sea of options in my size and everything, but it is almost overwhelming. So when it comes down to it, here is why I can’t online shop.

1. I have Varuka Sault disease … meaning I want it NOW DADDY! Uh huh … I don’t want to wait 5 business days to get my goods. And quite frankly I’m too cheap to pay for express shipping. If I’m shelling out dollah dollah bills, I want the product in front of me instantaneously. Hey Bill Gates, why don’t you make a computer that can print out Forever 21 clothes … hmmm new invention much?  You’re welcome.

2. I hate not knowing what I’m getting. Sure, I can look at their measurement chart and figure out the right size, but the fabric could be shit, the cut could be all wrong, the color, which looked like a normal blue, could, in reality, look like an electric, neon, cracked out blue. Honestly, after waiting for something, getting it and then realizing it is insanely ugly is a big risk for me, for anyone. What a let down. I’m in advertising, okay … I know the sneaky tricks of making something heinous looking look like it was birthed from Lagerfeld himself. You aren’t fooling me, no sir.

3. Like I said, because it isn’t in front of me, I become seduced by shoppers remorse. All of a sudden I don’t need those 15 shirts because staring at a picture of some hot model rocking it isn’t stopping me  front thinking, “hmm … I could just wait a day and go to the mall and find exactly what I’m looking for.” CLICK, CLICK … DELETED.

So at the end of the day, the only time I successfully online shop is when I find something in the store that I love so much I would sell myself on the black market to own and it isn’t in my size. Then I run to my computer and purchase. Or during Christmas time, because bitches be crazy in the mall during this time and I want NOTHING to do with that section of existence.

True, having clothes or accessories come in the mail is a really fun treat to have to look forward to. But in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I can’t online shop, shopping is my cardio.” Word, Bradshaw, word.