The Mani Cam’s Death Rattle

CaptureRecently, I’ve expressed my disdain for E! News covering red carpets. Seriously, if I were a movie star, I would politely try and not make eye contact with Guiliana Rancic or Ryan Seacrest whilst making my way into the theater. “Oh hey, E! News … oh sugar, I have to take this phone call, BRB :::violently runs away:::”

So you can understand why I want to kiss Jennifer Aniston’s Aveeno-smooth skin for refusing to participate in dancing her two fingers down the “mani cam red carpet.” Seriously bitch, slow clap for you. I don’t know what it is about her lately, but she added some Tabasco sauce to that vanilla exterior of hers.

The mani cam is pointless. And tacky. And I hate it (bonus points if you recognize that quote). First of all, they should call it the “bling cam,” (ps. E! News, if you steal this idea you will feel my wrath), because all they EVER comment on is the jewels the celebs are rocking on their fingers and wrists. “So tell us who made that FANTASTIC ring!” and “Oh look! Your nails look like little tuxedos! How adorbs! EEEEEEE! :::ass kissing, ass kissing, and more, ass kissing:::” are the only comments you will hear.

Never once will a celeb be like, “yeah I’m wearing OPI Lincoln Park After dark in gel, with a matching OPI top coat.” Isn’t the red carpet for advertising? Don’t designers throw gorgeous dresses at celebs so they can be like, “Hi, stupid entertainment news person interviewing me, I’m wearing Zak Posen.” And that is when millions of viewers fall in love with Zak Posen and start selling their souls and putting themselves in massive debt to buy his shit in order to look like their favorite movie star. Yep. That is how it works, people.

So tell me, if this mani cam exists, why don’t any celebs talk about the nail color they are wearing or who did their nails, or what salon they went to, or what style their nails are. Round, square, cat-like? Are they fake? Yeah. Think about it. As a nail artist, hell yes I would want a celeb to drop my name to Seacrest. And as an awesome nail polish company that I happen to be obsessed with, OPI (hey boo, call me), I would ABSOLUTELY want a celeb to wear my latest line of color and name drop that shit on the red carpet. But alas, it doesn’t happen. Because turns out entertainment reporters and myself have something in common. We both get VERY distracted by shiny things.

So good for celebs, like Jennifer Aniston, for finally putting their stiletto down and politely declining to “DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE” like E! News so desperately wants them to. No one cares that you decided to get a french manicure to match your dress. Yawn. Seriously. Yawn.

Someone over at E! News, kindly take a hammer to that thing and put it out of its misery, and go back to the drawing board. Maybe let’s focus on why the actors are there … you know … that film they starred in and are nominated for that costs a hell of a lot money to make?

And if no one has the balls to take a hammer said mani cam, I will be more than obliged to fly to L.A. and do it myself. Just call a sister up.


Nail Polish Scandal Uncovered

OPI_Ladies_and_Magenta-MenOPI … Essie … Revlon, etc. … I’m on to your asses.

Quite frankly I’m kind of shocked that  60 Minutes and/or Dateline hasn’t covered this hot story. But what … is up … with the fact that you can NEVER finish a bottle of nail polish?!

I’m obsessed with the color fire engine, 1950’s red. It isn’t a real color name, but that is what I call electric red (OPI I am available for nail polish naming if you so desire my services). I’m not a nail polish snob, I will use anything from N.Y.C. all the way to OPI and Essie. But 9 times out of 10 … my nails are fire engine red. Therefore when I buy a bottle of red nail polish, I will most likely finish it … or so I like to think.

For example, the bottle above I purchased a couple of months ago. I lerve it, clearly, so much that there is barely anything left in the bottle. Right … well, the funny thing is … the brush doesn’t really reach that far down. I know right … I’m appalled too! So the color that is left … I can’t get to unless I tip the bottle over causing a huge disaster, explaining why half my furniture/bed linens have red nail polish stains on them. Hmm … odd isn’t it, nail polish companies?

I get it, you want me to say … “oh fiddlesticks and a half … empty bottle … time to go to the store and buy another $9-$12 one. OR … “I’m so over this color … I’m going to move on to the next trend.” HOGWASH! I’m using this thing until it is bone dry … got me? And honestly who has that kind of cash flow to drop on bottles and bottles of nail polish?! But what I really want to know is why the brush isn’t long enough? Hmm? Because to me it looks like a blatant attempt at screwing over the American public … and I just won’t stand for it.

I get it … women like options. One season blue is in vogue and the next it is pink. But we should have the option to finish a bottle without having to tip it over and/or add nail polish remover in order to finish up the rest of the color. It is wasteful, and you know what, for how expensive nail polish is, a travesty.

So for shame, nail polish companies. I demand an answer as to why some big shot at the brush company got together with some big shot at the bottle company, and decided to screw over the American public (Father of the Bride … what, what). You don’t think most women will get to the point where a nail polish bottle will be empty … but I’m not most women. Boom.

Power to the people and their rights for longer nail polish brushes!


On The Next Episode of Hoarders … Girl With Nail Polish Obsession

So yes, I went to the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale … which I don’t know if this happens to anyone else … but the minute I cross over into Nordstromland I get this insane urge to impulse buy. Like I felt the need to buy a pair of heels, because why the hell not. I was a ravenous beast wandering around looking for the one thing to catch my eye so I can hunt and attack. It was quite overwhelming … I may have even blacked out for a while.

And then somehow I found myself in the nail polish section of cosmetics, feigning over Butter nail polishes. I wish they had a four step program or something for when you are picking out these colors, because I was like an addict looking for my next hit, I couldn’t stop. I am obsessed with these polishes for the following reasons: A. They believe in color, not carcinogens … it says so on their website, so no funny toxins with names you can hardly pronounce. B. The names of their colors give OPI a run for their money because on their website they come with cute little descriptors, which makes the color even more desirable and personal. C. The quality. I mean for $14 effing dollars a bottle it better look like ACTUAL buttah on my finger … wait … that is such a foul picture I just drew for you all, scratch that, delete. (Ps. I did not pay $14 a bottle, I’m not THAT crazytown).

So … long story short I bought six of them. Eek … I mean judgement free zone people, I already admitted I had a problem for crying out loud. And now as I sit here writing, I’m itching to paint my nails millions of different colors like a crazy person. So here are the six little gems I made mine, which I HIGHLY recommend.

La Moss: For days I am feeling a little vamp-tastic. The color of a dark, deep red wine … almost black.

Royal Navy: For my punk rock, edgy days. Nothing is more fantastic than navy nail polish when you are in the mood to stick it to the man.

Chancer: If Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer were gay, I’m sure his nose would look like this: A red, glittery disco ball.

Union Black Jack: I’m not afraid to rock a pitch black nail polish. It doesn’t mean I worship Satan and label myself as “goth,” it just means I don’t give a shit.

Fash Back: Sometimes less is more, and this nude-ish shade is minimalism at its finest.

Come To Bed Red: My absolute favorite nail color to wear is poppy, fire engine red … and this is everything I love in life and then some.

I can see it now … my closest friends and family being interviewed for Hoarders. “I don’t know what happened. I walked into her room one day and she was living in a fort she made out of nail polish bottles and even designed a crown out of nail polish bottles and painted the words NAIL POLISH QUEEN on the crown.”

Big is the new small and Butter is the new OPI. Now enough talk, off to paint my feelings!

1970’s Nails … Are Back

Since the first time a file hit my nails decades ago, there was no other thought but to square them off. Rounded tip nails immediately make me think of Palmolive commercials from the 1990’s and bad actresses from the 1980’s that got their “big break” on shows like Matlock.

In typical Gaga style, the Born This Way leader of the world of pop has dragged this retro trend into the millennium, which I resisted for quite some time. But just like I had to listen to Judas 100 some odd times to like slash understand and enjoy it, I had to see this trend in action on the pages of Vogue and on J to the L-O’s hands to think, well maybe it would be worth it to give this bad boy a whirl.

Sometimes a person’s look needs to be updated or given a little edge if you will. And if you can’t go out and dye your hair purple or get a tattoo sleeve (as much as you may desire but silly things like work atmospheres ruin those punk rock dreams), this can be a great little edgy fix to quench your thirst for change.

Take that file, drag it across those squared edges, round them out and throw on a pop color, like Cha-Ching Cherry by OPI. If you need color-spiration, watch the music video for Telephone and go with any of those Warhol pop colors.

I mean grandmothers and nuns are wearing hair bows for crying out loud screaming through the streets “don’t be a drag, just be a queen,” so clearly we all respect how strong Gaga’s grasp is upon the world of fashion.

You win Gaga … you always do.