Oprah Hypnotised Me

NEW YORK - JUNE 4: Television talk show host Oprah Winfrey poses inside during the 25th Anniversary of the Annual CFDA Fashion Awards held at the New York Public Library June 4, 2007 in New York City. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Getty Images for CFDA) *** Local Caption *** Oprah Winfrey
NEW YORK – JUNE 4: Oprah Winfrey poses inside during the 25th Anniversary of the Annual CFDA Fashion Awards

I was never a huge Oprah fan (please don’t throw things at me). Every time I tried to watch an episode, it was always ridiculously sad and turned me into a hysterical mess who all of a sudden felt really bad about everything in life. So yeah … no. 

But after the sheer madness that has been occurring over the past month (and by madness I mean not giving a fuck about dieting and ingesting as many carbs and glasses of alcohol as humanly possible), my body is politely like, “ummm … yeah if you don’t start giving me water and vegetables soon I’m going to straight up cut you.” 

So when I saw Oprah’s new commercial for Weight Watchers (ps. does the woman REALLY need more money, I mean come on?!) explaining how 2016 was going to be the “year of her best body,” I weirdly started drooling and was like, “okay, Oprah, I’ll do whatever you say.” 

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not rushing to join Weight Watchers or anything, because quite frankly I can talk myself out of anything, for example: “Kate, you can have this carb filled carb and NOT go to yoga if you go tomorrow and the next day.” And then I never end up going. So chances of me sticking to a Weight Watchers diet is slim to none. So again … no.

But I do want 2016 to be the year of my best body, dammit, and I think it is because Oprah hypnotised me. Want to know why I believe Oprah hypnotised me? Because last night I ordered a sandwich and took the top piece of bread off of it to reduce carb intake. I took bread off my plate. Do you understand how unnatural that is for me? BREAD WAS REMOVED FROM MY PLATE. Yeah.  

Look … I’m in my last year in my 20’s, I feel disgusting, and I would like to not walk past my mirror and feel the strong urge to kick it in. I’m not saying I want a Kardashian ass or a six pack. I just want Oprah to look at me at the end of 2016, grab both of my hands, lift them up, and start shaking them madly whilst saying, “GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD FOR YOU!” Is that too much to ask?

So if you are someone like me who thought they were safe from Oprah reeling them in to her favorite things, or doctors, or John TRAAAVOOLLLTTAAAA obsessions, you are terribly wrong, my friends, terribly wrong. But this time you aren’t going to want the softest socks in the world or the latest color of Ugg boots … you’re going to want to be your best self (I almost can say that without wanting to vomit).

All hail Queen Oprah. 


These Are A Few Of My Fav Things!

First things first, who is impressed by my mind-blowing “paint” skills to make the picture attached? Anyone? Anyone? No one?

Okay so Oprah did it, every editor and their mom do it now, so therefore I shall share with you all my favorite things. No I will not be handing out school buses and Dodge Neon’s … and I really don’t want my readers to get so excited and hyped up that their eyes roll to the backs of their heads like Oprah’s audience did. Ick.

I’ve been personally bothered by some recent “holiday wish lists” from editors. I was so excited to read them in anticipation that I might discover something super cool. Sure, I think the YSL Calf Hair Bag is something super cool that could interest me … but for $1,995 … even Santa would laugh in my face.

So what I’ve created is like a love child of “my favorite things” and my “Santa wish list.” Most of it is realistic, obtainable, kissable and down right fantastic. Of course, you always put that one outlandish thing on your Santa wish list in hopes he can fit it in his sleigh, so therefore I may have one or two crazytown items … I just couldn’t resist. This post isn’t the end all be all of my fav things … there will be more to come. But for now, if you are as frustrated and annoyed as I am with editors listing things you would have to sell an organ to obtain … then welcome to my world.

1. Paul Mitchell Super Skinny Serum I take a 450 degree flat-iron to my hair every day. People wonder how my hair isn’t fried and or how I even still have hair, but I do because I condition it before I burn the crap out of it with this magical serum. It adds shine, smells fabulous and can be found at any drug store for around $20, but it will last forever.

2. Snap You’re Fab Smashbox Lip Gloss Set- Okay just the name alone is worth purchasing. Santa got this for me last year and some of the lip glosses are still in my purse as I type. They aren’t too sticky and you will be snapping away because the colors are lusciously fabulous. They are just a fun little gift to buy yourself with a to die for price tag.

3. Circle Scarves– I have two and probably could use 50 more. I live in them, I sleep in them, I use them as my own form of a less creepy Snuggie, I drool on them … they are heaven. At first you might be freaked out by how much fabric they have, but all the more to get creative with them. I don’t care if they are hispter-esque, I kiss mine daily.

4. Come to Bed Red Nail Polish- Red nail polish had turned into my “thing” because to me, right now, there is nothing better than a red nail. I’ve been cheating on OPI with Butter, so this is my fav color right now. Two coats and you a ravishing red vixen.

5. Chapstick Medicated- Okay no, I do not have diseased lips or sores or anything gross going on. But this flavor really instantaneously heals chapped lips, especially since it is getting so cold. Who doesn’t want smooth, kissable lips. So just peel off the stupid label so no one things you have herpes or something and rock on.

6. Goldfish- I bet you are thinking, what the hell am I on right now, but if I was to hand out to all my readers a little goodie bag full of my favorite things, these would most certainly be in there. They are tasty, cute and I don’t feel fat whilst eating them or after eating them.

7. Marc Jacobs Quilting Sullivan Shoulder Bag- Dear Santa, if you are reading this … I’ve been an awful good girl this year :::batting eye lashes:::: Pa-pa-pa-please leave this bag for me underneath my Christmas tree. Love, Kate.

8. Sam Edelman ‘Roza’ Pump- Every time I go to Nordstrom in the shoe department, I see these shoes and like try to make out with them. Sure, you could use them as a weapon, but at least you don’t have to carry around mace or a rape whistle! I mean every girl needs a fabulous pair of heels, and this season, these happen to be it for me.

9. Disco Ball– All I ever wanted in life was a disco ball, and finally someone realized I wasn’t kidding and got one for me for my 21st birthday. I then proceeded to bring it out with me that night. It now hangs from the middle of my ceiling in my room and whenever I look at it I smile … how could you not?

10. Yoga Classes- I hated working out, I hated going on a treadmill because every time I do some random stranger tries to strike up a convo with me, even with ear buds in place. I don’t like running, unless there is a tarantula coming my way … so when I found sanctuary in a yoga studio, it was heaven. Soothing, intense, relaxing, fulfilling, inspiring, it really is so worth the money, because I know how crazytown expensive these classes can be. LivingSocial has some GREAT deals, so take advantage and center yourself. Namaste in advance friends, namaste.

So there they are, my 10 fav things for today. Some are obtainable, some just make my happy on a daily basis, some are crazed … but that is the fun in making lists like these.