My Quest For The Perfect Tote

Shopping-Tote-BagsYou would think finding a new tote bag would be a non-issue? Right? When I noticed my tote from Zara was coming apart at the seams simply because I carry my entire life in it all day, err day … I was like okay, time to find another tote. Easy. Not something I’m going to have to pop a Xanax over. 

Wrong, sir … you are wrong. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve spent a stupid amount of time scouring the interwebs in search of my perfect tote. Like a STUPID, idiotic amount of time. Time I should have spent on the Internet researching articles on global warming, or other important world news topics, not for some device to hold everything I need to exist as a person on the daily. 

I also found out A LOT about myself on my search for the perfect tote. Number 1: I am gifted with extraordinarily expensive taste (thanks, mom). And no, I’m not hair flipping and being all cocky over that fact. It sucks. Every bag I liked was $500 or more. That isn’t normal. Nor doable. Why do these expensive bags even exist?! All they do is torture my soul. 

If I ever were to invest in a $1,000 tote bag I would probably turn into a complete psychopath, reserving extra chairs for said bag at restaurants, and buying it a booster seat for the train so it didn’t have to rest on the disgusting floor. To be honest, I would probably not put anything in it. I would just stare at it and stroke it creepily and scream at randos to, “NOT TOUCH MY TOTE, YA JAG!”

The reason I am immediately drawn to these expensive bags, though, is they have originality … something a lot of tote bags you can find at any “normal person store” lacks. Seriously, if I see this bag one more time I’m going to explode out of boredom:

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Sure … it’s just a tote bag. It’s a wide open space for busy ladies to throw their laptops, journals, makeup bags, different clothing to go from AM to PM, and snacks … lots and lots of snacks. But that doesn’t mean it needs to be yawn-worthy. And yet in the same breath, it doesn’t need to say something ridiculous on it like, “meow at me if you like cats as much as I do.” Like I adore cats … but not that much … dag.

I want my tote bag to have some flair, ya know? I want it to look expensive, but not have the price tag that will turn me into a lunatic. I want this Stella McCartney bag, but not pay over $1,000 for it … and yet in the same breath, not have to buy the bootleg Steve Madden version of it either. Is that too much to ask?! 

It’s scary when you walk down the street and every female you pass has the same tote as you in a different color. It’s weird. Think outside of the box, tote bag makers. Or hi, Fendi … make a tote bag that doesn’t mean I have to not pay my rent one month to buy it and there for live out of … kay?

At the end of my stupid amount of time searching … South Moon Under won me over. I’m like 74% okay with it … only because I’m scared it’s going to look cheap and probably going to get dirty as hell. But hey, it was 50% off with free shipping … and my Zara tote is REALLY falling apart. It’s getting embarrassing. 

But I’m still not impressed. For shame, tote bags of America, for shame.

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Back In The 90’s Mini Backpacks … Back I Say!

So yesterday I walked into Target to get a few things … and a few things like clockwork turned into a million unnecessary impulse, “dear God this nail polish is making me so happy right now, I need it immediately,” purchases. And while I was aimlessly wandering around, I stumbled upon the Back To School section. What? Don’t we all still have red, white and blue hangovers? I know as a kid, when I would see the first “Back To School” commercial I would become immediately sick with anxiety, but mind you, this didn’t happen until AT LEAST mid-August. Aren’t we jumpin’ the gun a smidge here people? I digress though …

So all of this brings me to the concept of backpacks. Not JanSport or North Face, “school” backpacks, but miniature, 90’s, Clueless-esque backpack purses. I am all for bringing back trends from decades past, but I think this one needs to marinate in the 90’s a bit longer.

I’m guilty of owning a Kate Spade mini backpack when I was in middle school, and at the time it made me feel like Britney Spears. But let’s not fool ourselves, supplementing the mini backpack as a purse makes no sense! I stopped carrying a backpack when I got to high school, so why in the world as a 24-year-old woman would I want all of my important belongings, including my cell phone, on my back where it is impossible to get to and even easier for fools to rob me.

Being raised in the 90’s, I have an extreme respect for all the greatness that came out of it. And yes, during the “Clueless” era, mini backpacks were rockin’ because at that time only people in Beverly Hills could afford those Zach Morris-esque monsters known as “cellular devices.” So when the average joe jumped on the trend wagon, it made sense! You had a wallet, lip gloss, tampons, a pager perhaps, if you were really technologically savvy, and maybe a pen and paper? Ahh simpler times …

Women in 2011 need things to be at their beck and call within a split second. I don’t care if it is for the sake of fashion, flinging the backpack around, unclasping it, digging through it only to have missed the call and having to do it all over again is beyond tiresome. We are all too text happy to have it live in the dark abyss of a backpack purse when we really just want it close enough to see if it is blinking, lighting up, beeping, binging or whatever your phone does. Facebook Apps don’t belong on your back, they belong in your hand.

And if the need to indulge in this trend is just overwhelming, like you have a fashion itch that you just NEED to scratch, I totally understand … just promise me one thing: NEVER wear it on only one of your shoulders. Dear God, it is the most unbecoming thing one could do. Rock it on both of your shoulders, hold the straps with your thumbs, frolic with it … do whatever you want … just not on only one shoulder.

I’m glad we had this talk … I feel better.

Truth: The Contents Of My Purse

A lady’s purse is sacred, private … and in some cases, like yours truly … the cave of wonders. Do you ever look inside your bag in horror and wonder, “holy hell, am I a soon-to-be hoarder, or do all females carry this much useless crap with them?” I mean sometimes I feel like a disorganized disaster and shame myself for it, yet continue on with my same chaotic purse behavior (CPB for short).

So I thought it would be interesting to empty out my Marc By Marc, red leather bowling bag and go through the contents. This may bore some of you, this might make some of you with CPB like myself feel better, and honestly I hope this makes people, especially men, not so scared of a woman’s purse. What do they think, if they touch it some weird dust will get on them that will make them lose their masculinity? Regardless … here it is folks, straight up what is currently in my everyday handbag:

-My Tory Burch reading glasses that I never wear (hope my eye doc isn’t reading this).

-My fabulous $5 Forever 21 wallet I got years ago that held strong until recently … I refuse to part with it though.

-Six stray dollar bills … time to make it rain, let me tell you …

-A receipt from a gas station that I refuse to look because what is the point.

-A piece of Victory’s Golden Monkey beer bottle wrapper about a mystical golden monkey that I enjoyed so much at the bar, that I just HAD to keep it.

-A rape whistle my brother got me from REI. Pepper spray freaks me out because I am so certain I would be the one to spray myself in the face instead of my said attacker, so I settled for a whistle.

-A pad of paper for random deep thoughts or if I have to instantaneously take notes someplace important (which never happens).

-My Droid, which happens to look like it is straight from 1985. Sprint … GET THE iPHONE! A huge reason why I would keep my purse neat if I had one.

-Chap stick, Chap Stick brand of course, even in the summer it is necessary.

-Nivea soft lips Chap Stick, for you know, when I want my lips extra EXTRA soft.

-A receipt from a bar … typical and usually another receipt I don’t like to look at.

-My fabulous change purse that my niece and nephew got me for Christmas, which I think is from the Netherlands? I could be wrong, but it is really beautiful and different … and keeps me from chucking my change to the bottom of my purse.

-A crystal piece from one of my chandlier-esque necklaces that happened to fall off. Note to self: Need to Macgyver that back on somehow …

-One blue pen (If you are a writer, you should ALWAYS be armed with a pen). And all I do is write in red pen all day at work, so it is like a BIG DEAL when I get to write in another color (sarcasm).

-Orbit gum, the Wintermint flavor of course, which happens to be the only kind I fancy.

-Claritin-D pills, because without them I’m a hot puffy and stuffy mess in the morn’.

-One hair tie, just in case. Even though I never wear my hair up, I still like to have the option … especially since it was 100 degrees today.

-A tampon. I know that was probably rough to read everyone, let’s take a deep breath, whew. I’m a girl and it happens, we all know it does and to tell you the truth, I don’t like having to carry it around with me as much as you don’t like reading about them, looking at me holding one, or thinking about me carrying one around. And I think this is the #1 reason why some men don’t like going through purses. I mean for the love of God, if you had to carry around Rogaine or something once a month, I would TOTALLY still go through your man purse or “satchel.”

-A Forever 21 receipt … another piece of paper I don’t like to review too thoroughly.

-A receipt that isn’t mine … weird.

-My car keys, because I can’t get from A to B without them, and if they aren’t put back into my purse IMMEDIATELY, they will absolutely get sucked into the vortex of my house, never to return ever again.

-Advil at the bottom of my purse, classy I know. If I’m in a rush, I’ll just throw it on in there. Perhaps it is time to invest in one of those old lady pill boxes.

-A Susan B. Anthony coin, damn you Patco, why can’t you just give me dollars back for the love of God!

-Endless gum wrappers … at least I don’t litter?

-And finally, my favorite … SEVEN … I repeat … SEVEN lip glosses. Hi issues, what up.