Sia Holds The Cure To Resting Bitch Face

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red CarpetMondays are rough … even if you are in between jobs like myself, sitting on your couch in cat pajamas watching Kathy Lee and Hoda, waiting patiently for your Claritin to kick in because your allergies are so bad you just want to scratch your face off (hi, welcome to my fabulous life).

My brain just never seems to function properly on a Monday, even if I’ve spent the weekend meditating, drinking strictly green juices and retiring to bed in hydrating face masks at 7 p.m. (because I ALWAYS do that, right?) It just doesn’t. So this got me thinking a lot about Resting Bitch Face (RBF) and just not wanting to participate in the human race because you’re cranky.

We all have our days when pulling up the covers and sinking into our mattresses seems like heaven … especially on Monday. When we find ourselves sitting on a train on the way to work or at our desk before getting caffeine into our veins, and catch ourselves looking like we want to cut someone. We’ve ALL been there, and if you say you constantly walk on sunshine and vom rainbows, I want you to get your head checked, kay?

That’s when I started to think of Sia, who I’m obsessed with. I was a Zero 7 fan (I totally sing “Waiting Line” in my head when I ponder life … I know I’m a freak), I die for the song, “Breathe Me” (mostly the Mylo remix because the original version bums me out), and now … I swoon for her wigs.

At first I was like, “whhhhaaaa?!” But then during an interview, she was quoted saying she just doesn’t have any interest in being famous or recognizable. Hence why she wears the crazy wigs that cover her entire face, have other people in her music videos, and faces a wall during some performances while other famous people put on the show.

And this got me thinking … why can’t WE have “fill ins” when we don’t feel like participating in life? Or better yet! Why can’t we wear over-sized wigs on a stupid day like Monday when no one REALLY wants to participate. Could you imagine how beautiful it could be?

PMSing? Throw on the over-sized wig that mirrors your own hair, but only allows the general public to see your lips (I mean we’ll cut eye holes in it or something … details, details, people). I feel like sending in a so-called “stunt double” to your place of employment would be illegal or something … so let’s not go there … but the wig is GENIUS.

RBF would be obliterated! No longer would co-workers get weird vibes from you and immediately file you under “bitch who you shouldn’t be nice to.” Mixed signals would be gone. If you walk in one day wearing the wig people would just be like, “oh … Kate is having a day … let’s let her be.” And you could just sit at your desk, chugging caffeine, getting your work done, and not having to have painful conversations when you just want silence. Beautiful, breathtaking silence.

So thank you, Sia. While a lot of people don’t understand you and think you’re a weirdo (ps. I never did, let’s be friends and wear cool wigs together, call me!), I think you’ve just come up with the cure for RBF … which is a beautiful thing. Because thanks to society, it just isn’t cool to start off a conversation with a co-worker like, “hey … I have cramps that hurt so badly I could probably punch a hole in the wall, and I would love to cut someone. Kind of. Not really. But kind of. This is why I’m sending off these negatives vibes and look like a bitch.” Just so they know, indeed, you aren’t a bitch. It just isn’t cool. But the wig. Well. The wig could solve it ALL. ALL I say!


If Looks Could Kill …

Tina-FeyThis past weekend, I realized if looks could kill, I would have died.

I found myself walking through a crowded bar, trying to make my way to the bathroom, and felt like I was being stabbed by a million daggers, and by daggers I mean eyes. I immediately thought to myself, “OMG am I too drunk? Is my Resting Bitch Face acting up again? Am I having a wardrobe malfunction?!” But after I checked myself I realized I was fine. I had a good buzz going on, I was with good people, and just had to pee, for the love. So why did I feel an icy chill when I passed certain women? And that’s when it hit me as I was standing in line for the ladies room, it truly SUCKS being a woman in a “trendy” bar. And I say “trendy” because at dive bars no one gives a shit if you showed up in sweats. Just sayin’.

In college, my roommate and I wanted to open a bar where the dress code was sweatpants, sweatshirts, hair in a messy bun, and no makeup … because getting ready to go out was the worst. Now, a bit older and wiser, I no longer have “normal clothes” and “bar clothes.” Thank GAWD … because bar clothes can get a little skanky. When I get ready to go out, I don’t put on four inch heels, my tightest halter top and jeans, and pair it with a bad excuse for a smoky eye. I just dress like … well, me. Because I no longer frequent bars that serve bottle service and let you dance on tables.

It has always been about the competition factor. You always wanted to be the best dressed at the bar in order to bring all the boys to the yard. Am I right? Yeah, maybe when you had a fake ID or just turned 21. It still happens, though, whether you are rocking four inch heels and a halter top or skinny jeans and a T. Women are always eyeing up their competition, for reasons I don’t understand. Perhaps they are scared someone might out-dress them, steal their boyfriend or their prey, or perhaps they are concerned they will have a “bitch stole my look” moment. Who knows.

But Jesus Christ this needs to stop. If you are in your mid-late 20’s/30’s/40’s/50’s/90’s … this behavior is no longer acceptable. You know what I’m doing when I’m eyeing up ladies at a bar? Checking out their outfits for inspiration. Truly. It’s like a realtime Pinterest. And I have no problem going up to someone and saying, “that bag is fierce, where did you get it?!” And not in a Regina George fashion, either, and turn around and say, “that is the ugliest effing bag I’ve ever seen.”

Seriously, stop giving other girls the look of death when they pass you (unless it is your Resting Bitch Face … we all suffer from it time-to-time). I’ve never seen a “hot” woman walk up to someone’s boyfriend at a bar and steal them. That shit only happens on daytime television.

My concept for the sweatpants only bar is so genius simply because it would cut the female tension. Women are SO much happier getting drunk in sweats, am I right? I know I am. I mean for the love of GAWD we have so much other shit to worry about whilst out on the town. Lipstick/lip gloss coming off with every sip of a cocktail, drunk face ruining all the time and effort we put on makeup application, deciding when to break the seal, because if you break it too soon you will be running to the bathroom every 5 seconds, protecting drinks so we don’t get roofied, protecting our handbags so no one robs us as we drink, trying not to lose our jackets. I mean, it’s exhausting.

So my double-triple-quadruple dare for you next weekend is when you’re out and about, make and effort to smile at your fellow female. Perhaps compliment her on something. Just don’t make her feel like she wants to die with your dirty looks (again, if it’s RBF, you are excused). Because chances are she is not trying to steal your boyfriend or kill your vibe, she just wants to go to the bathroom.

I’ll leave you with this:
Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe.