Step Aside, Smokey Eye, Step Aside

22c43ecd8fd3c62386c357b92d7c58f5The thing I love about the fashion industry is that trends come and go … except Chanel. That shit is here forever … and I’m one hundo percent okay with that. But what I’m saying is if you don’t like a trend, or something doesn’t look right on you … it will fade to black in seasons to come. And that is a fact you can rely on.

Except the God damn smoky eye. What is with that thing?! I remember I was in high school when it started to take off … and that was :::starting to trail off and mumble::: number of years ago. And I was immediately put under its spell, getting it done for both of my proms, and formals in college, and just for funsies when I needed a pick me up, and now I’m STILL getting it done for weddings and events. Welp, the spell has been broken … I’ve had just about enough of you, smokey eye.

Sure, it looks über chic on some people … but I realized after all of these years, every time I get it done, I walk around afterward asking people if I look a hot tranny mess. I suppose I have an issue with having eye shadow up to my eye brow, and then I feel restricted because in my head I think I should only wear a nude lip … but still the makeup artist puts color on my lips and then I feel like Mimi from the Drew Carey show, who knows. Honestly, when you pay good money for someone to do your makeup, you should walk around thinking nothing but, “I’m the shit.” But for me it’s more like dear God my face is shiny, I look like a stripper, how do I get this shit off of my eyebrow .. etc.

It doesn’t help that no one can it properly, either. A makeup trend shouldn’t be this tricky, folks. Revlon shouldn’t be coming out with products like, “smoky eye for dummies”, 10 years after the makeup trend surfaced. And quite frankly when I see Kate Hudson on that commercial for Almay’s version of “smokey eye for dummies”, showing how simple and stress-free it is to apply, I want to punt my television AND her skinny ass. I mean, come on. I’ve watched YouTube videos, I’ve had extremely talented makeup artists explain to me the tricks of the trade, and I still end up looking like an awkward, gothic teenage kid who hates her parents and expresses her teenage rage through black eye shadow and liner.

To me, the smokey eye should be “smokey” … grays, blacks, you know … DRAMA. But every time I go to get it done, they end up using all of these crazed colors, when in reality, I’m just looking for the old-school drama and glamour of the look. Now listen, I know I’m not a makeup expert … and I’m not THAT talented at applying makeup, but when someone is coming at me with blue shadow to match the dress I am wearing and somehow will turn that color into a “smokey eye” … well, I”m backing away slowly and then running like hell.

Then there was that time that I wanted to just get my eyes done for a bachelorette party I was attending, and of course, since it was a sassy night out with the gals, I wanted the drama. I always have this vision of myself looking like a bond girl with a smokey eye. Well this lovely, super “talented” makeup artist decided tangerine would be a cool color to use. I thought it would just be an accent color, meanwhile she was slapping it on my entire lid, up to my brow. The looks of sheer horror on my friend’s face was priceless, and when I saw the finished product, the amount of rage I felt was endless. That was the one and only time I have ever shamed a makeup artist in my life. I just stood up, took a cloth and started wiping it off. She looked confused and scared. I just returned to my natural state and stormed off. Tangerine? Really? Just because I have blue eyes doesn’t ever make that color okay to use as a shadow … just sayin’.

So to the cosmetics companies out there, do not try to lure us into buying products that make the smokey eye easy, breezy and beautiful … because they do not. “All you do is one stroke of the dark color, then another stroke of the lighter color, a little mascara, and little liner and then .. WA-LA!” Shut your face, okay … shit like that doesn’t happen in real life.

To the smokey eye … you were fun. I played around with you, we had some semi-good times together. But you’re a little too high maintenance for my liking. Let’s put you away for a better day and give another eye makeup trend a whirl, shall we? I personally adore the thick wing-tipped, Amy Winehouse-inspired liner and only that.

What is your favorite eye makeup trend?

Nail Polish Scandal Uncovered

OPI_Ladies_and_Magenta-MenOPI … Essie … Revlon, etc. … I’m on to your asses.

Quite frankly I’m kind of shocked that  60 Minutes and/or Dateline hasn’t covered this hot story. But what … is up … with the fact that you can NEVER finish a bottle of nail polish?!

I’m obsessed with the color fire engine, 1950’s red. It isn’t a real color name, but that is what I call electric red (OPI I am available for nail polish naming if you so desire my services). I’m not a nail polish snob, I will use anything from N.Y.C. all the way to OPI and Essie. But 9 times out of 10 … my nails are fire engine red. Therefore when I buy a bottle of red nail polish, I will most likely finish it … or so I like to think.

For example, the bottle above I purchased a couple of months ago. I lerve it, clearly, so much that there is barely anything left in the bottle. Right … well, the funny thing is … the brush doesn’t really reach that far down. I know right … I’m appalled too! So the color that is left … I can’t get to unless I tip the bottle over causing a huge disaster, explaining why half my furniture/bed linens have red nail polish stains on them. Hmm … odd isn’t it, nail polish companies?

I get it, you want me to say … “oh fiddlesticks and a half … empty bottle … time to go to the store and buy another $9-$12 one. OR … “I’m so over this color … I’m going to move on to the next trend.” HOGWASH! I’m using this thing until it is bone dry … got me? And honestly who has that kind of cash flow to drop on bottles and bottles of nail polish?! But what I really want to know is why the brush isn’t long enough? Hmm? Because to me it looks like a blatant attempt at screwing over the American public … and I just won’t stand for it.

I get it … women like options. One season blue is in vogue and the next it is pink. But we should have the option to finish a bottle without having to tip it over and/or add nail polish remover in order to finish up the rest of the color. It is wasteful, and you know what, for how expensive nail polish is, a travesty.

So for shame, nail polish companies. I demand an answer as to why some big shot at the brush company got together with some big shot at the bottle company, and decided to screw over the American public (Father of the Bride … what, what). You don’t think most women will get to the point where a nail polish bottle will be empty … but I’m not most women. Boom.

Power to the people and their rights for longer nail polish brushes!


Anxiety In The Makeup Department

Ulta counter email to LG for blog 7-10-062013 is here and I don’t know about you, but I get the urge to revamp every aspect of my life this time of year. I feel empowered to work harder, try new things, get healthy (although I am not one of those diet-obsessed/gym membership-crazed freaks), and really just get the urge to start kicking ass and taking names. It feels amazing … even if I know it may or may not last.

But I also find myself VERY bored with my overall appearance. I’m literally yawning at myself in the mirror. I feel like my hair style hasn’t changed since early 2002, which concerns me. Have you ever seen those women with the hairstyles from the 1980’s who think they look absolutely smashing, but clearly are unaware of the fact that 20 years have passed? Am I that person now?! Are ” the kids” laughing at me saying like, “wow, nice straight hair from 2002, granny!” Eek!

So I had an Ulta gift card burning a hole in my pocket, and thought why not start revamping my look with some new glam-a-lam. There were two definite things I ran out of that I needed, but besides that I had an open mind. When I got there, I had extreme makeup ADD. My mind was literally going, “oh Stila, but wait … Smashbox lip glosses?! OMG stop … Bare Minerals … ahhh!” Like I could NOT focus for the life of me.

In essence … here is why I cannot shop in stores that strictly just sell beauty products.

1. The pretty colors distract me: I know, I’m five. But seriously, the way the makeup lines are set up with all the pretty colors and containers exposed makes it extremely difficult for me to focus on one thing. I’m like jumping from lip glosses to shadows to different brands to hair dryers in seconds. Not only that it’s like lip glosses, eye shadows, nail polishes, hair styling tools, spa items, bags, hair accessories … like my sweet Jesus … enter anxiety attack stage left.

2. Idiots Work There: I mean no disrespect and I’m not saying ALL people that work in these stores are idiots, but if you are working in a department that sells $40 lip glosses … you should probably know a thing or two about A. customer service and B. the product itself. I was clearly wandering around like a lost fool in front of these two sales associates today who were having a really vibrant conversation about their college experience and what they wanted to do with their lives. “:::twirls hair::: Like I have a broadcasting degree … but like, you can’t really do a lot with it, so I’m just here for now until I figure something else out.” Seriously, that’s fantastic and all … I’m glad your educated, but mama needs help picking out products. Help a sista out, for the love of God! They didn’t even acknowledge me, and I really didn’t want to ask their opinions because I just had this inkling that they would turn me into Snooki. And yeah … no.

3. Brand Overload: We all have brands that we are loyal to for one reason or another, but like I said … new year, time to branch out a little. But how do you know what is good and what isn’t? Sure, you can read all the reviews and ask for opinions … but at the end of the day everyone’s skin and style is different, so really you are forced to just test products blindly. No offense, but buying a $20 eye liner without knowing for a fact that I am going to adore it doesn’t seem too appealing to me. They blind us with brand bling … yet I have no guarantees.

4. The Necessities: I went into Ulta for two products, but had an open mind for some new thangs. I found myself torn between what I needed and what I wanted. I wanted to try out a dark red lipstick, but I needed new gold-ish eye shadow because I knew I was going to run out shortly. I wanted the cool new colors from Smashbox, but needed a new Mascara. Hence why I was walking around the department like a lost fool. The stylish angel on my shoulder was pushing me one way while the saucy devil on the other was trying to get me to do bad things.

5. I’m Super Cheap: The beauty behind Sephora is that they don’t give you the “cheaper” option. They are literally like too f-ing bad … we have high-end brands and if you must go slightly cheaper, we have the Sephora brand for you … which is still kind of pricy. But with Ulta you have one side full of glitzy, higher-end brands, and then the classic Revlon, Almay, Covergirl, etc. on the other side. So when I find a $20 designer eye shadow and fall in love with it … I end up going to the other side to go find it for cheaper. That’s just how I roll.

So there ya have it. I literally didn’t step out of my makeup comfort zone because I got so overwhelmed by all of the above. Sigh … damn you Ulta … you’ve won this one.

The Power of a Red Pout

It can be difficult to dig yourself out of what seems like an endless emotion hole, and I have to admit this weekend I was in a deep one. But there gets to a point where you have to say to yourself, ENOUGH, get up and do that one thing that brings your joy. For me, my Sundays are spent shopping and or doing research for my writing (which involves shopping). And sometimes throwing on a pair of jeans with a comfy shopping shirt isn’t enough to make you want to get out of that said “funk,” so other reinforcements need to be called in. For me, it was the red lipstick.

I do not have an Angelina Jolie pout in any way in fact I have the opposite. I’m pale, I have faded freckles, blue eyes and right now my hair is long and dark brown, until I get bored. But throwing on that vintage t-shirt, skinny’s and then a red lip literally made me feel like I was carrying a vile of my brother’s blood around my neck … well maybe not that crazytown … but confidence was instilled is what I am getting at.

So what constitutes the right red? First of all, avoid orange and pink tones … ick. Second of all, make sure your lips are moisturized before applying this kind of intense lip stick, otherwise it will not spread evenly and you will look the ultimate hot mess. We are going for the confident, “I don’t give a fuck about you fools,” look … not the, “hi, I have 15 cats and I read encyclopedias for fun,” look. Mac has some great shades to play around with, but my favorite is Russian Red. It is everything the name says and don’t worry about it coming off … because it never will, trust.

If you just want to run out to your local pharmacy, I always go straight to Revlon. From nail polishes to rouge … they know what is up outside of Sephora’s walls. Revlon Matte Really Red is a great start and really lets you indulge in the true pop of red.

Don’t be afraid of red lips … take it for a test drive when you are going shopping, running errands … or even sitting watching a movie. It is just another opportunity to feel like a new, better you.