Self Care

parks-and-recreation-meditation-ron-swansonThe world is a God damn dumpster fire. That’s really all I can say. I literally walked upstairs to pee the other night, and by the time I came back to my couch, the acting Attorney General had been fired for not swallowing a fist full of Trump’s crazy pills. Uhhh…  

Logging on to social media is like immersing yourself in an angry crowd of towns folk trying to bring to justice a bunch of witches. That is the world right now. So many people (myself included) are so angry, sad, outraged, in shock, and God damn rightly so since we are all fucked, unless you are a privileged white dude. 

I realize “self care” has become such a buzzword as of late. And for a while I thought it was just an excuse to slack off and schedule a massage for no reason. I didn’t realize what it meant or how important it was until I found myself in the middle of a good ol’ fashioned breakdown. 

My anxiety was through the roof, my eyes were leaking, I was FEELING things (what the eff!?). I just wasn’t me, and that’s a scary thing to realize. I’m not saying it was all Donald Trumps’ fault, but his dumb ass DEFINITELY had something to do with it (#thanksDonald). Because when you immerse yourself in that much negative shit, there is really no other outcome. 

While in no way, shape, or form would I consider myself even CLOSE to a “self help guru” (hi, I’m a hot fucking mess sprinkled with anxiety and self loathing), I am figuratively stepping outside of the insane, angry crowd of people to “get some fresh air.” Because sometimes it’s too much. 

One person can’t save the world, unfortunately. What you CAN focus on saving is your sanity. Because we need sane people to help fight this madness going down in our country. 

Henceforth where this “self care” comes in. Listen to your body. If you want to punt your television every time you watch the news, then stop for a bit. If you can’t take the crazy loons screaming on social media about how everything is awful and underlining another horrific thing Trump has done, log off.

For example I’ve been keeping my phone in my purse for a few hours after I get home from work. It’s torture, and I can only imagine it is like what a drug addict goes through when they can’t get a fix, but I’m trying, dammit. 

After hour two I like run to my phone thinking 50 people texted me, when in reality only a food delivery service texted me a coupon code for my next order. Awesome. 

I’m back on Pinterest, because pinning shit soothes my soul. I watch the Food Network because I find it relaxes me (unless Guy Fieri is on or some kids baking bullshit). I have like 45 books that need reading, so I’m going to do that this weekend. Binge watching TV is cool. Like right now I’m on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (it’s so good, but I wish they would stop singing … it makes me uncomfortable).

I mean, we are all different weird birds, so I can’t tell you how to define your “self care.” Just don’t feel like an asshole because you’ve treated yourself to a bottle of wine and you’re soaking in a juicy Us Weekly instead of joining your fellow people and protesting for our rights. 

Just don’t tune out completely … because that would be dumb and I’m pretty sure if we all tune out, we are for sure going to die. Kay, thanks. 

Everything in moderation, right? Fake self help guru OUT :::drops mic:::

Jesus Did Not Die NOR Did He Rise …

meh-funny-anti-valentines-day-t-shirt… on February 14.

Valentine’s Day is such a bunch of bullshit. Seriously … way to go Hallmark for finding a way to make people want to crawl in a black hole one day a year for no other reason than the fact that they aren’t receiving chocolates, flowers and idiotic cards that say, “I Woof You,” with some pathetic looking dog on it. I’ve seen girls literally cry themselves into a frenzy watching other women receive flowers and not them. It’s wild and sad all at the same time.

Now I’m not speaking as an enraged woman who just had her heart-broken … absolutely not. Because even if you are with that “special someone” … these Valentine’s Day advertisements have an acute way of making you feel absolutely alone. All of a sudden your mind goes to crazy places like, “my boyfriend doesn’t shop at Jared … what does it mean!?!” “Why haven’t I received an open heart necklace … huh?!” “OMG … I’m sitting on my couch alone right now … I’m going to be alone forever … ever … ever …ever :::Trails off:::” In-san-i-ty.

I wouldn’t even take the time to acknowledge the fact that Cupid voms all over the place this time of year if it wasn’t for a very poignant conversation I just had with my best friend. I won’t give you the nitty-gritty details, but it was about “getting back to you.” It is so easy to get lost in work, every day life, a relationship, that you begin to lose yourself … including what you stand for. Only until someone smacks you upside the head and makes it crystal clear what you have become is when you realize that you are standing as a hot mess at point B … and point A (where your true self exists) is like 500,000 miles away in the opposite direction. And that is when you stop and say, “sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiit.”

So I want to stick it to Valentine’s Day this year … and I’m hoping all of my fab readers will stand with me. And I’m not saying this in an Alanis Morissette kind of “You Outta Know” way. I’m saying it so ladies out there don’t take it as a green light to torture the men in their lives for not planning the “perfect evening” and for the other set of single women to plan elaborate all female gatherings Real Housewives-style chugging white wine and spurting out half thought out sentence fragments about why being single is so awesome and how “I don’t need no mans ::: drunken z-snap:::”, oh yeah and … “why doesn’t he LOVE me?!!?!?! ::::drunken tears::::: Ew.


So do me a fav and …


Please refrain from the following:

1. All girl dinners that end up being drunken convos about ex-boyfriends and how much they suck … yet don’t … yet do … yet don’t … and usually end with a pathetic drunken text to him/her that sounds like SUCH a good idea at the time, but when you wake up in the morning will make you want to die. Seriously ladies … just don’t. Seriously. “No … but I jussssss … need … to tell him … that I’m sooooooo over husss stupid azzzzz.” Yeah … text messaging ex-boyfriends should have a breathalyzer device attached to it. Apple … get on this.

2. Rolling your eyes at co-workers/friends who get showered the legit way for Valentine’s Day with flowers and such. It will be tempting … but let’s take the high road. There are some good ones out there who know how to do it right, no matter how stupid and clique it may seem. So anyone who wants to send me milk chocolate caramels … I will not stop you, nor will I roll my eyes. Just sayin’ …

3. Putting up a status somewhere across social media about Valentine’s Day and how fabulous you are with an undertone of saltiness that you are single. Seriously … not a good look. Tacky if anything. Being single isn’t cancer and age is it but a number. Get. Over. Yourself.

But seriously …

Please indulge in the following:

1. How fantastic you are … personally, professionally, all around … indulge in it. It is a day about “love”, right? Think of all the ways that you make life lovable and how life makes you lovable. Put on a fabulous outfit, go about your day like any other day … but take the time to love yourself. I know I sound like a heinous self-help nightmare right now, but I’m serious for once. It is important, dammit.

2. How fantastic the people in your life are. Family, friends … even if you have one of each … it is a blessing. I am the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by such lovely friends. That is something to celebrate and hell … I may even consider buying them a God damn open heart necklace because yes, they rock THAT much.

3. Know that one day to show the love … just isn’t enough and shouldn’t be enough. The love should be shown 365 days a year. Nice try Hallmark, but we ain’t buyin’. One day of roses and candies and naked Cupids doesn’t mean shit at the end of the day. It means your neighbor gave in to the man … and you didn’t. BOOM.

Ahhh Valentine’s Day … how you make us all go cray. But this year … it is time to rise above.