I Know Why Melania Trump Looked So Miserable…

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 1.43.03 PMI’m seeing all of these articles about how miserable Melania Trump looked at the inauguration, and how people are concerned for her well being because of it. 

Umm I know why she was miserable (besides the obvious, but I won’t go there right now). Girlfriend was rocking pointy 4-5 inch stiletto suede heels. No platform. No support. Just straight up, painful ass 4-5 inch stilettos. They looked fantastic, but my GAWD. The pain.

She stood in them. She walked all the way down Pennsylvania Ave in them. She hauled herself up the White House steps in them. I mean … sweet mother of ouch. I was cringing just watching it. 

How she kept it together is beyond me. At the end of the night before the inaugural ball, I saw a man in the armed forces escorting her into the White House. Probably because all of her toes were numb and she was sucking back tears of pain.  

If I were her, it would have taken everything in my being not to whip off the shoes, punt them, and strut into the White House barefoot as First Lady for the first time (hence why I would be the world’s worst First Lady. Please, whomever I date, don’t be presidential). 

I don’t care who you are. First Lady. Queen Elizabeth. Shoes like that are not comfortable, nor will they ever be. I don’t care if they have a red sole… at the end of the day it means bupkis. Our feet just shouldn’t be confined and elevated like that. It’s weird when you think about it. 

And I don’t believe designers go, “oh, you’re rich and famous? Let me sprinkle some magical dust pheasants and poor people don’t know about in the shoes so you can hop, skip, and jump in them all the day long.” No. 

For the love of God, I wore 4 inch heels sans a platform to a party two weeks ago and danced my ass off and guess what? My big toe is STILL numb. STILL. That can’t be good, right? So I can only imagine the agony Melania must be feeling. Although, bitch probably has an army of people to massage them whenever she wants. But don’t mind me, I’ll be over here praying to Jesus I regain feeling back in my big toe, and secretly freaking out that it is going to fall off, no big deal. 

So for all of you sooooo very concerned over the well being of our First Lady, shimmah. I’m pretty sure her misery stemmed from poor shoe choices (weeeeeelllll and being mar … no. No, Kate, fight it, fight it).

We’ve all been there. I mean who hasn’t shot their partner a look of death through the agony of their feet being shoved into a tight, uncomfortable point, or who, through grinded teeth, exclaimed, “I’m going to fucking scream if I can’t take these damn shoes off right now.” 

So first lesson for the First Lady, pull a Michelle Obama and rock some flats when you’ve got a long day ahead of you. She had the right idea. True, flats aren’t as sexy as heels, I get it, but give yourself a damn break. Ain’t no shame in your game, girl. 

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Tomorrow Is Going To Suck… So Shoes

Screen Shot 2017-01-19 at 12.39.58 PMIf you’re anything like me, tomorrow you will be sticking your fingers in your ears screaming, “LA LA LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU,” as you avoid all TV and Internet coverage of the inauguration. Sigh … this is a sick dream, right?

Anywho … shoes. Over the past few months I think everyone has lost their minds a bit, and for the sake of shoes, I think it is an amazing thing. 

Want lightning bolts all over your booties? Done. Want to look like a sparkle bomb vommed all over your feet? Sold. All of it is kind of genius.

I recently purchased these pink flowery booties with a lucite heel (because … lucite heel … see above). The pattern looks like a print you would find on a couch rotting away in a vintage store, but I couldn’t resist. 

I was fully prepared for them to look heinous in person, but I was pleasantly surprised. And the best part is they give me this sick amount of joy (even though my feet are still a little numb from dancing in them this past weekend … that’s normal, right?)

So, if you’re feeling like the world is probably going to end starting tomorrow and women are on the verge of losing all of their rights and everything is just fucking awful, buy yourself a pair of shoes you normally would just look at and say, “I LOVE those, but where would I wear them?” Because those are the shoes that will make you smile the most, even in the worst of times. 

Need some inspiration? Welp, ma babies … Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra is here.

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Spring Sandals: They’re What’s For Dinner

7df7c9ea2cb61fbb9d486f6c8ef66f7eI have this violent urge to up my sandal game this season. Perhaps it’s because I’m not allowing myself to buy anything “springy” until I actually successfully stick to my diet (that’s a different story for a different time), but right now, my mind is all about the shoes. 

And luckily this season, I feel like everyone stopped smoking a hipster’s stash of crack, because everything is really good. While last year I felt like it was all flatforms and normcore nonsense, now there seems to be a little somethin’ somethin’ for everyone. 

So I’ll stop wasting my breath because … shoes … and allow you to browse a few of my favorite pairs. Because yes, I have been scouring the interwebs for all the best ones (yes, this is what I do with my spare time)

Umm … you’re welcome :::takes obnoxious bow:::. 

ASOS – $45.50 (they are on sale … RUN!)

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Sam Edelman – Gretchen – $129.85

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Zara – $69.90

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Topshop – $48 (I own these and they are my life)

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Sole Society – $74.95

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Steve Madden – $69.95 (swooning HARD for these bad boys)

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Daisy Street – $39

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Zara – $119

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You Know What Keeps Me Cool? Shoes.

Screen Shot 2015-09-09 at 3.31.07 PMTo all of you lovely people posting nostalgic pictures of summertime and weeping that it is over, I kind of want to smack you. Hard. Because according to my sweat-soaked bra (how about that visual) and makeup melting off of my face, it’s still breathing its heavy, humid breath all over us.

And you know what? I’ve had enough. I’m at my breaking point. In fact, as I was walking home from the train, I just wanted to throw in the towel, fall into a heap of sweat on the street corner and wale, “WHEN WILL IT END … DEAR GOD WHEN WILL IT END … AND WILL SOMEONE CALL ME AN UBER, FOR THE LOVE!” 

So to be less overdramatic, I’ve been thinking about what could immediately solve this problem. Creating an air conditioned ball I could roll to and fro in, perhaps? Never leaving my air conditioned home? And then it came to me. Fall shoes. Fall shoes cure EVERYTHING :::jumps in mid-air with excitement:::

While I know fall shoes can’t help me from sweating through my bra and getting in fits of rage as I suffer through the heatwaves and humidity, they can reassure me there is a light at the end of this stifling tunnel. 

I’m not going to lie to any of you, the fall shoe game this season is swoon-worthy, and I may or may not have been caught drooling over them at my computer, but that is neither here nor there. 

So while I try to control throwing shit at my television when the weather person says the words “heatwave” and “lasting several days” … I’m going to dazzle you with some of my favorite fall shoes that are not only heavenly … but affordable (sort of, kind of). How ’bout that?!

*Click on images to make your shoe dreams come true.

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Style Stud: Bus Stop Boutique

logoAs a tall gal, it has taken me a VERY long time to embrace sky high heels. I would always admire them from the sidelines. Maybe purchase them and just gaze longingly at them in a glass case. But only recently did I rock them with zero fucks given.

But even if you don’t care, standing next to a 5 foot girl, as a 5’9 girl wearing 4 inch heels .. is super awkward. I end up resembling Gigantor and in an effort to make fun of myself before anyone else has the opportunity to, I will stomp around making growling noises (I’m normal, I swear).

My dream has been for there to be a middle ground between amazing stilettos and kitten heels, so I can still feel like I’m wearing big girl heels, but not looking like the damn Jolly Green Giant whilst standing next to my teeny tiny friends. But alas, none can be found, unless you like Easy Spirits … which no … just … no.

Enter Bus Stop Boutique, stage right. We fell in love on Instagram (I feel like I should make up a song about this), when I saw my fantastic friend Sarah (yes I spoke about this earlier this week), rocking a fierce pair of heels that I needed to have. I made her take me to this mystical place where I knew there was just something special about the shoes.

If you live in Philly, congrats, now go to Bus Stop Boutique immediately. If you are looking for a cool pair of shoes, something out of the ordinary and want ace customer service by the lovely Elena (owner of Bus Stop Boutique), bring it on down to Queen Village.

But in all honesty, the reason why I fell head over heels (no pun intended) for this boutique is because it catered to the tall girl. Yes, they have stilettos and insanely cute flats, but they also have the rare and illusive mid-size heel … aka a tall girl’s dream. You can still strut and be sexy, but not turn into a sky high beast.

I would like to thank Bus Stop for treating my tootsies like a queen and for hooking me up with a pair of heels that make my feet feel completely and utterly fancy. Sometimes we need an extra special pair of shoes to get us from A to B … and this is the spot to get um, ladies.

Now indulge with me over just a few pairs of shoes I’m drooling over for fall …

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My First Pair Of Kicks In 11 Years

Capture1I know what you’re thinking. Are those the beat up ol’ running shoes Jennay gave Forrest in Forrest Gump? Sadly … no. I assume they are probably in the Smithsonian or something. These pink gems happen to be the last pair of kicks I purchased … in 2003. Yes. 2003 was the last time I invested in a pair of sneakers. I bought these Reeboks on an annual NYC shopping trip that my mom and I used to take before every school year. Back then I rocked sneakers almost every day (I was in high school, heels weren’t really appropriate).

Fast forward 11 years later and here I am. The reason why sneakers haven’t graced my feet since 2003 is because I had absolutely no need for them. In college I pretty much wore Uggs or flats, or if I was heading out on the town, heels. Also I had absolutely no money to purchase things I didn’t 100% need. Once I got thrown into the “real world” I started my love affair with heels. Like big girl heels, not the kind I once upon a time purchased in Target in the sale bin. When it came down to it and I was faced with a pair of Sam Edelman stilettos or a pair of Nike kicks … who do you think won? Sam ALWAYS won. Still does. :::Swoon:::

I bet you’re wondering, do I work out? Am I active? Are you obsess? The answers to those questions would be sometimes, kind of, and absolutely not. I just found a way around purchasing sneakers by participating in physical activities that didn’t require any “active-wear” like yoga, for example. No shoes required, what so ever. Kind of genius, and my favorite way to break a sweat. Because I don’t run even if I’m being chased by a serial killer and gyms annoy me more than anything.

But after years of wearing seriously inappropriate footwear … stilettos, pointed stilettos, flats with absolutely no support, I realized I was doing a number on my feet. Let me say, I hate feet. Loathe feet. I will never ever understand people who have feet fetishes. But thanks to my poor footwear decisions, I started noticing that I’m developing bunions (ew), I have scars everywhere from blisters and cuts (ew), and my feet constantly ache. Cool.

As a commuter in the city, I walk EVERYWHERE. And when I gained the title as “public transportation user” and threw my car keys to the wind, I promised myself I would still wear cute shoes and not be one of those women who rock sneakers with a skirt suit. See below:

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And after almost a year of doing this, my feet are in worse shape than ever (don’t worry, I’ll spare you the imagery). So that’s when I decided to take to Twitter and have the general public help me find a great pair of sneakers that wouldn’t make me feel like a 1980’s working woman. Enter Reebok Women stage right.

I saw the commercials for Reebok Skyscape with Miranda Kerr strutting around and almost forgetting to take off her shoes before getting in the shower, but I was too fixated on how Miranda Kerr is the spokesperson for EV-ERY-THING to notice how rad these sneakers were. But I digress.

So after chatting with the great people over at Reebok Women, telling them my sob story about how I’ve been torturing my feet for years, they recommended the Reebok Skyscape … and not just recommended, but demanded that they send me a pair. Out of all the fun colors and styles, I, of course, chose the leopard print ones, as I felt I would have a better opportunity to style them up more. See below:

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And after 11 years, I FINALLY own a pair of ridiculously cool kicks that don’t make me feel like a “Sport Spice,” but just like me. A ridiculously big thanks to the great peeps over at Reebok Women … I’m in lerve. And no, I still refuse to part with my pink Reeboks. They are just too good to toss.

Oh also, I totes lay on my bed in my Skyscapes just like this … totes.

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Blister Season

cruelshoesYou guys, I’m in pain. Severe, severe pain. And I would like to thank my feet not being conditioned for sandals of any kind.

With the weather, for once, being over 60 degrees this weekend slash this week, Friday I took it upon myself to march to DSW to stock up on some new sandals. Let me tell you, I was like a kid in a candy store. How could I not be? All I’ve wanted to do was toss my boots to the wind and let my feet flourish in fresh air (after a nice pedicure, though … no one wants to see any of that pre-pedicure. Hey, it was a rough winter.).

After scoring some ridiculously good deals (seriously, you would be a fool not to march to DSW right now … go … well, no … finish reading this post … THEN go), I literally was ripping open the boxes and putting the gladiator heels and sandals on my feet before even making it home. Now for those of you who don’t know, I walk. A lot. I work in the city and hate driving, so yeah. Without thinking or taking the proper precautions, I threw on my new shoes and started trekking out and about. There’s truly nothing better then strutting in a pair of new sandals. Until after an hour of strutting you literally are in so much pain you want to cry. If you saw a person walking awkwardly in the city and cursing under her breath because of the pain this weekend, that was me.

I suppose at the end of every summer, there is some hormone or enzyme that makes women forget how much breaking in sandals sucks … much like they say about childbirth. Because flash forward to me last night, at the end of the weekend, with my feet covered in blisters and cuts (sorry for the amazingly graphic image right there). I spent my Sunday evening covering my wounds in Neosporin and writhing in pain. And then I remembered, oh yeah, sometimes, and by sometimes I mean most times, sandals need to be worked in. Seriously, have you ever taken a shower with your feet covered in blisters? Yeah. It sucks. Everything sucks unless you are a princess and can kick your feet up all day. If so, I hate your face.

As much as I’m so pumped the weather is finally warm enough to retire the over sized sweaters, boots, and jackets … I’m not so pumped about conditioning my feet for new sandals. It’s a bitch. I mean I woke up this morning, hoping the Neosporin magically cured my feet wounds (again, sorry for the mental image) overnight, but alas it did not. So today I had to rock a pair of flats that are so old I probably needed to retire them six months ago, but so comfy I just could not part with them … thank God. Oh yeah … and I had to wake up super early for the covering of wounds with Band Aids process … even though half of them won’t stay on and I will probably find a really random Band Aid under my desk or something. Sexy, right? Nothing like a random Band Aid.

So here I am, walking carefully as literally anything I put on my feet rub one of the many blisters the wrong way, praying for the days when I’m all healed up and ready to rock my sandals. And hoping to dear sweet Jesus they won’t re-damage my feet. Which, let’s be real, they probably will.

I leave you with this Public Service Announcement, ladies. Don’t walk far distances in new sandals. Wear them around your house, walk around the block, but don’t do anything ambitious like walk 10 city blocks in them … like me. Learn from my mistakes. Hopefully one day you’ll see me strutting in my cute new sandals that I want to kiss I love them so much. But until then, it’s crusty ol’ flats for me. :::Sigh::: I mine as well say screw it and rock orthopedics.
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