Stickin’ It To Abercrombie.

CaptureWhen I was in high school, I wanted to be cool. Like really cool. Like Kelly Kapowski cool. And I thought the way to do that was through trendy clothing that all the cool kids were wearing. Juicy, Hard Tail, Mavi Jeans … and good ol’ Abercrombie & Fitch. Sigh.

So, of course, on my Christmas list to Santa, clothing from Abercrombie was on there. Flash forward to Christmas morning when I’m holding boxes from A&F grinning from ear-to-ear like an idiot and my mom staring at me, shaking her head in disbelief and annoyance.

She then enlightened me to her very first … and last … Abercrombie experience, which I will share with you now, from her perspective, told by me (from what I can recall).

The smell was overwhelming when I first walked in to the point where it was making me nauseous. I kept going though because “Santa” needed to finish her Christmas duties. But it wasn’t just that. It was the music. The awful, horrifyingly loud music. I couldn’t think!

And then I got greeted by some model-looking half wit who is a size negative zero strutting around in A&F. I smiled and started to look around by myself. The funny thing was, there was no light! Just these tiny tea lights around the clothing. Was I looking at a t-shirt or was it a dress, I didn’t have the slightest idea!

So I was forced to ask a sales associate for help. I told the girl that I was looking for an outfit for my daughter, who was tall and skinny with long legs. She said some things but I couldn’t hear her. Her: “What kind of ::muffled noise::: Me: WHAT?! Her: “Does your daughter li … :::muffled noise::: Me: WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU? I mean I was screaming at this poor girl to get my point across! Once I started reading her lips, we got on the same page.

So she brought me over to the jean skirts, the ones that all the girls wear, apparently. I lifted it up to one of the tea lights and realized this piece of jean they were calling a jean skirt that looked like someone took a lawn mower to it was over $100, and would not even cover her behind. We moved on to t-shirts. She isn’t a large … at all. But when I lifted the medium up, it didn’t even look like it would fit a toddler. Forgive her for having breasts. So I was forced to get a large, which I wasn’t even sure would fit her. Not to mention I couldn’t find a t-shirt that didn’t say ABERCROMBIE all over it to save my life. And because I needed to get the hell out of that store, I was forced to buy an overpriced t-shirt … and the run towards fresh air and silence.

True life: That large t-shirt … didn’t fit me. And you know what, I was 5’9 and in no way, shape or form overweight. But even in their overpriced jeans, I was like a size 15, when normally I was a size 6. Really?

Clothing is supposed to make you feel good, help you express who you truly are, no matter what size you happen to be. You say you hate “fat chicks”, Mike Jeffries? Well I hate discriminatory, macho, close-minded, assholes who make people feel bad about themselves.

So to my mother, I apologize for making you go through this hell when I was a teenager. To normal human beings out there … if a brand makes you feel bad about yourself when they really should be in the business of making everyone feel the best they can  … know that no one has the right to do that … NO ONE. And Mike Jeffries, you make overpriced, unoriginal crap that pushes your brand name. That’s. About. It. Take a look in the mirror and try to find Jesus or something. Men who are CEO’s of a popular clothing company, who put limitations on what kind of human being can wear their brand based on superficial reasons, clearly have something deeper inside they need to work out.

So SUCK ON THAT …. aye aye aye aye aye aye!

AND ONE MORE THING: Just because you have a model stick figure standing to greet me at your store doesn’t make me want to slap “Abercrombie” across my ass. People buy clothing because it makes them feel good and fits well, not because some gorgeous model sold it to them. And if you only buy your clothes based on how the sales associates look … well, God speed in life.

 

Top 10 Guilty Pleasures … Do You Dabble?

imagesAs I lay face down in my overflowing sea of caramel and marshmallow bunny rabbits … I can’t help but think about my guilty pleasures in life. You know … those things that may or may not be good for you, but are too satisfying to not indulge. Like … laying face down in a pile of Easter candy wrappers … not that I am … or … anything … :::coughs, wipes caramel away from corner of mouth inconspicuously:::

We all have them, we all love them … so why not chat about the things that make us feel secretly fantastic, right?

Behold ladies and the five gents that are reading this, my guilty pleasures in life, ahem …

1. Wearing Red Lipstick for No Reason: Whether I’m writing or just doing a whole lot of nothing, sometimes putting on some red lipstick turns a “blah” day into a special day. Sure, if anyone saw me randomly walking around my house by myself talking to my cat wearing red lipstick would say I’m one step away from becoming the crazed cat lady from the Simpsons … but it makes me feel good, alright?

2. Drinking Wine Whilst Eating Chocolate: If you are looking for a slice of heaven … come home from work one day, pour yourself a healthy glass of vino, get some M&Ms, or your chocolate or choice, and indulge. There truly is nothing more satisfying … well, I’m sure there is … but if you need a quick, relaxing fix … go to town on this one.

3. Laying on my Couch Watching Bravo and Drooling: This keeps me sane. When I need to tune out the world, relax, and not think, I get in my favorite sweats, plant myself on my couch and get lost in botoxed rich bitches screaming at each other. When I end up drooling, I know my mission of decompression has been completed. (Seriously how hawt am I?)

4. Instagramming Like a Bawwwwssss: Have you ever seen something really cool and said to yourself quietly, “I’m gonna Instagram the shit out that”? Oh yeah … no? Cool … me either :::Shifty eyes, backs away slowly::: Fine … my name is Kate and I’m addicted to Instagram (@LifeSucksInAStraplessBra follow along with me, please!)

5. Singing “What’s Up” By the 4 Non Blondes Really Loudly In My Car: And I said … HEEEEEEEEEY YEAAAAAA YEAAAAA YEAAAA EH EHHHH, HEEEEEEEEEEEY YEA YEAAAAAAAAA, I said HEY! AAAAA WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?! You should drive past me, I really put on a really fantastic show because I think I can sing … in my car … only.

6. Picking My Nail Polish Off: Okay, not an attractive quality, I get it … especially since doing this leaves me with crack head nails, but it is beyond satisfying, especially if you just need to zone out from stress. Of course afterwards I always say to myself, “dammit, why did I just do that!” but at the time it was worth it, that is what matters.

7. Changing Something About My Appearance: Hey remember the time I dyed my hair ombre … myself? Yeah … sometimes when I’m trying to get over something or get ridiculously bored … I get this violent urge to change something about myself. And it always makes me feel fantastic. Even if my hair doesn’t turn blonde but a weird shade of brownish-red, I consider it a win.

8. Pretending I’m A Bad Ass: Apart of me wants to hate people who wear sunglasses indoors, especially whilst shopping. Another part of me wants to slow clap them. Listen, sometimes when I go out in public I don’t want to see an-y-one. Oversized shades give me an opportunity to have a “Big Daddy” moment where I can act invisible. It is kind of genius, right? So if you see me wearing sunglasses out in public, in a store, chances are I don’t want to chat with you.

9. Pinning Before Bed: Some people say their prayers before they go to bed, I pin. Not only is it soothing … it is inspiration. I rarely know what I’m going to wear the next morning … so looking at some fab outfits gives me more time to hit snooze and less time to ponder what the hell I’m going to put on my bod.

10. Impulsively Buying Makeup At The Drugstore: Who hasn’t walked into a drugstore for tissues or tampons and found themselves in the makeup department randomly buying lip gloss or foundation. How could you not when beauty commercials leave taglines in your head like, “Get the London Look.” I’ll walk past the Rimmel London section and all of a sudden find myself saying, ummm hell YES, Georgia May Jagger, I want the London look! $50 later I have a bag full of random makeup that I don’t need and a box of tampons.

So since I spilled the beans … now I need to know … what are your guilty pleasures?

Old Clothes Should Be Cheap

Screen shot 2013-03-10 at 8.40.34 PMFor a while, I was extremely turned off by vintage clothing, and it killed me. Because no offense, I really don’t want to pay a bazillion dollars for something that was worn and torn by another person. Whenever I would walk past a vintage store, I would immediately perk up thinking I would find some hidden treasure. But after being bitch slapped by cheap, overpriced clothing that wasn’t on trend over and over again, I just didn’t have the urge to “tag pop,” as the kids are saying nowadays.

But today … I found vintage Jesus. For me, vintage clothing should be accent pieces within your wardrobe. A nice little find that can add character and spice into your every day pieces. So when I stumbled upon this fabulous store, Frugal Resale, I was pleasantly surprised to see fashion forward pieces, for beyond amazing prices. That shirt above, which is my new baby, was $7. SEVEN. DOLLARS. It is on trend, so cute, fits great, doesn’t look cheap or beaten to death, and is something really different. And did I mention it was $7?

When I saw the price points and how many truly different and literal “vintage” pieces were staring back at me, I just got this violent urge to experiment. Oh yeah … I became a vintage whore. I was looking at outlandish blouses, and colorful dresses, and awful nightmare-ish 80’s pieces that my sister made fun of me for even thinking about trying on. But I mean for the love … that is what it is all about! For $7 … you can make some questionable fashion choices for once in your life … right?

Vintage is supposed to be fun, not pretentious. You don’t shop vintage so when someone asks you where you got that shirt you can flip your hair to the side, throw on a snobish smile and say, “yeah … it’s vintage.” I mean, do me a favor and shut your face, okay?

You should want to go in there and try things on that you would normally never buy for yourself … why? Because hopefully they will be a reasonable price … and you can buy it for funsies and experiment with a new, or even, old trend. That oversized white blazer that is clearly from the 1980’s … but so works with the menswear for women movement right now? Try it on! The white button down that looks like the puffy shirt from Seinfeld but really works with the black and white spring trend? Try it on!

Have fun. Don’t be pretentious. Don’t roll your eyes at the no-name labels. And for the love of Jesus, keep an open mind! So I would like to personally thank Frugal Resale for putting the fun back in vintage shopping. I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun shopping … in all honesty.

Meet My New Obsession: Compliment.


IMG_2602I’m a firm believer in putting yourself in other people’s shoes. Why? Because you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. You think you may know … but in reality, you have no idea. Think of all the shit you keep bottled up. If only life gave us an electric yellow emotional Post-it to slap on our foreheads so we can write things like, “yeah … just broke up with boyfriend … Back. Off,” and have everyone leave us alone. ::Sigh::: But alas, it has not been invented yet.

I, for example, have been feeling a little blue these past few weeks, for reasons I will not disclose here because the electric yellow emotional Post-it has yet to be invented. But when I got my very first jewelry delivery from Compliment this week, all of a sudden it was like I got sparked back into the glorious land of unicorns, sunshine and baby kittens.

I came across Compliment and immediately was drawn to it simply because of Melissa, the founder and creative director, and her lovely skill for crafting handmade (no two pieces are exactly the same) fashion-forward jewelry, as well as her theory that, “sometimes people around us could use a boost … something to uplift. Something to build them up. One easy way is to give them a sincere compliment.”

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So I opened my little brown Compliment box only to find a beautiful piece of jewelry accompanied by a simple typed note stating, “You Are Marvelous.” Each box had a different compliment, and each one put a bigger smile on my face. Why? Because it was something special, something different, something so unexpected, yet uplifting. It is very easy to go buy a friend in need a card, bottle of wine, even a piece of jewelry from his/her fav store. But to send them something original from Compliment with a short and sweet note letting them know how fantastic they are … well, that is the right kind of medicine to help anyone in need.

Nowadays everything is so damn competitive and literally at an 11 at all times. I swear I blame the reality TV :::shaking fist::: Everyone is yelling, at each other’s throats, talking shit, spreading rumors … OY. Enough … instead, acknowledge a friend/family member/co-worker/ frenemy in need and send them a little something with a reminder that everything is okay. That they are bad ass and important in this world. Acknowledge them … because sometimes that is all it takes. A little something special and a nod that they are recognized.

So I insist you check out Compliment. I’m a sucker for fantastic packaging … and this rocks. I’m also a huge fan of the punctuation in the names of the jewelry. Period. Seriously. So thank you to Compliment and Melissa for making my blues fade away a bit!

And you know what … I am marvelous … dammit!

For more information on Compliment, tweet them @ShopCompliment or visit their website!

We Did It!

I just want to congratulate all my readers, for yes, it has happened. We have survived the holiday season! I consider Christmas Eve to be like the finish line of a month of bleeding our bank accounts dry. I really just envision myself running through a finish line in my winter coat with bags upon bags in my hand as people pour vodka all over me.

But Christmas Eve can be a tricky day. All of a sudden you are looking at all the stuff you bought for people, and clearly the crazy starts setting in, and it is not enough. You immediately feel the urge to run to the mall to buy useless nonsense that isn’t necessary just for the sake of giving that special someone more shit to open. Here are some words of wisdom, ahem: Less is more. Stop yo’ self. If you really think underneath your tree is bare, well then … I dunno wrap some empty boxes or something. But don’t go all cray cray at the mall today. Do you really want to be that guy fighting through the crowds of zombies returning stuff on December 26? I think not.

Dress wise, I usually go comfy on Christmas Eve for our open house, with LOTS of sequins of course, but the real important outfit are the PJs you wear for Santa. I know some families who have a tradition of getting Christmas PJs to wear on Christmas Eve, and my family is one of them. Literally my mom, sister and I will all be wearing the same red polka-dotted sleep pants tonight.

Anywho, I just needed to congratulate my fantastic readers on completing one of the most intense shopping months of the year. We did it, guys, we did it!

Santa Claus is comin’ to town!

 

A Few Words On Black Friday

I literally couldn’t bring myself to go to a mall today. I absolutely needed to, but couldn’t do it. Why? Well, plain and simple I was scared of sale freaks. The freaks that sat in tents on Thanksgiving weekend outside of malls all over the United States to get the greatest deals. I apologize if you were one of those people, but that kind of behavior freaks me out. Don’t get me wrong, I die for a good deal myself … but not when I am in a full-blown food coma … AND A Very Gaga Thanksgiving was on (Ps. that was ABSOLUTELY fantastic, watch it if you didn’t!)

So here are my top five reasons for me being over joyed that Black Friday is almost over. Now we can just go back to normal, holiday shopping chaos … thank the Gods.

1. No More God Awful, Annoying Ads: Okay, maybe some of them were creative and fantastic, like the Target ads … very well done Target. That woman in red, pretty much making fun of every crazed, pill popping Black Friday shopper was genius. Kohl’s on the other hand. Every time I heard your rendition of “It’s Black Friday, Black Friday, Black Friday” by that annoying so and so from YouTube made me want to punt my television slash radio EVERY single time it came on. Seriously, my ears bled. The next time I heard that ad would be too soon. Die.

2. Black Friday Myths: I literally don’t go to stores because of hearing stories that people heard from people who heard from other people, perhaps I’m a fool for doing so. “Oh my God, Jody told me that when she was at the Gap, this woman jumped on one of the sweater tables and started throwing sweaters up in the air because they were buy 2, get one free … but they didn’t have any sizes left.” Seriously, I bet the mall isn’t THAT bad, but people hype it up so much that you don’t even want to go near the place. Hell, I don’t even want to be in the same city. I’m thinking because of nonsense like this, stores may or may not have lost money … just sayin’.

3. Black Friday Crack: It is like when the turkey and stuffing kind of digests … crack starts flowing through the veins of the American public and starts making them crazed. I really don’t know what it is. Perhaps people at the turkey farms inject crack into the turkeys, so when we eat them, we get the crack in our systems that makes us want to punch people and be extremely rude the minute we enter a store. Settle people, the nonsense you are looking for will be there … it always has been. Perhaps it just won’t have 2 God damn dollars off though. I mean for the love …

4. The Juice Might Not Be Worth The Squeeze: People hear “sale” and they immediately think, holy lord, if I don’t get this one item for this price, I will most certainly spontaneously combust. Here’s my rule, unless it is at least 50% off and there is a guarantee that I won’t have to body slam some other shopper to get the last one, than hell yes I will go and purchase it. Otherwise, my bed is calling … sorry sale. You lose, you always do.

5. Greedy, Evil Shoppers: I hate people, especially people in stores and malls in general. You know the ones in a crowded aisle when you have a cart, and there is a cart traffic jam and they have to huff and puff while saying, “UM, EXCUSE ME,” in the sharpest, most evil spirited way possible, while you move and they give you a look that could probably kill. So therefore, when they get the turkey crack and fiend for sales like a vampire fiends for human blood … I want to be nowhere near these crazy bastards. It disturbs me that people ACTUALLY get physically hurt from Black Friday shopping due to crazy bitches going nuts over getting that ONE item for their kid. There are herds of people, you get pushed, shoved, oxygen levels are low, it is hotter than hell … and so on, I could honestly go on for days. It is all nonsense, seriously … there is no reason to treat people with disrespect in general, let alone over a silly sale!

So there it is … good riddens one day of the year that makes people with money in their pockets go bonkers. Me, on the other hand, I enjoyed sleeping in my bed all day … ha ha.