Flip Flops … Yawn.

flip-flop-for-the-fischers-001I don’t think I’ve invested in a pair of flip flops since I was in college, and they were used strictly for shower shoes. Now I know, people will contest that a pair of flip flops defines summer and is a staple that every woman should have. To comment back on that statement, all I have for you is a big ol’ drawn out yawn. I know. I’m a freak.

There’s a reason why I haven’t purchased flip flops in :::mumbles::: years. They straight up bore me to death. And the sound they make when you walk is ridiculously annoying. Nothing makes me want to take a nap more than standing at the “wall of flip flops” at Old Navy as women excitedly snatch up every color of the rainbow. How do you choose a color?! Seriously. All you have to work with is a color, since, really, there is nothing much more to them, and quite frankly I don’t want to stand there having an anxiety attack over what color blue to buy. And then I realize I loathe color and call the whole thing off.

Unfortunately I find myself in a predicament where I need to invest in a pair of flops :::sigh::: In 2 weeks I will be going off the grid in an attempt to relax on vacation. So I’m trying to make that week as stress-free as possible. If I’m running to the beach, need to take the dog out, want to go drunkenly dance somewhere other than my rental house, a pair of flops sounds like a good idea instead of spending time putting my gladiators on (although I covet them). But can I tell you, my search for a cool pair of flops has been nothing but an annoyance.

All of them are so basic, or have some weird ugly design or have a 3 inch platform, or say some awful shit like “Hottie!”, or are waaaaaaaay over priced, again, for a thing of rubber on my feet I’m using to walk on (Havaianas, I’m looking at you). If I’m going to spend $45, I’m going to buy a pair of gladiators, not some yawn-worthy pair of flops I will probably end up burning by the end of summer. I’ve literally scoured all of ShopStyle.com and every other “trendy” site for an outlandishly cool pair of flops for a decent price, and they cannot be found. Like can a sister get a pair of flops with studs or skulls on them, or something?!

True, my search wasn’t a total bust. ModCloth is on their game with cool flops, but alas, my size was out of stock in all of the flops I desired. Besides that, the only other ones I fell head over heels for, of course, were the Valentino rockstud PVC thong sandal. Literally drool-worthy. But if I won’t spend $45 on a pair of flops, I sure as balls won’t be spending $295. Seriously, like I know you’re Valentino and all, but come now. They are damn flop flops.

I’m torn on what to do and running out of time to make a decision. Do I cave and just buy the most basic flop I can find, and deal with the yawning and bordem, or do I stick to my guns and just continue to rock gladiators to the beach … which, I imagine, will be uber annoying. Or who knows, maybe I’ll become one with nature and not wear any shoes. OR, become a total princess and wear heels to the beach. What do you think?

Listen, if you know of a place were I can find a sweet pair of flops that won’t drain my bank account, send that info my way as soon as humanly possibly. Until then, my search continues.

Yawn.

Flats on Flats on Flats

Nicky_Hilton-01-fullI hate winter. Die Polar Vortex. Down with the chill. Etc. Etc. Blah, blah, I’m cold.

I’m over talking about winter. Really, I am. But you know what I’m NOT over talking about? Spring and my soon-to-be established spring wardrobe. I literally broke out in a sweat when I heard it was going to be 60 degrees this week because I’ve been existing in bulky sweaters. Hell, I’ve been so layered I almost forgot I had taas.

Starting a new seasonal wardrobe is not only intimidating, it’s overwhelming. I need skirts, and tops, and oh my Gawd are they really going to make me wear crop tops this season?! And so on and so forth. So I like to keep it simple and fun when starting this process. Lucky for me this week while on a hunt on the interwebs to find something that would make me happy, I found flat mecca, also known as the ModCloth shoe section.

If I could only use one website, besides Gmail, Twitter and Facebook (I feel like they don’t count), I would absolutely take ShopStyle.com and run. If you’ve never used it, I’m about to ba-low ya mind. So say you are in the market for purple polka dotted tights (I have no idea where this example came from), and you didn’t feel like visiting a million and five websites to find said tights. Well, my friends, you hop to ShopStyle, type in “purple polka dotted tights,” and boom! There ya have it. Millions of options. The only thing that bums me out when I use this tool is when I forget to set my price limits and the first thing that pops up is like this to-die-for Celine handbag that I THINK I can afford, but alas, can’t. This girl lives in the $1-$100 range on ShopStyle. Whomp. Whomp.

Anywho, I realized my black flats needed to be retired (I mean I was coloring them in with a black Sharpie … it was time to go), so I went to ShopStyle and typed in “black flats” and henceforth found shoe mecca on ModCloth. Not only are these styles affordable, they are different and not in a hipster, trendy, “I’m too cool for oxygen” kind of way. I literally was salivating and had to stop myself from buying 10 pairs. Why not heels you ask? Because I work in the city, and unfortunately had to give up my four-inch heel obsession for a bit, as my tootsies couldn’t handle it. Anyways we are talking flats here, duh!

So in an effort to ignite spring wardrobes all over the country, I give you my favorite pairs of flats from ModCloth. All affordable … and all will be mine … one day. Don’t they make you just want to frolic?

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Teach Me How To Online Shop

Okay, so some people want to learn how to “Dougie.” Me … well … I want to learn how to successfully shop online.

I come across like a girl who can online shop her ass off, I know I do. But I’m afraid, friends that it is all a sick allusion. What I lack in online shopping skills, I more than make up for in actual in-store shopping, so at least I have that going for me.

With one click of a browser button, we literally have the world’s largest mall at our finger tips. Anything you could ever fathom or want is right there, it is just a matter of finding it. I remember when I was little I would think of these crazy outfits in my head and would get so frustrated because I couldn’t find them anywhere. And hell, let’s be honest, I still think of these grandiose, perfect outfits that don’t exist. But online shopping makes them a reality … a reality that for some reason I cannot pull the trigger on.

So I was looking for a specific dress. I designed it in my head and decided to take the time and scour the Internet looking for it. It was cotton, quarter length sleeves, either v-neck or boat neck, just not turtle neck or scoop neck, color was flexible, length was to my knee and it couldn’t be too tight. You know, not specific or anything at all. But fantastic websites like Shopstyle.com and ASOS.com make dresses like the one I dreamed up very easy to find. You can specify price, color, size, make … I mean the options are endless. And even though I was specially looking for something, I wanted to keep an open mind. If I was going to successfully online shop, I was going to give it my a-game.

ASOS.com, for example, had pages and pages AND PAGES of dresses. Any kind of style, shape, color, size, if you were pregnant, curvy, petite, there was something for you. They even had a video of a model walking the runway wearing the dress so you could see how it moved. I spent what felt like hours on here, throwing stuff in my cart, some for realsies, some for funsies. And then, after I decided I wasted  enough of my life on this site, I checked out my cart.

I don’t know what it was, perhaps that I was dealing with a fake cart with pictures of potential items I had never touched within it, but it was ridiculously easy for me to be like, “eh, I don’t need it.” “Who do I think I am trying to rock this.” “Honestly, that color would never work.” But here is the thing. When I shop at Forever 21, probably 63% (I know that is a random number, but it is 95.6% accurate) of the stuff I try on is for “funsies” and I usually end up liking a lot of it. Or I’ll have too much in the “yes” pile and find myself constructing crazy reasons for me to buy all of it … which usually works. “This makes me look super skinny, SOLD.” “I can totally wear this leather skirt to work, with a tasteful cardigan of course.” But here I am, all of this stuff in my fake online cart, and I toss EVERYTHING. After all of that time shopping online, I walked away empty-handed. Awful. Who gets shoppers remorse whilst online shopping? This guy.

My issue is that I see more cons than pros with this form of shopping. Yes, I have a sea of options in my size and everything, but it is almost overwhelming. So when it comes down to it, here is why I can’t online shop.

1. I have Varuka Sault disease … meaning I want it NOW DADDY! Uh huh … I don’t want to wait 5 business days to get my goods. And quite frankly I’m too cheap to pay for express shipping. If I’m shelling out dollah dollah bills, I want the product in front of me instantaneously. Hey Bill Gates, why don’t you make a computer that can print out Forever 21 clothes … hmmm new invention much?  You’re welcome.

2. I hate not knowing what I’m getting. Sure, I can look at their measurement chart and figure out the right size, but the fabric could be shit, the cut could be all wrong, the color, which looked like a normal blue, could, in reality, look like an electric, neon, cracked out blue. Honestly, after waiting for something, getting it and then realizing it is insanely ugly is a big risk for me, for anyone. What a let down. I’m in advertising, okay … I know the sneaky tricks of making something heinous looking look like it was birthed from Lagerfeld himself. You aren’t fooling me, no sir.

3. Like I said, because it isn’t in front of me, I become seduced by shoppers remorse. All of a sudden I don’t need those 15 shirts because staring at a picture of some hot model rocking it isn’t stopping me  front thinking, “hmm … I could just wait a day and go to the mall and find exactly what I’m looking for.” CLICK, CLICK … DELETED.

So at the end of the day, the only time I successfully online shop is when I find something in the store that I love so much I would sell myself on the black market to own and it isn’t in my size. Then I run to my computer and purchase. Or during Christmas time, because bitches be crazy in the mall during this time and I want NOTHING to do with that section of existence.

True, having clothes or accessories come in the mail is a really fun treat to have to look forward to. But in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I can’t online shop, shopping is my cardio.” Word, Bradshaw, word.