Vogue: The New Debbie Downer

debbie-downerNothing makes me pee my pants laughing more than the Debbie Downer skit on SNL. Specifically the episode with Lindsay Lohan where everyone in the skit can’t control their laughter. If you don’t know what I’m referring to, well :::sigh::: shame on you, but let me dazzle you with this, you’re welcome in advance: http://vimeo.com/41787619

I came home from work yesterday to find myself hot, tired, and needing a little escape. Enter Vogue, stage right. Now I have notoriously expensive taste. I can’t help it. I’ve tried, I’ve really tried, but it is in my genes. I want to thank my mother for this one, because the apple doesn’t fall far. So yeah … thanks Mom. But as I poured myself a glass of wine, snuggled in on my couch and started to dive face first into the land of Vogue, I realized something. If you are an average gal like me, makin’ money, but nothing close to Beyonce money, with a taste for the finer things in life, but live on a tight budget … Vogue is the new Debbie Downer. Yep. There. I said it.

“When you’re enjoying your day, everything’s goin’ your way … then along comes Debbie Downer. Always there to tell you about a new disease, a car accident or killer bees. You’ll beg her to spare you, DEBBIE PLEASE! But you can’t stop Debbie Downer! :::WHOMP WHOMP:::”

So this is what was going on in my head as I thumbed through Vogue last night:

Me: OMG that bag is to die for. Seriously. My heart … It’s the perfect color, size, everything. It is exactly what I have been look forward. THANK JESUS! That’s it … I need it. How much could it POSSIBLY be?
Debbie Downer: The bag is Balenciaga … and it is $5,000 … WHOMP WHOMP If you buy it then you’ll most likely end up not being able to pay your rent and living in a van down by the river. And you know what they say, where there are rivers … there are snakes.
Me: :::Heart breaking, fiercely flips page:::

Debbie_Downer

Me: Now look at that dress. That is a dress that every woman needs. It is classic, it is the right length … it’s timeless. This is totally an investment I could make. Oh please be in my price range, please be in my price range :::crossing fingers:::
Debbie Downer: The dress is made by Chanel … and it is so expensive you have to call someone to find out the price. Probably because it is so expensive you will go into cardiac arrest.

SNL_1350_09_Debbie_Downer

Me: Those shoes are everything. EVERYTHING. I would wear them everywhere. I would kiss them every day. I could think of 15 outfits I could pair them with. I could make it work financially … perhaps I’ll sell my blood? Ehh?!
Debbie Downer: Whoa, whoa, whoa … slow down there, Sally, these shoes are Valentino and only Kim Kardashian can afford to buy them like they are pairs of Keds.

SNL_1376_03_Debbie_Downer

Ugh. I literally punted the magazine after I was done torturing myself. Now I’m not stupid. I know Vogue only shows high fashion pieces of clothing and high fashion accessories. I get it, I get it. But just ONCE. ONCE I would like to instantaneously fall in love with a garment on the pages of Vogue and actually and realistically be able to purchase it without hearing this sound.

Hiss … DEBBIE DOWNER …hiss :::shaking fist:::

Get Your Sexy On … Or Not

I may be the most non-sexy person on the planet. And I’m not saying that in an attempt to gain compliments, I’m being 100% factual. And you know what, I’m okay with that.

In life, there are the Scarlett Johansson’s of the world, and then there are the Tina Fey’s (ps. let me make this clear, Tina Fey is my girl. My dream is to one day wear matching PJ’s with sheep on them and nerd out in front of a table filled with delicious junk food and 30 Rock reruns with her. Tina, if you are reading this, first of all OMG Tina Fey is reading my blog, second of all … we’re both Philly girls, we both love junk food, we both adore writing, I mean why AREN’T we best friends should be the question at hand here). Expressing my admiration for Tina Fey … complete.

And if you are anything like me, when you are around a Scarlett Johansson-type woman, you feel this insane pressure to up the sexy ante, if you will. Am I right? You see how seamlessly they bring the boys to the yard just by sitting there and ordering a vodka and club, and maybe giggling here and there. All of a sudden you start to think, hell … I CAN DO THAT!

Wrong. Stop it. No you can’t.

But alas, you will try … and most likely fail. Behold, how you will try and fail at being sexy told by some of my all-time favorite ladies in the whole entire world that I absolutely idolize:

1. You decide after dinner to indulge in a little intellectual convo. Men love smart women. Smart is sexy. You put your fork down and start hitting all the important points. You sip on your wine, flip your hair back like the perfect gust of wind has just graced your presence when … something doesn’t feel right:et3o22

2. You hear attracting things to your mouth intrigues men, so you start applying lip gloss slowly. You roll the applicator over your pouty lips. You think your lip gloss is poppin’ and that everyone in the bar is ready and waiting to make out with you but instead … 40038926

3. You see the guy across the table from you cracking really bad jokes. When the Scarlett Johansson of the group laughs, every one of her perfect teeth sparkle, her smile brightens up the entire room. Angels cry with happiness. She looks like she should be the “after” in a Crest White Strips commercial. So you go for it, you laugh at the idiotic jokes, you feel the sexy protruding from your inner being … when maybe you’ve gone a little too far … http___makeagif.com__media_9-06-2013_8Kf_bL4. Alright, now it is time to bring it to the dance floor. If there is one thing you know how to do, it is bust a move. You start moving like a backup dancer for Britney Spears, flipping your hair back and forth like Cher is trying to possess you, waiting patiently for the swarm of eligible bachelors to start fighting for your attention when in reality …

KristinWiigDancingGif45. Screw dancing, who needs that when you can sip your drink seductively. You slowly bring the straw to your pouty lips, playfully biting it until you decide to take a big sip when

What I’m saying is sexy can’t be learned. You either gots it or you don’t. I’ve embraced the fact that I’ll never be this: scarlett-johansson

But instead a whole lot of fantastic this: SNL-saturday-night-live-388968_384_288