Simmer Down, Spring Freaks

cat_with_flower_wreathHoly lord, it isn’t negative 2 degrees outside! What the WHAT?!

You know when you wear something for too long and you are so sick of it you want to set fire to it (No? ? Just me?). Well that is how I feel with my Northface parka. While I know I’m fortunate to have it, and probably sound like a huge brat for saying this, that shit is getting donated next year to someone who will appreciate it more, because I loathe it. It’s ugly and I hate it (bonus points if you know what brilliant movie I pulled that quote from). We’ve spent too much “quality” time together and I want to punt it in its stupid coat face.

And that is what I did yesterday when I looked at the weather on my iPhone and saw that it was going to be in the mid-50’s all week (not really, it is still hanging perfectly on my coat rack). While I was dusting off my myriads of other beloved coats for days that don’t feel like the cold breath of death, other people in the city had, well, a different plan.

Apparently mid-50’s means whipping out shorts, tank tops, and Rainbow flip flops. I clearly didn’t get the memo. I get it, this winter was a bitch. It was “take your breath away cold” every freaking day, and the first hint of spring mine as well be a shot of vodka for people. You just want to drink it all in because it’s so good once it hits your lips. You want to say, “fuck it,” and open those vacuumed sealed bags of all your summer shit and throw your inhibitions to the wind. I really do understand where you’re coming from. But … you’re crazytown. Straight up.

While I would love nothing more than to throw on a maxi dress, a pair of gladiator sandals and walk around pondering what restaurant I want to sit outside at without wanting to pee my pants because it is so frigid, I’m not ready. Ladies need to do some thangs before one is prepared to indulge in springtime shenanigans. Am I right?

1. Shave your legs: Yeah … I mean it isn’t like I’m a wooly beast underneath my skinnies, but I will be the first to say I do a half ass job at it during the winter. I’ll focus on my ankles, because they MAY make an appearance, but everything else is kind of meh. I’ll go days without doing it (hey gents, aren’t I a catch?!) because I don’t care and trick myself into thinking that the extra hair keeps me warm. I know I’m wrong, but so what?! A good ol’ fashioned leg shaving, ankles to upper thighs, needs to commence before anyone sees any of my short shorts that I don’t own.

2. Pedicures: I’ve given up trying to keep my toes painted in the winter. What is the point? I just shove them into pairs of socks which then get shoved into over-the-knee boots. Who cares? My toes don’t see the light of day in the winter (nothing is worse than cold toes). And unpainted toes SKEEVE. ME. OUT. So you can only imagine the condition my feet are in. I won’t go in to details because I HATE feet (I mean I do the general maintenance, I’m not that much of a beast), but still. Mama needs a pedicure.

3. Spray tan: Nothing is worse when you go from wearing layers on layers on layers to a thin cotton dress, exposing skin that hasn’t seen the light of day in MONTHS. I always feel like I’m walking around naked the first time I wear a dress sans stockings the first time in the spring. It’s heinous. So to take the edge off, giving your skin a little TLC just might be what the doctor ordered. Moisturizing all your nooks and crannies, exfoliating, and dragging your ass to get a proper spray tan will make the transition a little less weird. I’m not talking about a Kim Kardashian spray tan, but just a little tiny peck from the sun is what I’m about.

So while I’m applauding this warmer weather, I am secretly judging you if I see you strutting around in shorts and Rainbow flip flops. Simmer down. Seriously. Now if you will excuse me, I’m for realsington (seriously are you guys watching the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt because if not you should be), going to punt my Northface parka in its coat face.

The Face Of Cabin Fever

abominable-snowman-520169There’s really nothing else to say but … screw winter and its stupid face.

I used to totally adore a good snow storm, but you know what, I’m over it. I’m over sitting on my couch, eating snacks and watching Will & Grace marathons. I’m over trying to make sweatpants look fancy. I’m over deciding if I should actually do my hair or if I should attempt and fail miserably at a “sock bun” look, only to end up throwing it up in a hot mess bun. I’m done.

The thought of spring used to send chills down my spine. I loathed it. That awful feeling you get when you rock a dress sans tights for the first time and I have to come face-to-face with your dry, pasty skin. Woof. Not to mention you have to have reality bitch slap you as you peel off the wool sweaters and layers only to see that you gained a solid 10 extra pounds. Cool. But you know what, I’ll take it over this nonsense we are dealing with now.

Now if you are anything like me, self diagnosed with cabin fever, you are sitting on your couch, losing your mind, pondering when it is an appropriate time to have your first cocktail, and feverishly wondering why your cat won’t talk back to you, for the love. Oh wait … that’s just me. Oops …

So in honor of my sweet sweet frozen denial, let’s look at all the awesome spring fashion we have to look forward to as I pretend I’m chillin’ with spider monkey’s in St. Barts (if you know what movie I just referenced there … we are officially best friends).








 Derek Lam


 Calvin Kleinelle-calvin-klein-spring-2014-rtw-04-de-xln



Confession Of A Girl In A Rush

Okay, so in the morning, we all do a lot of crazed things for the sake of getting from A to B on time and in one piece. For example, I set my alarm for 6:40, but snooze and do not get out of bed sometimes until 7:30 … I know, crazytown. I consider that half hour and some change my chance to wake up.

But those extra snoozes lead me to rush and become frazzled and forgetful, making me do crazed thinks like put deodorant in the car while I’m driving, take my allergy medicine while I’m driving, answer emails and texts … NOT … while I’m driving … for any police authorities that may be reading. You know what, just steer clear of me driving in the morning, but that is neither here nor that.

But regardless, today I woke up, reviewed the weather and realized that it was going to be 70 degrees and sunny. Mortified at how pale my legs were, I still decided to expose them to natural sunlight and wear a dress to work. I don’t know about you but the first time I wear a dress to work sans stockings I feel a little, you know, slutty? It fades within hours, but every year, I’m always paranoid about the skank factor. But again, neither here nor there.

So I dusted off my most tasteful midseason dress and realized I could wear my open toed booties with it, which made me ecstatic because I covet them. So I got dressed, put them on and realized my toes were not painted, cue fail horn from the Price is Right. First thing is first. I hate feet. I hate what shoes and stilettos do to our feet, I just loathe them. But I do love getting massaged, so I treat myself to pedicures every so often. But again, just like how I get the skank factor when I don’t wear stockings for the first time, the first time I rock sandals or open toed shoes is just as weird. D0n’t ask me why, it just is.

So my toes were not pained, they were kept but not painted, the thought of not wearing nail polish on my toes bothered me, but I could not pass up this opportunity to rock my fav pair of booties. So what did I do? I literally was at the point in my morning where I knew if I didn’t get my ass in my car in the next 5 minutes, I was going to be obnoxiously late to work. So, and as embarrassing as this is, I kept my booties on and only painted the first 3 toes that were exposed. I did a lovely job too, for what it is worth.

All the way to work I kept thinking about what a freaking hill billy I was for doing that, but also how it is kind of genius. I mean no one would EVER know, unless you have a really super annoying co-worker that tracks and observes your every God damn move, but if they notice something like this you MAY want to consider a restraining order or a little chat with HR, just saying.

But if you are in a rush, need to rock a certain pair of shoes, don’t have the time to give yourself a proper pedicure, what is wrong with slapping on a quick coat of cute color? Even saying that statement I again thought about what a hill billy I sound like, but honestly, girls do dire things in a time crunch, especially when you don’t want to give up hope on busting out your favorite spring shoes. And this was probably the most hysterical one I’ve done to date. I mean I’ve applied blush and makeup in the car and had people next to me look like I was freaking insane, I’ve plucked my eye brows minutes before walking out the door … you name it and in a time crunch I’ve done it.

So if you’ve ever considered doing this but thought to yourself, “dear God, how white trash of me,” and just worn another pair of shoes, never fear, I broke that mold, so go for it girls. Hill Billy is the new black, you heard it here first.