Wind Back Wednesday: Steve Madden Platforms

adv_0978I randomly stumbled upon a cassette tape, yes a cassette tape, of the epic album, No Strings Attached, by the talented band once known as N’SYNC. It’s funny, I can’t remember what I did yesterday, but I sure do know every lyric to “Digital Get Down.”

But finding that cassette tape not only made me feel ridiculously old, but it sent me down memory lane to a simpler time when I was 13. When IMing my crush was the biggest drama I had in my life. When rushing only happened after school so I didn’t miss a drop of TRL (Carson Daily, swoon). And when my mother should have probably owned stock in Steve Madden shoes since I was obsessed.

When I was 13, it was 2000, and every girl had these Steve Maddens:

41RCHUDzCVLOh come now, you know you had a pair, too. You either got the two inch platforms, or the four inch … I always wanted the four but being a 13-year-old who was already 5’8, I decided it was a bad idea since all the boys I liked were hardly pushing five feet. And the Steve Madden logo on the back of the shoe ALWAYS fell off … ALWAYS, leading me to have to super glue it back on so people knew they were legit Steve Maddens. It was a BIG to do.

But those white platforms were my Steve Madden gateway drug. I couldn’t stop after that. When I finally got a computer AND the interwebs (which was AOL, clearly … hi, I’m old), I would stalk the Steve Madden website for new styles, and drool over them whilst walking through Macy’s. And some how my mom was crazy enough to buy me the styles I wanted … which looking back were HEI-NOUS. No, beyond heinous. I don’t know who I thought I was … just kidding, I know who I thought I was … Britney Spears … duh.

Seriously though, each pair my mom bought me had a three plus inch platform, and I’m pretty sure were made for the sole purpose of strippers using them whilst working the pole. But I coveted them like they were Manolo Blahniks. I would line them up perfectly in my closet and drag my fingers over them lightly, humming and daydreaming. I never REALLY wore them, though because like I said, I was a 13-year-old who was 5’8 … hence if I DID wear them I turned into gangly gigantor with a palate expander and braces. So basically I wore them in my room or in my basement trying to learn the moves to the new Britney Spears video. Yep. Enjoy that visual.

I wish I could find pictures of the sweet platforms I once owned, but alas the interwebs must have banned them due to their ugliness, for I could not find a drop of evidence that they even existed. I’ll leave you with this visual, though: White patent leather with a black four inch sole. Boom.

What Is Your HMHL? (Hot Mess Hobo Look)

carrie-bradhsaw-hot-messExcuse me while I lay flat on my bed in a coma drooling on myself, thanking the Gods from the bottom of my heart and soul that the damn holidays are over. Good. Lord. I can literally hear my body saying to me,  “Hey! You! Yeah … you! You made me gain 10 lbs, I’m dehydrated to shit, and I just had to talk your liver into not fleeing your body to a safe haven … hope we made some healthy resolutions, lady!”

If I did resolutions, which I don’t, it would be to give it a rest … for a while, at least. Literally. I’m placing my five-inch stilettos, short shorts, tights, and everything else uncomfortable I own gently in my closet and letting them collect some dust. In the meantime, I’m adopting my HMHL. What is that you ask? Let me explain …

Hot Mess Hobo Look. Yep. I’m not talking about the cute sweatpants from Alternative Apparel with the matching hoodie. Or the low-rise Juicy sweats that may be made of cotton but are such a damn chore to wear. I’m talking about the clothes you wear when no one is around … like no one. No friends, family, significant others. Okay, maybe your cat … but that is it. Here is how you accomplish said look …

1. Don’t shower. Just don’t. Wake up in the morning NOT feeling like P. Diddy and don’t shower.

2. Throw hair up in messy, non-cute bun. That’s right … no sock buns, no fancy buns that involve bobby pins … I’m talkin’ on the top of your hair with pieces of hair going to and fro … yo. And it’s okay … your hair can be greasy. Remember, NO SHOWERING!

3. No makeup. Or if you are so lazy (which is the point of all of this), you’ll have black under your eyes from mascara residue. But that’s it. Blemishes come out to play … all day. Lips might be chapped, you’ll have bags under your eyes … it ain’t pretty. But ladies, our skin needs to breathe sometimes.

4. Rock a pair of sweats that only your cat should see. This would be the pair of sweats that are so damn comfy you want to staple them to your ass, but at the same time are so ugly it could make a unicorn cry. Mine happen to be a gray pair of Steve Madden (yes, I know), cotton sweats that no longer have a string to make them tighter since it got so knotted and I’m too lazy to fix it. And since the string is gone, they shimmy down when I walk, giving you an 87% chance to see my undies when I walk. They are also super thin since I wear them like all the time and may or may not have holes in them.

5. Sweatshirt of some kind. I’m not a fan of sweatshirts, I retired them all when I graduated college … my go-to happens to be a sweatshirt-like shirt that looks like it has bleach stains all over it, but really the bleach stains were strategically placed there. Doesn’t need to match, the only focus is on comfort. Oh yeah, and it is gray to match my hole-ridden, ass showing Steve Madden GRAY pants. Mmm hmm I look super hot. Come and get me, boys.

6. Infinity scarf. I enjoy living in my American Apparel infinity scarves in the winter because I can wrap my entire body in them and they are warm. No jewelry is allowed in this look, so I consider this my hobo-chic accessory.

7. Socks/Slippers. For example right now … I’m wearing mismatching socks. Not only that, but one ankle sock and one knee-high. Why? Because I don’t care and just need to be warm. And I do own a pair of furry tan slippers from Target that go to my mid-calf and if I could find them I would so wear them right now. They really are the icing of my weird gray jump suit HMHL.

… and that is about it, my friends. Park your ass on the couch and in the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, lay like broccoli. No one will see you, no one will judge, no one will be there to care. The goal is to be so comfortable yet look like the bird lady from Home Alone 2.

I learned the art of my HMHL from my mother who literally doesn’t have one article of comfy clothing that doesn’t have a hole or bleach stain on it. And not the kind of bleach stain that was strategically placed there … I mean the kind you get from cleaning the shit out of the kitchen. And she likes it like that. Wanna know why? Because nothing is better in life than seasoned comfy clothes.

What is your HMHL?

Shoe Match Game – Can You Tell The Difference?

Jeffrey Campbell might be one of my favorite shoe designers right now. His innovative eye, color palette and designs are nothing like anyone has ever seen before. Sure, I might not actually walk around in his shoes because, well … I’m not so sure that I could, but staring at them and trying them on for “funsies” on a Saturday afternoon warms my heart. I have a sweet spot for really eclectic designs and he takes the cake.

From the huge, chunky wooden heels with the glittery shoes, to the skate shoes, to the ridiculous disco platforms, to the studded paint splattered etched heels … I’m in love. In the world of shoes, Louboutin would be the classy, snobby, popular, rich, bitchy, proper girl in your class who was friends with everyone while Jeffrey Campbell would be the freaky, outlandish, dark, eclectic artsy girl who had 40 different hair colors throughout the week that everyone made fun of but secretly wanted to be.

So this past Saturday I went to go say hi to all the beautiful Jeffrey Campbell’s and I was a bit shocked when I saw that they had moved. I saw the eye-popping colors, the chunky wooden heels and I said to myself, “why are you guys now with all of the hooker heels?” As I picked them up to investigate further I notice … A STEVE MADDEN TAG?! WHAT?!?!

Okay so after I regained composure, I couldn’t help but still feel infuriated. I have strutted my stuff in Steve Madden’s since I bought my first pair of white, platform sneakers back in 1999 (oh yeah, you know you owned a pair too, don’t judge). I have NO issue with Steve Madden, in fact he is my go-to for a great, simple heel or boot. BUT … why is he literally making almost exact replicas of a Jeffrey Campbell shoe!? Certain things should be left alone Steve … seriously. What’s next, huh? Are you going to paint the soles of your heels a shade off red?

I get it, trends trickle down the clothes line so average ladies and gents can get runway looks without breaking the bank. Forever 21 takes expensive looks and makes them beyond affordable for literally everyone. But what I don’t understand is that Jeffrey Campbell’s are a bit pricey, but nothing astronomical, mostly in the $100-$200 range. And Steve Madden’s, depending on what sector of Steve Madden you purchase, are around the same price. So it isn’t like he is making the Jeffrey Campbell look more affordable, to me it looks like the exact same color concept and shape with a few differences here and there.

And didn’t Alexander McQueen AND Balenciaga both sue Steve Madden in 2009 over him selling shoes that looked exactly like designs from both fashion houses? Mmm hmm, enough said. I hate to blow up Steve’s spot, because again … he has lived in my closet for years and still does, he makes a quality shoe for crying out loud. But like I said, I love eclectic, one-of-a-kind designs … and those like Jeffrey Campbell’s should be kept sacred.

Just sayin’.