My Personal Hell: Crop Tops

CaptureHmm … where do I begin.

I think we can all agree that this summer has been nothing but a big ol’ pain in the ass. Heat wave after heat wave, ridiculous storms that come out of nowhere, always looking like a sweaty hot mess … I’ve had just about enough. And when I thought my irritation levels couldn’t possibly get any higher … crop tops came into my life. Literally, every cute top I’ve seen this summer is a damn crop top. It is such a shirt tease. You see it folded and get all bright-eyed like, “yes … perfect color, perfect pattern, perfect everything … SHIRT HEAVEN ::::twirling around with said shirt in hand::::!” Only to pick it up and start noticing half the fabric is gone … which makes you want to punt the sad excuse of fabric across the room.

Apparently everybody’s doing it, though. I saw Jennifer Lawrence wearing a tribal print crop top … so I went out and bought a tribal print crop top (if you get that reference, I officially adore you) … and then I put on said crop top and realized, holy shit, self … you don’t have a trainer, NOR do you work out … henceforth you have NO right to be wearing this.

:::::And scene::::

No seriously … whomever said crop tops are a “thing” this season should get a serious talking to. Because, in my eyes, the only people who can appropriately and righteously rock them are A. teeny boppers, tweens, teens, you know … “kids” these days and B. insanely ripped individuals who live for working out and consider their bodies a temple. For example I just opened the door to my temple for a garlic knot … therefore I do not fall into that category. We all make choices, people.

Don’t get me wrong, I think they look really good … on certain people. I especially love it when only about 3 inches of flesh above your belly button is exposed and the rest is covered up by said crop top and a high-waisted skirt. Like J. Law, for example, looked fantastic in a style like this at Comic-Con. But J. Law, unlike 95.4% of the American public, basically gets paid bazillions of dollars to look hot … and that properly involves a trainer.

So let me give you a little sneak peek into my brain if I was forced to wear one of these torture devices, ahem:

1. I would be freaking out that I was overly exposed. I know, it is like 3 inches of my stomach … not like my tas are out and about, but still for a girl like myself who fancies layers and the “Mary Kate Olsen look” … it would feel like I was wearing a bikini at the grocery store. I’m not a nun … but nun-ish qualities sure do come out of me when I talk crop tops.

2. Fat rolls. The minute my ass sits down, they will surface … and this is what would be happening in my head: “OMG I need to suck in my stomach. OMG is he looking at my fat roll … is my fat roll looking at him?! Okay sucking in my stomach … sucking … it … in. UGH, shit. I can’t breathe … and now I can’t talk. Maybe I’ll just smile and nod. Okay, screw it I’ll just stand up. But will people question me standing because of my fat roll?! Maybe if I sit perfectly still and slouch a little over to the right … no one will notice my fat roll. AH HA! I have it, I’ll cross my arms … yeah crossing my arms is the trick. AHHHHHH GET ME OUT OF THIS CROP TOP HELL.” ::::::And scene:::::

3. Phantom fabric syndrome. I feel as if I would be constantly pulling the crop top down, thinking I’m having some sort of weird wardrobe malfunction, when alas, I decided to intentionally expose my stomach … boom, phantom fabric syndrome.
So people, if you have cut, tan abs and not spray tanned ones like some people … go to the land of crop tops and be free. Me personally, and I’m going to go ahead and speak for every woman who enjoys carbs and garlic knots as much as me, think crop tops need to do a pencil dive back to the 80’s or something.

You Say Goodbye … I Say Hello.

When I walked out of my house this morning, there was a familiar feeling in the air. A twinge of a chill that will forever remind me of going back to college or school in general. This is the time of year, for me at least, when change is the name of the game. Weather is cooling down, and like the tectonic plates decided to move and cause extreme chaos up and down the east coast yesterday (by the way, was I the only one that didn’t feel the earth move?), our closets will all go into transition mode.

But I’ve never understood those people at the end of a season who decide to move all of their winter clothes into Tupperware boxes or those dismal vacuum space saver bags and store in the attic for next winter to make room for spring and summer clothes. A. I don’t like the idea of Tupperware or vacuuming my clothing into plastic, B. I don’t trust leaving my clothes in a dark, damp, and weird space where God only knows what could happen to them … ick C. I like all of my clothing in one place … so what if I need super human strength to move through my closet, at least I know a random animal or colony of bugs living in my attic secretly didn’t eat them for dinner.

So if you are looking at all of your fantastic summer clothing and getting a bit depressed knowing that all the colors and frills will be retired after Labor Day … just … stop. Goodbyes suck, so why bother.

What To Salvage:

Summer Dresses: Since bright, vibrant colors are all the rage this fall, it is absolutely acceptable to keep these around. Strapless, spaghetti strap, one strap, crazy straps … or whatever other strap dresses you have acquired, throw on a pair of tights, a fierce pair of heels, a cute blazer and hello fall look, how you doin’?

Shorts: There is nothing more that I love in life than a pair of shorts with a great pair of tights underneath them, a cardigan and a pair of flats. Not only is it ridiculously comfy, but very retro chic. Perhaps this wouldn’t work with your jean booty shorts, but I always say, if your finger tips reach the end of the shorts, they are fair game to wear.

Maxi Everything: Parting WOULD be such sweet sorrow with my maxi dresses and skirts that I have collected, so I refuse. Even though they are beach frolicking and heat wave friendly, with a blazer and the right accessories you have yourself a lovely fall look. Ok maybe you might need to say farewell to the tropical print ones, but the solid colors I say keep around for the fall foliage.

Open Toed Booties: I know I’ve acquired a lot of fierce open toed shoes for the summer nights out, and when the weather gets a bit nippy, I know the urge to rescue your toes to warmth is overwhelming, but relax. Even the strappiest of strappy heels can be transitioned to fall and winter by rocking tights with them. Even socks are apparently socially acceptable to wear with heels now (even though I’m still on the fence on how I feel about this topic … more to come later).

Tank Tops: For the love of everything holy … tank tops are so versatile … yet they are such a symbol of sweltering heat and the summer months. When it doubt, no matter what time of year, if you find a cute tank top … BUY IT. Fall, winter, spring, summer … you can rock them solo, with a blazer (can you tell blazers are a must have this season?), a cardigan, layered under shirts and sweaters etc. etc. etc. Play around with them … but know they can always be used. They are a valuable resource, in fact I have a specific drawer dedicated to them. Be a tank top hoarder … no one will judge, I promise.

Lesson learned: Just say no to retiring your wardrobe into dismal Tupperware coffins.