Capes, So Hot Right Now, Capes

rs_293x473-140112223546-634.LupitaNyongo-gg.cm.11214_copyI think for the first time in history everyone in the fashion industry is aligned on who was best dressed at the Golden Globe Awards last weekend, and that was Lupita Nyong’o in her red Ralph Lauren gown that included a fantastic cape. For a while, and no one burn me at the stake for saying this, I was finding Ralph to be a little, I don’t know, yawn-worthy? Granted I don’t rub shoulders with people who rock Purple label, but I don’t know, I just haven’t seen anything that has wow-ed me recently … until this dress. To which I say, Ralph is back, people. He’s back.

janelle4But this wasn’t my first love affair with a cape. Oh no. I believe it was a few years back at some awards show that Janelle Monae performed at. I adore her throwback style and the risks she takes with menswear, but this was the first time I salivated over the idea of cape-wearing. It’s different, it’s mysterious, it’s chic, it’s … in the words of Rachel Zoe, everything. My love affair with the cape kind of faded to black for no apparent reason, probably because I saw something shiny, after this moment until the lovely Lupita Nyong’o sparked my cape fire once again.

It’s funny how capes are all of a sudden the “it” thing now. Think about back in high school. At least back in my day, if you saw a kid wearing a cape, he/she would have immediately been deemed a freak of nature obsessed with mid-evil times. What fools kids were/are, though. Capes are only a symbol of power, in my eyes. Super heroes? Royalty? Count Chocula? Hello! All bad ass powerful people. So if you rock a cape to school and get made fun of for it, tell those preppy bastards to stick THAT in their pipes and smoke it.

I would like to end this post by tipping my cap to Ralph Lauren and Lupita Nyong’o for telling the world that you don’t need hair extensions, sparkles and exaggerated accents on a dress, millions of dollars worth of bling, and pounds of makeup to be the “it” girl on the red carpet. Any lady could have worn this dress and looked like a stunner, although Lupita did it exceptionally well, of course. Sometimes simplicity makes the loudest statement, and that is huge for me to say because I love shiny things.

And now, let’s honor great cape wearers throughout the years, shall we?
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Looking Into My Crystal Ball O’ Fashion

Sometimes I think about people who survived the 70’s and 80’s and how they look back and cringe over the outfits they chose to wear. Bell bottoms, power suits, leg warmers, neon everything, acid washed this, punk rock plaid that. Now I only endured three whole years of the 80’s myself, which consisted of me wearing mostly OshKosh and Esprit … so clearly I was the epitome of adorable :::hair flip::: so I have nothing to worry about.

But why do we partake in certain trends if we know sometime down the road we will either be made fun of for what we wore, or end up making fun of ourselves … like how our parents and grandparents get flack for pornstaches, shoulder pads, and Aqua Net infused hair styles. Well kids, it is because we want to be cool. And unfortunately what sets the standards for “cool” is what comes off the high fashion runways. And unfortunately … again … some of those trends just shouldn’t trickle down to gen pop, am I right? But they do … and we make them work for the sake of being “cool.” And if you don’t agree, well then prepare yourselves for my wave of shame.

The wave of shame will have to wait, though, for now I would like to take the role as a fashion soothsayer and predict just what trends will make me cry, eye roll, and want to drink in decades to come:

Ombre Hair: Yes, kids … not only did I dive into the ombre trend head first, but I did my OWN ombre. And after 8 months, one hair cut, and one dye job … I still cannot get rid of the ombre. It’s fall. I’m over the ombre convo, personally. And when people who aren’t even born yet (ew) question why I thought it was a cool idea to dye the bottom of my hair a lighter color … I sadly won’t have an answer for them :::sigh:::

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Nail Art: Who needs a canvas when I can express myself with my nails :::jazz hands::: The question is … how many colorful geometric shapes can I have on one nail?! And psh let’s be real, you aren’t anything unless you basically have the God damn Mona Lisa painted on your middle finger nail while the others are painted in a metallic chevron print. Throw flowers on them. Put a bird on it! There. Is. No. Such. Thing. As. Too. Much.

CaptureLiquid Leggings: These seem like a great idea … especially when you don’t have the balls to buy a pair of real leather pants because deep down you know you aren’t Mick Jagger … nor will you ever be. Enter liquid leggings stage right … in every. Color. So cat woman, eat your heart out … you are about to see every delicious nook and cranny of my ass. And when my children, children’s children, children’s children’s children come across pictures of me rocking said pair of liquid leggings with a shirt that isn’t quite long enough to cover my ass fully … they will be thrown into a spiral of night terrors so intense no amount of therapy will ever help them recover.

sandy-in-greaseDIY: In 20-30 years, Pinterest will be the new Atari. And DIY-ing will be the new bedazzling. You heard it here first, kids.

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Crop Tops: I’m only including this because they forcefully make a come back every couple of decades. Think about it … 50’s/60’s, late 80’s/early 90’s … and if my math is correct (which it probably isn’t because I am an idiot when it comes to math), around 2033-ish will be when they make another come back after we banish them away in a few months. And when your kid refers to your old Urban Outfitters crop top as “vintage”, I hope you have a box of Kleenex and a bottle of Jack next to you.

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Arm Parties: Every time I say “arm party” in my head, I immediately feel this urge to jump up and dance like Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air to “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” I’m all about arm parties. I think blending the right watches, bangles and bracelets together is amazing … with that being said, I guarantee in 20-30 years this will be considered the new “neon” or “wearing more than one watch.” But never fear, generations to come will revive it and the Man Repeller’s legacy will live on loud and proud.

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Heel-less Heels: Thanks for this one, Lady Gaga. Love, your little monsters who are now in their mid-forties with their podiatrists on speed dial. GASP is that a claw?! Nope … that’s just my foot.
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Refusing To Get My Nails Did.

Okay, at first I thought this whole crazed nail polish trend was innovative and cute … you know just another way to self express. Studded nails, color blocked nails, two nails painted a different color. It was all subtle but really cool. But literally everyday it keeps getting more and more cray. And today I had it, I just had it. I saw a new nail design and literally said to myself at my desk, “for the love of God, what kind of crack are we on ladies that we would subject our nails to this.”

What threw me over the edge you ask? It was kind of a two part downward spiral. It started with the Golden Globes. I’ll give it to the ladies this year, some really fantastic fashion all around … minus Meryl Streep. The woman can act her ass off, but ask her to throw on a black tie gown well … yikes. Anyways, Zooey Deschanel was there … and quite frankly I absolutely was not a fan of her look, well … and I’m not really a fan of her, but that is a WHOLE different story, we are talking nails here. The bright green and black dress really threw me for a loop … and so did the tux nails. What? Seriously, black tie affair … THE GOLDEN GLOBES and you have tuxedos on your nails? Who are you? Sure, its cute. But I don’t think the Golden Globes are a place for “cute.” Fierce? Yes. Bad ass? Yes. But cutesy … NOPE. Tuxedos belong on men … and sometimes ladies, not nails, kay?

And then today was the end all be all that officially took this trend and set fire to it. Two words: Lisa Frank. Okay, to most girls it is a fabulous flashback of their childhood filled with fantastic Lisa Frank school supplies. Yes, I had a Lisa Frank trapper keeper, but basically it reminds me of those moments in summer when “Back To School” advertising started and ruined all of my freedom, which would send me into a frenzy of anxiety. Oh yeah, it also reminds me of ugliness. But apparently, THIS is a new nail trend. Remember those multicolored rainbow neon Dalmatians, unicorns, cheetah print, kittens and rainbows? Oh yeah, they expect me to put that shit on my nails? Really?

So this is where I say enough, ladies. Maybe it is because I’m getting older, but in no way, shape or form do I think it is chic or stylish or even hipster-chic to paint your nails in all of these crazy patterns and styles … especially Lisa Frank … for the love of God. Have you ever tried to produce any of these styles, by the way? Okay, I’ll admit it, I wanted my nails navy with a black stripe going down the middle. So I got the skinny brush for the stripe and it turned into a big fat, frustrating disaster area with a lot of cursing and nail polish remover spills. Not as easy as these trend setters claim to be, even with step by step tutorials.

I personally enjoy the good ol’ fashion solid colors, maybe even doing two nails a different color … but that is as cray cray as I will take it. This look is, you know … classy, sophisticated, chic. I would rather not look down at my nails and have flashbacks of back to school hell and bad decisions made with school supplies and have to wonder … hmmm am I 5 years old or 25?

If you are between the ages of 5-18, go for the gold with these outlandish nail trends. The rest of us ol’ bags … let’s keep it simple.

*FYI I’m marking this as the most conservative post I will EVER write. I even scared myself a bit. In fact to shake off my conservative thoughts, I have to admit that I once coveted Gaga’s nails when she had a ring pierced through one of them. There, now I feel better.

Back In The 90’s Mini Backpacks … Back I Say!

So yesterday I walked into Target to get a few things … and a few things like clockwork turned into a million unnecessary impulse, “dear God this nail polish is making me so happy right now, I need it immediately,” purchases. And while I was aimlessly wandering around, I stumbled upon the Back To School section. What? Don’t we all still have red, white and blue hangovers? I know as a kid, when I would see the first “Back To School” commercial I would become immediately sick with anxiety, but mind you, this didn’t happen until AT LEAST mid-August. Aren’t we jumpin’ the gun a smidge here people? I digress though …

So all of this brings me to the concept of backpacks. Not JanSport or North Face, “school” backpacks, but miniature, 90’s, Clueless-esque backpack purses. I am all for bringing back trends from decades past, but I think this one needs to marinate in the 90’s a bit longer.

I’m guilty of owning a Kate Spade mini backpack when I was in middle school, and at the time it made me feel like Britney Spears. But let’s not fool ourselves, supplementing the mini backpack as a purse makes no sense! I stopped carrying a backpack when I got to high school, so why in the world as a 24-year-old woman would I want all of my important belongings, including my cell phone, on my back where it is impossible to get to and even easier for fools to rob me.

Being raised in the 90’s, I have an extreme respect for all the greatness that came out of it. And yes, during the “Clueless” era, mini backpacks were rockin’ because at that time only people in Beverly Hills could afford those Zach Morris-esque monsters known as “cellular devices.” So when the average joe jumped on the trend wagon, it made sense! You had a wallet, lip gloss, tampons, a pager perhaps, if you were really technologically savvy, and maybe a pen and paper? Ahh simpler times …

Women in 2011 need things to be at their beck and call within a split second. I don’t care if it is for the sake of fashion, flinging the backpack around, unclasping it, digging through it only to have missed the call and having to do it all over again is beyond tiresome. We are all too text happy to have it live in the dark abyss of a backpack purse when we really just want it close enough to see if it is blinking, lighting up, beeping, binging or whatever your phone does. Facebook Apps don’t belong on your back, they belong in your hand.

And if the need to indulge in this trend is just overwhelming, like you have a fashion itch that you just NEED to scratch, I totally understand … just promise me one thing: NEVER wear it on only one of your shoulders. Dear God, it is the most unbecoming thing one could do. Rock it on both of your shoulders, hold the straps with your thumbs, frolic with it … do whatever you want … just not on only one shoulder.

I’m glad we had this talk … I feel better.

Are You Wearing Hose?

We have officially arrived at heat wave central, so the need to wear as minimal amounts of clothing without looking like a whore is optimal, especially at work. So what happens when you need to wear a skirt or dress and your legs are so pale you can see through them, you have a raging bruise that you need to hide, or your skirt or dress is a tad on the short side and you need something to compensate.

Sigh, pantyhose. I immediately think of those cheap plastic balls of nude “hose” one would get at CVS or Walgreens … and the 80’s. The word skeeves me and quite frankly, the thought of wearing them in the summer skeeves me even more. And by the¬†way, who calls them “hose” anymore? Didn’t that word get banned along with “stewardess?” Isn’t the fashionably correct term, “tights” or “stockings,” because I do believe it is.

So Kate Middleton was seen frolicking around La La Land in nude colored “hose,” and now all of a sudden they are making a comeback? True, the girl is a rising style icon, but have you ever heard of the saying, “if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” So I HAVE to ask … just because Kate Middleton wore “hose,” will you?

Yes, a chic pair of black or nude tights in the fall or winter can make a look fierce, but people, we are in the middle of July, and I get claustrophobic just thinking about them on my legs. If you are uncomfortable walking around with bare legs, that is why maxi dresses and skirts were invented … and pants, all trendy and chic.

It is so difficult to find a pair of nude “hose” that match your skin tone. They are either too shiny, too dark or too light. Sure, pantyhose has the reputation of being “sexy,” but have you ever watched a real woman put on pantyhose? Probably the least sexy thing on the planet, in fact I tend to curse a lot when I put mine on because I end up pinching my legs trying to shimmy those bad boys up.

So here is what I’m saying, let’s put this trend, if that is what you want to call it, on the back burner, you know, until it doesn’t feel like the fiery pits of hell outside. Also, let’s make a deal that we will start a revolution to ban the word “pantyhose.”

Deal?

Does Your Personality Have a Designer Label?

Personalities … if they were actual tangible things you could hold in your hands, would yours have a label on the back of it, or inside on the seam like a shirt? Would it say preppy, goth, hipster (whatever that means), poser, snob … or something else perhaps?

I get this feeling in our society that we feel like we need to label who we are and what our style is all about so we can clearly define who we are and what we believe in to the general public. In terms of labels, a hipster, for instance, would never walk into J. Crew and buy a pair of navy blue whale pants, pair it with a crisp white polo shirt, pop the collar, slide on a pair of Sperry’s and hit the town … would they?

As I sit here looking at my closet, I don’t know if I can clearly define my “label.” There are plaid button downs (which PS every time I wear it … there is most definitely a guy within 50 feet of me wearing the same one), sequin dresses, lacy, flowing hippy tops, skinny jeans, blazers, faux fur and beyond. I got a little bit of everything, but I will not sit here and pretend I do not roll my eyes at those “J.Crew/Banana” women … because I do and openly admit I would not be caught dead in a pair of “whale pant-esque” type things. And sometimes, while shopping, I stop and think to myself, “is this me, or is this me desperately trying to be something I’m not in order to be like that woman’s sense of style I so envy.”

And in a day and age when people are so forward with labels … gay, straight, bisexual, republican, democrat, and in the wake of the lack of rapture … atheist, I almost feel like to have a sense of style you need to join a “party.” The hispter movement, the preps … the goths … the people who spend too much money to try to look like they don’t give a fuck.

A friend of mine said recently something about not being gay, straight or bi … but a humanist … meaning you have love for every human and do not discriminate against anyone. In terms of fashion and style … that is such a refreshing concept. If only the preps could unpop their collars and put on a grungy $2 shirt from a vintage store, walk out the door with slept on hair, put on some neon shades and live life.

My personal style does not have a label … but it does have stitching wounds from me trying to label myself a prep, a CAP (Christian American Princess … a high school term), a hipster … which I assume most of us do. I love that my closet has numerous layers, colors, styles and trends. How refreshing to have a sector of your life where you can create, form and be whomever you wish every day of your life, as long as you don’t let the label ruin the fun.