(wh)Y Are Dresses So Ugly Right Now?!

8f0c7e79da7ede9d2a1185d25c4fc39eI have a holiday party on the horizon, and even though I have a solid 3 options currently sitting in my closet, I decided to take to the interwebs in search of “the perfect dress.” 

You know what I mean when I say “perfect dress” right? That dress you imagine yourself in, walking into rooms, making people gasp at your beauty, and twirling the night away. You know, that dress that DOES. NOT. EXIST. Am I the only one that builds this amazingly stunning dress in their brain only to find it doesn’t exist or costs $5,000? Because it’s fucking infuriating. 

Anywho … back to my search on the interwebs. 

My perfect dress could not be found. Hence why cardinal rule of dress buying is if you see one that you really like, even if you don’t need it, BUY. IT. Because a dress should make a woman feel like a woman (man, I have this strong urge to listen to Shania Twain…). Make you feel like Beyonce with a side of Britney and a touch of Gaga. 

But you know what I did find? Ugly. Lots of it. In bulk. I don’t know who decided the 90’s were violently back in and nothing else, or that vagina’s should be invited to holiday parties, too, but my GAWD, people. My eyes!

As a good fashion blogger, I should probably share with you all the cool looks for the holiday’s and where to find them, but fuck that. I have to share with you this heinousness that we as women have to be exposed to because it’s too funny not to share. 

So laugh slash cringe with me, won’t you? 

Tell me, why did this stylist feel the need to throw a white T under a long satin dress? Oh that’s right … because apparently it is 1995 and I didn’t get the memo. Duh. 

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If you wear this and someone offers you a bottle full of milk, do NOT be surprised. Because you look like an oversized baby, and you can thank good ol’ Urban Outfitters for that disaster. 

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It is totally cool to not wear pants in the privacy of your own home. Pants sucks. But when you get the urge to not wear pants out in public, or, I don’t know, say a holiday party, fight it. Fight it hard. Pants in public, kids, pants in public. :::The More You Know star swipe:::

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Number 1: That dress is see through. Number 2: the solve for said see through dress is not a cotton gray top over a pair of skinny black denim pants. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Dear H&M, fire your stylists. Like IMMEDIATELY.

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If I was going to a party that was located in my bedroom, with a reservation at a table that was my bed, and Netflix as my date, then fuck yes, dress of the year. Otherwise … holy sweater bag dress, Batman. 

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Aaaaaaand apparently my vagina and ass were invited to this party. Seriously, Urban Outfitters, go home, you’re drunk. 

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Sweet mother… bib overall dress, you guys. No no no … BIB. OVERALL. DRESS. Bib overall dress. BIB OVERALL DRESS! I can’t. I really just … nope. I got nothing. :::bangs head against wall:::

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If I have any desire to just say, “fuck it, I’m drinking the Kool Aid,” this is the dress I would wear to my cult initiation. 

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Da fuck?

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Did I accidentally spike my Diet Coke with acid or did this stylist think it was a cool idea to drape a backless cropped turtle neck sweater over a prom dress that a cast member of 10 Things I Hate About You wore?

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Whoreville, population one. 

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Taking Down The M.O.B. … Dress

112631-Cameron-Blake-by-Mon-Cheri-Mother-of-the-Bride-Dress-S12I adore my mom. I’m obsessed with her, as a matter of fact. She gave birth to me, she turned me into the woman I am today, she’s my all-time favorite shopping partner. So why, please tell me why, “wedding industry,” would I want her to look a hot mess in some mother of bride monstrosity when I get married?

This past weekend, I went bridesmaid dress shopping with one of my best friends, and found myself strolling through the “mother of the bride” section of the store. I wish someone captured the look on my face as I was thumbing through these horrific gowns. It was something like this:

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Anyways … I never thought I would see a garment that had too much sparkle to it, but alas it happened. Perhaps it was because the bottom of this one dress looked like it got hit with a glitter bomb, and the middle was this like rouged awful fabric, and the top was lace … paired with an overly structured blazer … and an oddly placed brooch. Umm what? What’s the classic saying by Chanel, take one thing off before you leave the house? Try take off five with this hot mess.

Let’s talk about the blazers and shrugs, shall we? Every dress has one. I get it, we get older and stuff starts to lose its luster, but my God. Formal dresses with blazers … don’t look good together. They just don’t. And ladies … there are other options then having to wear one of these things over a gown to cover up parts of your body that you aren’t fond of. Trust. Think outside of the box. And when a bridal boutique associate tries to add more nonsense to your dress, like a brooch, smack her hand away. Seriously.

After I came face-to-face with an MOB dress in a blue-green iridescent, yes iridescent, fabric covered in sparkles with a tuxedo blazer to match, I ran in the bathroom to throw up and when I came to … got really mad. Why are we telling our mother’s that these are their only options to wear when we get married? I get it, it’s “your day,” blah-blah-blahbity-blah, but your day wouldn’t happen without these influential women in your life.

Tradition states that the bride’s family is to pay for the wedding. Right? I mean, I HOPE this isn’t the case in 2014, but who knows. To each their own. So these “mother of the bride’s” are shelling out THOUSANDS to make their baby’s dream wedding come to life, and yet have to undergo the torture of trying on these heinous “MOB dresses,” which PS. are NOT cheap. I’m talking like $700 not cheap.

You know what I say, fuck mother of the bride dresses. Seriously. Down with them all. I want my mother, and my future mother-in-law (that is if I like her), and my aunts, and any “older” woman in my life to look like rock stars when I get married. Because they deserve to.

Go to Bloomies, go to Saks, go to Macy’s … step outside of the bridal boutique box, mother’s of the bride. You deserve to look smashing because, hopefully, this will be the one and only time you will see your daughter or son walk down the aisle … and you’ve spent a HELL of a lot of time turning them into the descent human beings they are today. Even if your kid sucks, you still deserve a fab dress. And guess what, if you are thinking about paying over $500 for a MOB dress, why not take that money and go buy an actual designer gown. Live it up a little, you know what I mean?

Remember when your daughter or daughter-in-law drags you out to one of these awful boutiques and subjects you to the MOB dresses … it is about what makes you feel good. What makes you flip your hair back like Cher and strut. You will know it even before the sales associate tries to talk you in to buying it. Trust.