It’s Pronounced ‘MURICA … Duh

4-Bruce-Springsteen-flagI’m not sure why, but I have this strong urge to paint my entire body red, white and blue this 4th of July. I just love it. BBQs, little pink houses, pies, Bud Light, Chuck Norris … I just want to shout it from the roof tops … I love ‘MURICA! I’ve lived only minutes from the greatest city in the US of A my entire life … yeah that’s right … I’m talking about Philly. Betsy Ross, the liberty bell, Will Smith … your city … SUCKS (stolen from Tina Fey). No seriously, I’m not hating on your city … I swear we are lovely people who just like to indulge in cheesesteaks and once in a blue moon fancy whipping batteries at non-IGGLES fans. Therefore we are NOT indeed cranky fat jerks like numerous publications have claimed. The birthplace of ‘MURICA truly rocks … Elton John says so … and you know that’s legit.

So at the end of the day I probably won’t end up painting my entire body red, white and blue (you’re welcome), but I have been pretty impressed by some of the festive looks popping up all over the interwebs. Once upon a time it used to be considered extraordinarily lame to rock ‘MURICAN flag shirts with the year printed on them from places like Old Navy. Or remember the days when you used to cringe when your mom would rock a light up Uncle Sam pin to your family BBQ? But now … it is entirely bad ass. Hell, I’m totally going out and getting a fierce stick on ‘MURICAN flag tattoo just for funsies (because if I got a real one I would probably wake up hung over on the 5th cursing violently at my idiot life decisions).

So I say anything goes this 4th of July. Wanna rock ‘MURICAN flag short shorts? Do it. Got a crazy Uncle Sam-inspired hat that is callin’ your name? Rock that shit. Feel like drunkenly dancing around to Philadelphia Freedom in your backyard with a beer in your hand (which is an amazing workout … not that … I have … umm … done it or anything)? Go for it, you jazzercising maniac! Have a ball kids … and do it responsibly, for the love of Jesus. It is totally not ‘MURICAN chic to get behind the wheel whilst intoxicated. Crash, cab, train, plane … do what you must to get home safely :::star swipe, the more you know:::

And now behold … my favorite ‘MURICAN styled looks! Feel free to share yours with me on my numerous social presences … I’ll be sharing mine!

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Stickin’ It To Abercrombie.

CaptureWhen I was in high school, I wanted to be cool. Like really cool. Like Kelly Kapowski cool. And I thought the way to do that was through trendy clothing that all the cool kids were wearing. Juicy, Hard Tail, Mavi Jeans … and good ol’ Abercrombie & Fitch. Sigh.

So, of course, on my Christmas list to Santa, clothing from Abercrombie was on there. Flash forward to Christmas morning when I’m holding boxes from A&F grinning from ear-to-ear like an idiot and my mom staring at me, shaking her head in disbelief and annoyance.

She then enlightened me to her very first … and last … Abercrombie experience, which I will share with you now, from her perspective, told by me (from what I can recall).

The smell was overwhelming when I first walked in to the point where it was making me nauseous. I kept going though because “Santa” needed to finish her Christmas duties. But it wasn’t just that. It was the music. The awful, horrifyingly loud music. I couldn’t think!

And then I got greeted by some model-looking half wit who is a size negative zero strutting around in A&F. I smiled and started to look around by myself. The funny thing was, there was no light! Just these tiny tea lights around the clothing. Was I looking at a t-shirt or was it a dress, I didn’t have the slightest idea!

So I was forced to ask a sales associate for help. I told the girl that I was looking for an outfit for my daughter, who was tall and skinny with long legs. She said some things but I couldn’t hear her. Her: “What kind of ::muffled noise::: Me: WHAT?! Her: “Does your daughter li … :::muffled noise::: Me: WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU? I mean I was screaming at this poor girl to get my point across! Once I started reading her lips, we got on the same page.

So she brought me over to the jean skirts, the ones that all the girls wear, apparently. I lifted it up to one of the tea lights and realized this piece of jean they were calling a jean skirt that looked like someone took a lawn mower to it was over $100, and would not even cover her behind. We moved on to t-shirts. She isn’t a large … at all. But when I lifted the medium up, it didn’t even look like it would fit a toddler. Forgive her for having breasts. So I was forced to get a large, which I wasn’t even sure would fit her. Not to mention I couldn’t find a t-shirt that didn’t say ABERCROMBIE all over it to save my life. And because I needed to get the hell out of that store, I was forced to buy an overpriced t-shirt … and the run towards fresh air and silence.

True life: That large t-shirt … didn’t fit me. And you know what, I was 5’9 and in no way, shape or form overweight. But even in their overpriced jeans, I was like a size 15, when normally I was a size 6. Really?

Clothing is supposed to make you feel good, help you express who you truly are, no matter what size you happen to be. You say you hate “fat chicks”, Mike Jeffries? Well I hate discriminatory, macho, close-minded, assholes who make people feel bad about themselves.

So to my mother, I apologize for making you go through this hell when I was a teenager. To normal human beings out there … if a brand makes you feel bad about yourself when they really should be in the business of making everyone feel the best they can  … know that no one has the right to do that … NO ONE. And Mike Jeffries, you make overpriced, unoriginal crap that pushes your brand name. That’s. About. It. Take a look in the mirror and try to find Jesus or something. Men who are CEO’s of a popular clothing company, who put limitations on what kind of human being can wear their brand based on superficial reasons, clearly have something deeper inside they need to work out.

So SUCK ON THAT …. aye aye aye aye aye aye!

AND ONE MORE THING: Just because you have a model stick figure standing to greet me at your store doesn’t make me want to slap “Abercrombie” across my ass. People buy clothing because it makes them feel good and fits well, not because some gorgeous model sold it to them. And if you only buy your clothes based on how the sales associates look … well, God speed in life.