Single Shaming

CapturePreface: No I am not a bitter single lady who has to remind everyone that she is destined to cat lady-dom nor do I proudly walk this Earth doing the “Single Ladies” dance. I’m just speaking for the THOUSANDS of single people out there who want you, single shamers, to shut the fuck up.

Your co-workers do it. Your relatives do it. Hell, your friends probably do it. And the sad thing is, they probably have NO idea what they are doing. What they are doing is making you feel poorly about something you have no control over. Being single. Literally. None. Unless you whore yourself out on the street, which would just be ridiculous … and dangerous. Or let any idiot date you … which … no.

These people, the single shamers, are the ones who believe any cherish-able moment in life should be spent with a significant other. She’s that girlfriend of yours who only comes around when she isn’t in a relationship, and when a man finally falls for her she literally drops off the face of the planet (we all have one of those). They are the ones that ask inane questions or make obnoxious statements like:

1. He’s out there … don’t worry. He’ll find ya!
Proper response: I’m not playing dating hide and go-seek. Calm the fuck down.

2. Have you tried online dating?
Proper response: I would rather spend $19.99 a month on shiny things … or shots of vodka.

3. (When single shamers talk to one another:) Do you think she is sad because she’s the only one out of our group of friends that is single?
Proper Response: Yes. In my free time between knitting and brushing my 10 cats all I can fathom is how my life just will never amount to anything without a man at my side and how much better your lives are because of it.

4. I have the PERFECT guy to set you up with!
Proper response: I hate people.

5. Who is your Valentine this year missy?!
Proper response: My cat :::takes a victory sip:::.

And if this shit wasn’t bad enough, now Valentine’s Day is upon us and it is like everywhere you look you are being reminded that you are “alone.” Alone. What utter hogwash. “Poor little single person with no one to buy them anything from the aisle in Rite Aid that looks like Cupid vommited all over it.” I have no shame in my game, I will straight up buy myself a box of chocolates any time of year and eat that shit, single or in a relationship, Forrest Gump-style.

I decided Valentine’s Day was a bunch of hooey when I was 16 and my boyfriend gave me a stuffed dog with a heart in its mouth that said “I woof you.” Yeah. That happened. I didn’t swoon … well, I faked swooned out of courtesy for him, but in my head I was just like, “is this what people do? Really? What is the point?” And since then, I’ve just been beyond it.

Listen, love comes in different forms and is in random corners of your life, but one thing I’m absolutely sure about is a box of chocolates, flowers, a dog with a heart in its mouth that says “I woof you,” a reservation at a fancy restaurant one day a year, sure as fuck doesn’t mean love in ANY sense of the word. So thinking you aren’t loved because those things are happening for you Saturday is just straight up crazytown.

And to all you people who treat your single friends like they are the hunchback of Notre Dame sitting alone in their bell towers screaming, “DON’T LOOK AT ME, DON’T LOOK AT ME!” stop it. Seriously. These people are your friends, therefore tilting your head and going, “awwww no Valentine this year?!” makes them want to secretly judo chop you in the throat.

Single, in a relationship, swingers, I demand one thing from you on Saturday, and that is to show yourself some love by buying yourselves something shiny. That’s all.

Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra has spoken.

Jesus Did Not Die NOR Did He Rise …

meh-funny-anti-valentines-day-t-shirt… on February 14.

Valentine’s Day is such a bunch of bullshit. Seriously … way to go Hallmark for finding a way to make people want to crawl in a black hole one day a year for no other reason than the fact that they aren’t receiving chocolates, flowers and idiotic cards that say, “I Woof You,” with some pathetic looking dog on it. I’ve seen girls literally cry themselves into a frenzy watching other women receive flowers and not them. It’s wild and sad all at the same time.

Now I’m not speaking as an enraged woman who just had her heart-broken … absolutely not. Because even if you are with that “special someone” … these Valentine’s Day advertisements have an acute way of making you feel absolutely alone. All of a sudden your mind goes to crazy places like, “my boyfriend doesn’t shop at Jared … what does it mean!?!” “Why haven’t I received an open heart necklace … huh?!” “OMG … I’m sitting on my couch alone right now … I’m going to be alone forever … ever … ever …ever :::Trails off:::” In-san-i-ty.

I wouldn’t even take the time to acknowledge the fact that Cupid voms all over the place this time of year if it wasn’t for a very poignant conversation I just had with my best friend. I won’t give you the nitty-gritty details, but it was about “getting back to you.” It is so easy to get lost in work, every day life, a relationship, that you begin to lose yourself … including what you stand for. Only until someone smacks you upside the head and makes it crystal clear what you have become is when you realize that you are standing as a hot mess at point B … and point A (where your true self exists) is like 500,000 miles away in the opposite direction. And that is when you stop and say, “sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiit.”

So I want to stick it to Valentine’s Day this year … and I’m hoping all of my fab readers will stand with me. And I’m not saying this in an Alanis Morissette kind of “You Outta Know” way. I’m saying it so ladies out there don’t take it as a green light to torture the men in their lives for not planning the “perfect evening” and for the other set of single women to plan elaborate all female gatherings Real Housewives-style chugging white wine and spurting out half thought out sentence fragments about why being single is so awesome and how “I don’t need no mans ::: drunken z-snap:::”, oh yeah and … “why doesn’t he LOVE me?!!?!?! ::::drunken tears::::: Ew.


So do me a fav and …


Please refrain from the following:

1. All girl dinners that end up being drunken convos about ex-boyfriends and how much they suck … yet don’t … yet do … yet don’t … and usually end with a pathetic drunken text to him/her that sounds like SUCH a good idea at the time, but when you wake up in the morning will make you want to die. Seriously ladies … just don’t. Seriously. “No … but I jussssss … need … to tell him … that I’m sooooooo over husss stupid azzzzz.” Yeah … text messaging ex-boyfriends should have a breathalyzer device attached to it. Apple … get on this.

2. Rolling your eyes at co-workers/friends who get showered the legit way for Valentine’s Day with flowers and such. It will be tempting … but let’s take the high road. There are some good ones out there who know how to do it right, no matter how stupid and clique it may seem. So anyone who wants to send me milk chocolate caramels … I will not stop you, nor will I roll my eyes. Just sayin’ …

3. Putting up a status somewhere across social media about Valentine’s Day and how fabulous you are with an undertone of saltiness that you are single. Seriously … not a good look. Tacky if anything. Being single isn’t cancer and age is it but a number. Get. Over. Yourself.

But seriously …

Please indulge in the following:

1. How fantastic you are … personally, professionally, all around … indulge in it. It is a day about “love”, right? Think of all the ways that you make life lovable and how life makes you lovable. Put on a fabulous outfit, go about your day like any other day … but take the time to love yourself. I know I sound like a heinous self-help nightmare right now, but I’m serious for once. It is important, dammit.

2. How fantastic the people in your life are. Family, friends … even if you have one of each … it is a blessing. I am the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by such lovely friends. That is something to celebrate and hell … I may even consider buying them a God damn open heart necklace because yes, they rock THAT much.

3. Know that one day to show the love … just isn’t enough and shouldn’t be enough. The love should be shown 365 days a year. Nice try Hallmark, but we ain’t buyin’. One day of roses and candies and naked Cupids doesn’t mean shit at the end of the day. It means your neighbor gave in to the man … and you didn’t. BOOM.

Ahhh Valentine’s Day … how you make us all go cray. But this year … it is time to rise above.