Retire Your “Sexy” Cat Ears …

grady… because scary is the new sexy this Halloween.

We’ve all done it, ESPECIALLY if you are a college graduate. You say you won’t wear lingerie, throw on a pair of animal ears and call yourself a “mouse … duh” (it just wouldn’t be Halloween without quoting Mean Girls), but you will and you do … because every girl you know is, and dressing like an ironic tree just doesn’t seem like it would make you the coolest chick at the party anymore.

I was torn this Halloween. Do I go funny … or do I go scary, something I hadn’t done since I dressed like a witch in third grade. Most of the time I go funny … or as a pop culture reference. But this year … I was jonsin’ to scare the shit out of people. Don’t know why … just was. And what is scarier than the twins from The Shining, am I right?

And after attending a party this past weekend where I spent the night freaking people out, including me when I looked in the mirror … I realized that dressing scary is a thousand times better than dressing like a cat whore. I imagine the two guys reading this want to throw sharp objects at me for making a statement like that … but wait, I have my reasoning:

1. The Hotter The Mess The Better: Making yourself look dead is a breath of fresh air from the every day trial and tribulation of trying to make yourself look like a stud. I received more joy out of applying thick amounts of black eyeliner and smearing it down my face then if I was actually trying to perfect the cat eye look. I rubbed eye shadow on my lips to accent my paleness … I did things outside of my makeup comfort zone (since, I try my hardest to, you know, look alive on a daily basis). AND, not to mention, no one could tell if I was drunk or not. In fact at one time I looked at myself in the mirror mortified over how drunk I looked, but realized it was just my awesome death makeup. My biggest concern of the night wasn’t that my whore red lipstick had come off, but that I didn’t look scary enough. When, my friends, will you EVER get this opportunity?! It’s brilliant.

2. Get Comfy: Sure, wearing corsets, fish nets and stilettos seems like a fun idea, in essence, but it sucks. Badly. It literally encompasses everything about Life Sucking In A Strapless Bra. You’re cold, you’re in pain, your God damn fish nets are falling down, you look drunker than you are because you can’t walk in your stilettos, and every 10 seconds you have to keep checking to make sure your giggly bits haven’t popped out of their home for the evening. Awful. Hence why rocking a nightgown from the granny section of Walmart … yep WALMART … and flats was pure genius. I was warm, I kept my figure by belting it with ribbon, AND … my favorite part, I had pockets. POCKETS! I didn’t have to shove my phone in my cleavage, for once.

3. That’s a Scary Mask, Bro: I got to scare the shit out of people for funsies. I mean, this one speaks for itself. If there was someone chatting with me that I didn’t want to entertain anymore, I would just turn on the Shining charm, angle my face down and look seriously frightening. Memo was received after that one.

4. No Competition: Girls spend more time than you think trying to make themselves look like an amazingly, beautiful version of themselves in pop star/whorish cat form.  And when a hotter version of your costume would waltz in to the party, it would crush your evening and make you want to lose your voice talking shit. But when you are dressed as a zombie twin … it doesn’t matter. Oh hey, 14 versions of Lady Gaga … what’s good? I’m going to go twerk in my granny gown from Walmart. Byeeeee.

So there you have it, ladies. Don’t be afraid to get a little scary … it rules, mostly because of the comfort level. I don’t want to act like an ACTUAL granny here, but if you think guys will want to talk to you more just because you threw on some fish nets, short shorts and called yourself some sort of woodland creature … well, for shame. Have fun … that’s what Halloween is all about. I had fun scaring people … and if being a whorish squirrel will make your evening come alive … then so be it … who the hell am I to judge!

Happy Halloween, kids!

Closet Space: Let Me, Let Me Downgrade ‘Cha

Moving. :::Sigh::: People tell you how heinous it is, but you really don’t know until you make 15 trips to get your closet from your car to your room … upstairs. In other news, my side abs are looking FANTASTIC. But yes, if you don’t stalk me on social media, then you’ve missed all of my fantastical ranting and raving about this epic move that owned my life for the past two-three weeks. But it is over. I am through with the moving conversation.

oldclosetAnd yes, I did get emotional when saying goodbye to my old closet, pictured to the left. It wasn’t like Real Housewives status or anything, but it fit my wardrobe perfectly and I Pinterested it before Pinterest was “Pinterest” by ripping the doors off and adding sheers. I couldn’t help but run my fingers one last time through the sheers as Boys to Men’s, “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to YesterdayHEEEE,” played in my head.

That song quickly turned into, “Movin’ on Up” as I went to place my clothing in their new home, when … wait, what :::record screeches:::? Yep. Meet my new closet I’ve deemed “the hole.” Honestly … who can work with something like this?! I am a visual person. When thinking of outfit options, I like all of them staring right back at me so I can say, “Hey guy, I’m going to wear you today with this other guy” (yes I talk to my clothes, don’t you?)

So I had two options: 1. Throw my clothes on the floor and roll around in them crying screaming, “WHY?! WHY ME, LORD?!?!” or 2. Get creative.

To everyone’s shock and awe, I chose the later.

1. I became one with my space: I figured out where my furniture would fit best (and look best) in order to get an idea of how much space I was workin’ with and what storage option would work well with it. It also forced me to get all of my shit in order, otherwise I would be the girl who lived out of boxes.

2. I embraced storage options: I never understood “The Container Store” or people who were obsessed with it. Seemed like overpriced plastic nonsense for organizational freaks to me. Now I know … they are women who lack closet space. After realizing a rolling rack is what would fill my space void … I started researching Walmart, the Container Store, IKEA, Amazon … and numerous other random sites for the perfect one.

3. I got Pinterested: Not only did I need more space for my clothes … I needed it to look chic. This is my room, the expression of who I am, for the love of Jesus. I’ve worked tirelessly to create an oasis for myself and I wouldn’t have it ruined by an obtrusive piece of furniture that i just had to buy for the sake of storage. Eff that … aesthetics comes first. I therefore turned to Pinterest for creative options from shelving to rolling racks. I’m telling you, if you ever have a creative roadblock from style to home decor to world peace issues … Pinterest will save the day … I swear.

4. I became okay with failing: In this process, you need to know that your first attempt at storage solutions … won’t work. The storage Gods don’t play that way, homie. You will need to move furniture, reorganize, move furniture again. Shit will break and it will lead you to drink. You’ll buy one rolling rack, replace it for another, and drink some more. Or (like I did), make your mom tradesies with you for the perfect rolling rack fit.

5. I found rolling rack Jesus: Once you find the perfect storage solution … this overwhelming sense of peace takes over your body. No I’m serious, it is like an outer body experience … you just feel … soothed. Calm. Heavenly. No I’m CLEARLY not that much of a storage psychopath … but it was a vibrant sense of completeness when I turned my storage nightmare into this Pinterest-worthy creation. BOOM. Not only do I get to showcase all my fantastic pieces, but the rack works with the rest of my furniture, AND there is still so much room for ACTIVITIES!

The Finished Product: