Apple Watch: Not Allowed At My Arm Party

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There have been so many moments in my life where I’ve either laughed/made fun of a new product and/or vowed I would never use it. And many moons down the road, I have had to eat my words as I joyously indulged in said product. I have no shame in my game.

Like the iPhone, for example. I wanted to punt the idea of touch screen. I talked so much shit on touch screens, Apple should have been like, “nope … and zero iPhones for Kate Concannon, bye,” when I went to purchase my first one. 

And now … I shall hate on the Apple Watch. I assume in a couple months or years if I am given the option of sacrificing my first born or keeping my Apple Watch, I will have to painfully say goodbye to my child (kidding … duh … …), but for now, I’m hatin’ … abbreviation and all. 

When I was hatin’ on touch screens when the iPhone came out, it was still a phone. Something we ALL need to communicate with one another (at least I believe that is what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind … boom history). The Apple Watch, well, in my opinion, was made strictly because uber rich people ran out of crazy ass gadgets and needed something new to oogle over. And tech nerds. Don’t forget the tech nerds. 

For the average gal like me, I have no purpose to bring an Apple Watch to my arm party. I already over communicate with everyone and everything in my life with being on every social media channel ever created (exaggeration), so why in bloody hell do I need ANOTHER avenue to do so?! I won’t sleep! Disconnecting would be virtually impossible.

They are basically telling me to strap the stress of my life onto my wrist. When you don’t want to look at texts/email, you throw your phone in your purse, right? Now if you text a boy/girl you “like,” you literally have to stare at your wrist waiting for him/her to respond, unless you tie your hands around your back … but my God. MADNESS, ladies, MADNESS! Self control is out the window. I would lose my shit, and end up punting the thing across the room. Or at least ritualistically burning it. 


And can we talk about dinner etiquette? I think it is beyond rude when people are on their phones at dinner or out for cocktails (unless work shit is going on or an emergency, whatevs). Now you have no choice but to look at your wrist when that thing starts blinking and being all, “LOOK AT ME … HI … HI … IT’S YOUR APPLE WATCH … YOU HAVE AN EMAIL! OVER HERE! EMAIL!” It’s like an annoying kid pulling on your coattails. 


Cool idea? Totally. Who doesn’t want to pretend they are Inspector Gadget. And props to the PR guru who gave Beyonce an Apple Watch so she could style it and Instagram rocking it. Genius idea, hell, it even made me consider getting one for a split second, because, you know, whatever Beyonce does we all HAVE to do, am I right? 

But my wrists are only open for business to shiny things that don’t stress me out, stylish pieces of medal, diamonds … and the occasional temporary tattoo. Sorry Apple Watch … there are many MANY a designer good ahead of you for me to obtain.

What Does Your Watch Do?

… because my watches most definitely never tell the correct time. It isn’t because I’m lazy or have no interest in visiting a jeweler to replace my batteries, it is straight up because I consider watches to be equivalent to bracelets. I buy them based on how they look on my wrist, not how efficiently they will let me know what time of the day it is, because quite frankly I have 15 other devices that can do that for me. My car, the radio, my iTouch, my cell phone, my laptop, random people on the street (hello conversation starter), if all else fails, knowing the sun rises in the east and sets in the west … I mean I could go on and on and on.

Guys, on the other hand, wear watches for the polar opposite reason I do. They actually want to be able to look towards their left wrist and say, “why yes, it is 6:03 p.m. on the dot, ma’am.” It is the number one essential “man accessory” for crying out loud. And the best part is, if their batteries die, or they stop working, most guys I have found will not wear the watch for fear of being asked what time it is and not knowing the proper answer, even though they probably have 15 cheat sheets around them. It is an embarrassment, as a matter of fact, to some of them, and here I am waving my broken watch freak flag loudly and proudly. I’m not saying taking interest in the livelihood of your watch is a bad thing, in fact I find the continuation of this tradition of men taking pride in their watches quite charming. If only watch fobs and pocket watches could come back en vogue for men … now THAT would be the epitome of charm. I say start a revolution guys, until Tom Ford and Ralph Lauren hear you.

So ladies, what I am saying is there should be NO shame associated with you wearing a watch that doesn’t work, as long as it has a quality to make up for it like being a statement piece that can be considered “jewelry” or having a really chic vintage feel to it. Henceforth, say you have a Casio watch that you got at Wal-Mart that doesn’t work anymore … I would say let’s just donate that bad boy to Goodwill. I’m no snob, but it does need to have some sort of sparkle so people don’t think you are cra-cra.

Sidebar: The picture above is one of my absolute most favorite pieces of jewelry that I own, which belonged to my mom (technically I did not steal this from her, she is just another one that likes to have a functioning watch, to each their own I suppose). I think it is from the 70’s, but I wear it several times during the week and it is NEVER on the correct time, therefore I wear it as a statement piece. I think when it does end up being on the correct time for once will be the day that “The Rapture” actually comes and swallows us whole.