If Rihanna Is Fat, Then I’m The Michelin Man

90163d30bf65082a6033bad7fa6a6697We, as a society, have a problem. Actually no. Let me rephrase that. We, as a society, have MANY problems. 

Donald Trump is our “President,” the US is pretty much a stone’s throw away from becoming the Handmaid’s Tale, and oh yeah, people think Rihanna is fat?! Is anyone else pinching themselves like, “WAKE UP, self, WAKE UP, this shit can’t be real! Make it stop. I want to be a baby again!” (No? Just me?)

First of all, Barstool Sports, on behalf of ALL women, go fuck yourself. 

Second of all, didn’t your mama teach you to NEVER comment on a woman’s weight… that is unless you want to get smacked.

Because shit happens. Sometimes you get depressed and you gain weight. Sometimes you’re on medicine that makes you gain weight. Sometimes when your uterine lining sheds and you bleed from your vagina for a couple of days… guess what? You gain weight. 


And then there’s this mystical thing called, “living life.” It’s this crazy world where women get to kick back, relax, and not spend every waking minute counting calories or having a trainer bark instructions at you. Where you aren’t expected to have 6-pack abs and walk around in bandage dresses with insane five inch stilettos to “elongate our legs.” Vomit.

You just say, self, stop giving a fuck for one minute, and enjoy life. Show off your new curves. Have the second piece of cake. Indulge in your cravings. Don’t cringe at the thought of having to go to the gym after work. Just don’t go. Shh, I won’t tell anyone.


Aren’t we allowed to do that without some jackhole commenting that, “ooohhh someone has been hittin’ the room service a bit too hard.” 

Because as someone who has gained a bit of weight over the past few months, if these idiots think Rihanna is fat, then God damn, send me off to the bell tower, because clearly it’s not appropriate for society, especially males, to see me at such a size… GASP.


To answer your question, Barstool Sports, being “fat” will never be a trend. In fact, the word itself, in my opinion, should be banned because it is cruel and hurtful, much like your post about a woman you only know through your earbuds and shit you read on TMZ.

At the end of the day you have zero idea of what is going on in someone’s head or heart, or what is going on with someone’s health. 

So tell me. Why comment on shit you know zero about? 

Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra OUT.

Also, Rihanna, you’re beautiful. But you don’t need my ass to tell you that. #Queen


It’s Cool Not To Be Skeletor … I Promise.

Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra is all about commenting and making fun of all the heinous things we as ladies do for fashion. Some of it sucks … including wearing strapless bras … so sometimes you just have to laugh at the situation … henceforth why I’m here. And one of the many heinous things we as woman have to deal with is maintaining a “healthy” weight … a.k.a. don’t get fat, look fat, or exhibit any essence of fatness. Which brings me to the example of Lady Gaga.

I love me some Gaga. I actually adore her for numerous reasons that we won’t get into right now because I’ll start babbling on like a super fan with stars in her eyes. But I’m going to say it is absolutely appalling what the media is doing to her and the new meat on her bones. A year ago she was too skinny, had a drug problem, and looked sickly. Now it is “pork-her-face,” and unoriginal headlines about her eating her entire meat dress. Yeah … I definitely want to hear a reporter who is a dude commenting on a woman’s weight. Hmm mmm …

Yes … the Lady put on some weight. Yes, perhaps some of her stage outfits don’t look as rad as they once did … but this is a woman that we are talking about. A human being. Writing hurtful headlines and being so disgusted by her not looking like a stick anymore … sucks. This is why there are things called body image disorders and diseases like bulimia and anorexia. We are basically telling every girl out there that it is not okay to have a stomach and curves in the society we live in. Well … way to go a-holes. A lot of young girls live and die for Gaga. To think that these impressionable young ladies are reading this drivel and thinking to themselves, “yikes … am I too fat?” makes me want to punt my computer.

People actually seem to have conspiracy theories over why Gaga put on the pounds. Maybe she’s preggo? Maybe she let herself go? Perhaps this is one of her publicity stunts? Or hi, maybe she just decided to enjoy all the beautiful and delicious foods in life instead of settling with a Saltine and calling it a day. Think about it … the girl travels the world. I would ABSOLUTELY get my eat on if I was roaming through Europe. True, she is a performer and technically performers need to have sick bodies because they are sex symbols and run around a stage for hours on end … but do they really? I thought Gaga was known for her voice and cray-cray outfits and vision … not her six-pack. Just sayin’.

So let me let you in on a little secret. Girls … like to eat … A LOT. We might not shovel food in our faces around the general population, because for crying out loud we are ladies … but get us in a room with our girlfriends and a couple pizzas, junk food and beer and see the kind of work that can be done. We are hormonal creatures, we get hungry … really hungry … and eating is one of the most satisfying things in the world. To judge someone for that or to criticize weight gain is absolutely not fair … and quite frankly, no ones business. It is called manners and weight is not something you discuss out loud … idiots.

Everything in moderation is what I like to say. I’m actually happy Gaga put on a few pounds because personally, having a pop star to idolize like that who is so terribly thin that isn’t obtainable for everyone, is quite frustrating. Every woman has a different body, know that. We all have curves and lady lumps in different places … and there is nothing wrong with that. But the last thing we should be doing is judging one another for our weight. There is a fine line between enjoying life and being unhealthy, so as long as Gaga is eating wisely and working out (here and there, because God knows I don’t all the time), then she can tell the media to suck it, politely of course.

So next time you go to make a Lady Gaga’s fat joke, I want you to think about how you would feel with a headline concerning your weight. I want you to think about all the poor women in the world suffering with painful eating disorders. I want you to remember that there is NOTHING wrong with being slightly over weight. At the end of the day … it is about being healthy, not about being an insensitive idiot.

And if you don’t know … now you know.