The Northface Clones

8073301_fpxI’ve never put a lot of emphasis on being warm. I was that asshole in college that would strut around the streets of the city in “going out” tops when it was 30 below out that consisted of an inch of fabric around my taas, and nothing more, leaving onlookers to scream things like, “put a coat on ya whore, it’s freezing!” (Hi mom).

The Northface Denali was the thing to have during my high school/college years. Every girl had at least the black one, and maybe three others in different colors. I had to have it. I swear the good people over at The Northface sewed in hypnotizing devices in each coat so every girl who passed one immediately needed it.

When you come out of The Northface Denali haze, you realize what a true fool you were. There is absolutely no allure to this coat. They aren’t chic. They aren’t fashion-forward. They aren’t timeless. It’s just an overpriced black fleece coat, or excuse me, some weird technologically advanced fabric they engineered to keep you somewhat warm. That’s. About. It. Riveting, right? So I came to and indulged in some proper coats … trenches, over-sized black wool coats, faux fur. The warmth factor of all are debatable.

But let’s roll back to last winter, when the polar vortex was bitch slapping us every single day. The ice cold beating must have made me lose my marbles, because once again, I asked around for the “warmest coat out there,” and all I kept hearing was the long Northface puffy coat in black. I resisted temptation as much as I could, until I opened a Christmas present and found my mother had pulled the trigger for me. I was secretly so pumped. I was always so envious of the stylish girls in their long puffy coats, strutting down the street with their over-the-knee boots, red lips, and slicked back hair (I told you, I have a very vivid imagination). But why?

Sure, this coat is warm as hell. And I’m thankful for having it, I really am. That was until I whipped it out for the first time last week, and on my way to work, I felt like I was in a weird episode of the Twilight Zone. Ever single girl I passed had the same coat on that I was wearing. I wish I were exaggerating. Northface clones were strutting the streets of Philly. And it didn’t stop there. Every day after I saw them. And quite frankly, it freaked me out.

Listen, I don’t need to be the most original, the most outlandish, the one to flip their hair and be all, “I had that first,” I really don’t. In fact, I loathe those people. But why, dear God why, does everyone drink the Northface kool aid and all have to indulge in the same coat habits and be walking around like a Northface army or something? It’s a little weird when you think about it.

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I once again I fell down the Northface rabbit hole, and you know what? Once again I’m starring at this Northface coat that I’m so blessed to have and find no allure to it. It isn’t sexy. It isn’t cute. It isn’t timeless. It’s just warm. Perhaps I’ve been reading too much about Parisian women as of late, but we do too much damn work styling ourselves to be covering up it with coats that look like the Michelin Man designed it.

Again, I’m thoroughly thankful for the coat I have. I just wish I didn’t feel like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone when wearing it, like I’m apart of this army of Northface clones who capture non-Northface wearers, throw them in a cage, and make them drink the kool aid to be ONE OF US. ONE OF US. ONE OF US.

I told you, I have a very vivid imagination. 

When Fashion No Longer Matters

Randy-Snow-Suit-A-Christmas-StoryYou think with all of the designers and stores and collections that exist, fashion would forever and always be present in our lives, right? Looking your best no matter what the cost would always be priority, right? WRONG. All of that was shot to shit when Mother Nature decided to bitch slapped us with her negative 15 degree cold as ice hand.

Seriously, Mother Nature, what the eff? I wasn’t going to be like every other social media user and take a picture of my thermostat, Instagram it and be like “WHAAAAAAAA?!” but I couldn’t help it. Whilst getting dressed this morning, no longer was the goal to look put together and chic, the goal was to be as warm as humanly possible, at any cost.

For example I have these fierce pair of booties with a three inch heel that I got for my birthday, that I have been DYING to wear, and contemplated slipping them on this morning, but stopped myself. The idea of three pairs of socks, stockings, leggings and my over-the-knee boots just seemed like such a better plan. Sorry, booties, you’ll get ’em next time.

I can safely say, sitting here at this moment, that I resemble the abominable snowman. I’m wearing so many layers that I probably look 20 pounds over weight, and you know what? I don’t care. I call this me getting older and my tolerance for dealing with the insanely cold being barely there. I remember in college, heading out to the bar in 20 degree weather in literally a halter top and jeans, that is it. I was a poor college student, and knowing my drunk self would most likely lose my coat, decided it was a bad idea to bring it out. People screamed at my friends and I to “put on a coat, ya whores” and I literally rolled my eyes thinking they were nothing but squares. But some odd years later (not going to do that math for fear of depression), I think I was absolutely crazytown for doing that. My modern day self would call my college self a whore and shake my fist violently in shame and disgust, too.

You find yourself making choices when it is this cold. Do I wear the turban over my ears that makes the top of my hair look pointy and disheveled, or do I look cute without the turban and sacrifice my ears falling off due to the cold … hmm. Don’t worry, I compensated my off sense of fashion today with my fave NARS Scarlet Empress lipstick.

So with that being said, if you think you don’t look cute today, it is okay. Today is your hall pass for being warm instead of cute. Unless you are wearing UGGs, in that case, only God can help you now.

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Abominable Snowman Chic

So it is finally starting to get cold. Kinda. Sorta. Well, I mean if you think 50 degrees is terribly cold, which I do not. But like I said in an earlier post, I will be wearing my winter coat with pride because global warming will not dictate my fashion choices, only Karl Lagerfeld does that. Word.

Anywho, quite frankly the thought of putting on a mini skirt, tights and some sort of top and having ol’ man winters frigid breath torture me all night makes me want to dive head first back into my sweats, into my bed and underneath my comforter to watch a marathon of the Real Housewives (yes, my guilty pleasure). But, as females, we have the urge to hit the town. You know, let our hair down, throw our ambitions to the wind, bring all the boys to the said “yard” with our drunken dance moves and numerous other cliché things groups of girls do whilst out in the city. We’ll say things to each other like, “we don’t need guys, we just want to DANCE.” and “OMG, you are SO effing skinny,” and as the night comes to a close, my favorite and yours, “WHAAA DIS THA BISCH JUSSS SAY TO ME?!” You get the gist …

So here are just some of the reasons why it is dreadful to be a girl dressed to the nines and out of the town during the coldest months of the year, ahem:

1. The Fear Of Losing Your Coat: When you are trying to get your groove on, or even just mingle by the bar, the last thing you want to be doing is lugging around a huge coat over your arms. But the chances of you throwing it over a chair and having some drunk girl pick it up thinking your black coat is her black coat makes me not want to wear my said coat.

2. Skank Factor: Ah the summer months, times when showing some skin is such an easy thing. You throw on a cute sun dress, some strappy sandals and call it a day. When it is zero degrees out, though, it is a but more tricky. When staying warm takes over, it is then all about finding ways to show some skin without getting hypothermia and, you know … dying. The skin gets covered and the clothes get tighter.

3. Cold Weather Accessories: Just another pain in my ass. When it is brutally cold, gloves and a scarf are absolutely necessary. But when you are carrying a match stick size purse and your coat doesn’t have big enough pockets, what the hell do you do with them? You know what you do with them, you end up not wearing them and getting hypothermia. Don’t get me wrong, I live for a cute pair of gloves and a scarf, but they just aren’t made for a hot night out on the town.

4. The Rare and Allusive Long Sleeved Dress: Tell me something, any time of the year, I could go out to pretty much any store and find a really cut strapless dress, spaghetti strap dress, even a maxi dress. But why in blazing hell can I only find long-sleeved dresses that school marms from the 1800’s would wear. And the other extreme are these Kim Kardashian, sarin wrap dresses that leave NOTHING to the imagination. I don’t need everyone seeing all of my jiggly bits, thanks. Happy medium please, happy … medium. They are the perfect solution to looking sexy in the winter months … work it out, designers.

5. I Swear I’m Not an Abominable Snowman: I hate to admit this, but when I was in college and we would go out in the city, we sometimes wouldn’t wear coats and literally run from the cab to the bar in like a halter top, jeans and heels. If I had a nickel for every time some said, “Put a coat on you crazy bitch!” I would, you know … have some nickels. But regardless, we did it because A. we didn’t want to carry around our coats, B. we didn’t want the coat taking away from the outfit. Wearing out a puffy coat with a fur hood takes away from any look you are trying to create for that night. My solution: Go to a Forever 21 type store, buy a cheap, cheap coat and call it your “going out coat.” So if you lose it, stain it, light it on fire … it won’t mean anything.

The list goes on and on. Apparently we have another two months worth of looking like abdominal snowmen, ladies. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for fashions sake … I kind of can’t wait for warmer weather.