The Similarities Between Dating And Shopping

Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 4.29.32 PMI’m not sure if I believe in love at first sight with human beings, but I absolutely believe in love at first sight with inanimate objects. Like this delicious handbag to the left. It’s good, right? The minute it and myself locked eyes, it was over. We had to be with one another … or … I had to be with it. 

And that’s when I decided there really isn’t THAT much difference between finding a really great guy and a really great handbag (Jesus do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw up in this bitch or what). 

The emotions I felt today before purchasing this magnificent beast were all too familiar. The racing heart, the drooling (just a little … :::shifty eyes:::), the feeling of just wanting to hold it and caress it. Video montages of us strolling down the street on a beautiful fall day together playing in my head. You know the drill.  

For example, if I locked eyes with a swoon-worthy dude, I would probably escape as quickly as I could to stalk him on the interwebs to make sure he wasn’t wanted for murder (oh shush, you do it, too). And … you know … just to stare at him a little more. But handbags don’t have Facebook pages. They have product pages on store websites. So I kept a secret tab open all day so I could keep taking small ganders at it.

When you leave a guy after a first date and are in the “flirting stage” of your relationship, there is always a fear that someone better will come along and distract your prey (or am I just a freak?). You’re completely blinded by all these crazy emotions, and find yourself constantly on edge like, “what the eff is happening!?”

In a similar state of fear, I found myself carrying on with my day, forgetting the handbag existed, only to get a moment to myself and think, “wonder if some other bitch scooped up my bag?!” I frantically clicked the tab, and with a sigh of relief saw it was still available. BUT … I placed one carefully in my “shopping cart” just to be safe. On a different note, if only dating was this easy, right? You like a guy, lift him into your imaginary “dating cart”, and boom … you’ve found eternal happiness. (Seriously what is WITH my Carrie Bradshaw vibes today?!)

Then there is that feeling like you’re going to vom. Like his sheer presence in front of you makes you so weak in the knees, you could literally hurl all over him and yourself (hot, right?). Turns out shopper’s remorse has the same effect. I wanted this bag. I NEEDED this bag. It was me in every sense of my being. But it was a little expensive. JUST a little. I believe a purchase over $50 is something you should think about. But much like seeing a crush, the shopper’s remorse was making me want to hurl all over my MacBook. 

And just like making your relationship “Facebook official” or accepting that marriage proposal and gorgeous ring, getting that email that says “your purchase is being processed” after pulling the trigger … well … there is nothing more satisfying in the world. Now all I can do is wait patiently for my love to show up at my door step so I can twirl in circles as I hug it, and Instagram the shit out of it (seriously, I need a therapist), because much like your engagement ring, clearly all anyone cares about is my handbag.

So while I’m clearly no expert on dudes or relationships (really … the Carrie Bradshaw vibes are giving me the heebie geebies), I AM an expert on a good handbag. And while I would say, yeah totally, go out and get it, too. It’s such a good handbag that EVERY woman should have it. I can only say in the nicest way possible, “LAY OFF, LADY, IT’S TAKEN!” 

Cat Calling Your Clothes

pantsoffIf you are woman, you’ve been cat called in some way. For me it is usually overly cocky construction workers telling me to, “smile,” which makes me turn into Satan. But either way, there will forever and always be those gross men in this world that think it is okay to compliment a woman by screaming awkwardly at her on the street. “YO BA-BEEEE, BRING THAT OVER HERE TO DADDY.” Oh yes, I forgot, let me swoon, twirl my hair, and bring “that” over to you. Which is my fist. To your balls.

And listen, if you haven’t had the pleasure of being cat called, consider yourself lucky. It is just straight up embarrassing and doesn’t make you more of a woman or validate your “hotty status” in any way shape or form.

But I realized something over this past weekend. I found myself in Zara, drooling over their fall line and twirling around saying, “it’s too good … it’s all TOO good!” with stars in my eyes. Especially when I came across this amazing motorcycle jacket (see below). It was straight up sexy … I had to have it. But I found myself verbally harassing the inanimate object for no apparent reason:


“Look at you over there, you leather temptress.”
“You need to come home to mama.”
“Oh baby … bring that over here and be mine.”

Umm yeah … awkward as shit. I’m very much aware. But when I fall for a piece of clothing like I did for this motorcycle jacket, it is love …pure, unadulterated love. And I feel very much the need to express that love … by acting like a buffoon on the street ogling ladies and making them blush with embarrassment.

Listen, if I were this leather motorcycle jacket, I would have totally slapped me across the face. “FRESH! :::Slap:::” But my mom always told me to invest in a good,expensive piece only if you love it so much you could kiss it. And I suppose I took that a step too far. Unfortunately my leather love muffin is still sitting in the store as A. they didn’t have my size and B. a $300 leather motorcycle jacket just isn’t in the budget unless I wanted to live out of it for a few months.

I’m not saying it is okay for assholes to whistle at ladies on the street and embarrass us profusely, but I AM saying it is okay to cat call your clothes … because that only means you love it so much you could kiss it.

The Best Of The Best Of The Best … 2011 Styley

The ball is about to drop kiddos, and I don’t know about you but I am welcoming 2012 with open arms. Hell, I might even make out with it a little bit … good riddens to ya 2011. But on that note, it has been a fabulous year for fashion and for this blog. So I would like to share with you what I like to call “The Best Of The Best Of The Best … 2011 Styley” list. The things that inspired me, the trends I loved, the trends I didn’t think I was going to love but did, the trends I wanted to punt … you get the gist.

So here it is ladies and gents, join me in bidding 2011 adieu.

Best Fashion Website:

The winner goes to I don’t even know how I stumbled upon it, but I live on it now. My favorite thing about the site is that they not only discuss trends, but supply these fabulous slide shows of where you can get the trends from $10 to $1,000. Genius. From cool new ways to wear a trend, to hangover cures, to cool artists who vomit paint onto a canvas, this site inspires me everyday … and has enhanced my wardrobe quite a bit.

Old School Trend I Didn’t Think I Would Ever Rock: 

The jean jacket. For the love of God, I thought I retired that nonsense back in the second grade, along with my bedazzler. But when I invested in a maxi skirt and had nothing respectable to wear with it besides a blazer, which made me look like a weird school marm, I drove myself to H&M and invest in a jean jacket. It was my go-to for everything maxi this summer. Sure, there were some days when I looked like Brenda Walsh from 90210, but it was a very stylish retro look that I couldn’t get enough of.

Style Stud Inspiration: 

Lady Gaga … I know I know, the woman looks like she gets dressed in a hurricane everyday and is wild and how could she EVER inspire my sense of style, blah blah blah. I’m not saying I’m walking about in nothing but a leather jacket, ripped fish nets, black and white hair and heelless boots, I’m absolutely not. But the reason she inspired me this year is her confidence with fashion. There are days when I stare at a leather skirt in my closet and wonder to myself, it is too much, is it too short, will I look like a hooker? When if it was her, it wouldn’t even be a thought. She loves fashion and she isn’t afraid to pull those crazytown couture looks off the runway, you know the ones that are only seen by like 20 people, while the rest of us are scared of them, and make them her own. We should all take a page from her book, think of how freeing it will be.

Favorite Accessory: 

I absolutely had a cuff addiction this year. Not just a cuff addiction but a cuff and big watch addiction. I didn’t really care about the necklaces or the rings or the other nonsense. But give me a sparkly or bold cuff and a menswear watch and I was in heaven. My wrists were very loved this year.

Favorite Store: 

I’m a Forever 21 and H&M girl at heart. But this year I had a secret love affair with Zara. I would drive my car into the city and literally wander around Zara for hours with piles and piles of clothes, allowing myself to try things on for “funsies.” And usually those were the things I fell in love with. From the color blocking, to the original dresses, I was in heaven. In fact, I’m going through withdrawal as I type.

Favorite Nail Polish:

Again, I’m usually an OPI girl, but a little sale and I started cheating on OPI with Butter. From the packaging to the colors themselves, they are fabulous and for some odd reason really make me feel special. I usually switch between black, nude, navy and red … but at the end of the day, my nails are usually red 85% of the time. I highly recommend Come To The Bed … it is my life. I’ve already gone through two bottles … I did the impossible, I finished 2 whole bottles of nail polish!

Biggest Trend Failure:

Tail hemlines. Ugh. I loved them, loved, loved, loved. So I invest in a sheer, pink (first fail) tail hemline skirt, thinking I could make it a little edgier with a pair of biker boots and a plain white T-shirt with a lot of bling. Instead I ended up looking like a cracked out ballerina. You know that scene from Ace Ventura when he goes to the loony bin wearing a tutu … yep, that was me. I got violently angry every time I tried to mold it into something fantastic. I even tried a tail hemline shirt, but ended up looking like I was going to Poison concert circa 1982 with my belly slightly exposed. Gross, I despise you.

Trend I Couldn’t Live Without: 

With the crazytown weather we had this summer, I would have been utterly lost without my maxi dresses. In fact, I am looking into long sleeve maxi dresses right now because, yes, I miss them that much. They were romantic, stylish and EASY. Sigh, how I miss them.

Over It:

I realize I may offend like half the female population when I say this, and for that I apologize, but I’m done with the whole longer top with leggings. Over. Done with it. It isn’t because it’s not chic, but because it is played out. You know when you hear the same song on the radio so much that the minute it comes on again you want to punt your radio? Well, that is how I feel about this trend. If only it was socially acceptable to wear leggings with anything … I would be a much happier person.

Favorite Shoe Designer: 

Jeffrey Campbell, hands down. Now, of course he doesn’t design “every day” shoes, but his vision and the fact that his shoes really are art make him my fav. I personally can’t wear his shoes because I would look tranny-rific, but if you are looking for a statement piece in your wardrobe, become one with Jeffrey. I do love going to visit them in the Nordstrom shoe department though.

Best Fashion Moment:

For me, it was absolutely the McQueen exhibit at the MET in NYC … the only time standing in line for four hours was SO beyond worth it. I hope some of you got a chance to see it, and for those of you who didn’t, well I hope it comes around again. It was so moving, so powerful and so beautiful, it literally moved me to tears.

So there ya have it. I mean obviously this isn’t every thing, but definitely the ones that stuck out the most. Hmm, I wonder what crazytown things we will end up wearing in 2012 for the sake of fashion.






The Death Of My Bank Account: Zara Ecommerce

Zara is my crack, flat out. I’m a firm believer that too much of one thing is never good, so I made going to Zara a special Sunday ritual to avoid a full-blown addiction. Occasionally, at the beginning of a season or whenever I needed a good ol’ fashion pick me up, I would get in my car, go into the city and escape for a couple of hours in the land of Zara. It was a good addiction because I knew it wasn’t easy for me to get to, since it involved driving into the city, which after a long day of work is like the last thing I want to do. And whenever I got the craving for Zara or decided I needed that one thing I wanted but did not purchase in order to save some money, I knew I couldn’t get it because … genius … Zara doesn’t do the whole ecommerce thang.

But tomorrow something scary … yet awesome … will happen. Zara will open its ecommerce doors for the first time. Sigh. If you aren’t familiar with this brand, it is absolutely amazing on so many different levels. The only way I can describe it is if say H&M and a chic european brand had a baby … that would be it. From Suzy suit to hipster chic, there is truly something for everyone. Sure, their prices are a bit more steep then say H&M or Forever 21 … but the quality, tailoring and detail is genius. If you are looking for couture-esque looking cloths but do not want to pay the true prices for them, this is a great way to get around all that jazz.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely thrilled this is happening. I mean welcome to the 21st century Zara. I’m just coming to terms with the fact that I MAY become the girl who lives out of her Zara wardrobe. It is waaaay too accessible now, especially since I know all of my sizes. I keep telling myself that I will keep my Sunday rituals alive and will pretend that this ecommerce beast doesn’t exist, but like I said, Zara is my crack.

So if you aren’t familiar with the brand, I would highly suggest frolicking through the site tomorrow as you will be able to obtain some really chic, colorful and different pieces for your wardrobe. Me … well … I’m probably going to try to hide my debit card from myself in hopes that I don’t black out and buy the whole fall line.

Don’t they have support groups for this type of thing?

Holy Heat Wave!

Leaving work today, the inside of my car said it was 107 degrees … and what it says usually goes. In the winter, when it gets below 20 degrees … it will say something like “ice warning.” I wonder why it didn’t say something like, “holy shit your car is about to burst into flames … RUN,” today. Anyways after burning my legs on my fiery hot leather seats (I know, I know poooooor me), and listened to the weather, it was brought to my attention that most of the U.S. is in heat wave mode, 13 plus have already died, and, sigh, it is only going to get hotter throughout the week.

So for those of us who have to look like decent human beings while in our workplace, here are some suggestions on how to stay classy, chic and cool. For those of you who don’t have to go to work, I envy you … and by envy I mean hate … and really the only suggestion I have for you is to: A. Either find a bathing suit, a pool, some SPF and work on your tan, or B. Walk around naked … wanna know why? Because you can!

Who Wears Short Shorts?: A lot of dress codes aren’t down with shorts, but hopefully your dress code melts a little along with everything else in this heat. Shorts on me personally do not work because I am 5’9 and everything tends to look shorter on me than they actually are, so I would be bordering Hookerville if I wore these in my office. And I would most certainly avoid jean shorts for fear of a “Britney” moment … wait … not THAT kind of “Britney” moment … but a “Britney” moment when she was married to K-Fed and only wore beaters, jean shorts with the pockets hanging out, and trucker hats … ick. City shorts are fantastic as they are office friendly, a bit on the longer side, and completely flattering and chic paired with a the right tank. Jazz it up with some statement jewelry and a pair of fierce wedges and you, my friend, will most definitely not be sent home with a dress code violation.

Maxi Everything: I never thought I could love something more than my maxi dress, until I met the maxi skirt. Both are MUST HAVE staples, especially in a heat wave. They are simple, they breathe, they are ultimately chic, and did I mention they literally take no thought, because they don’t … and who really wants to think in this heat. People say not to wear black when it is hot out, but I refuse to retire the black parts of my wardrobe for any kind of natural disaster or weather warning, so a great maxi skirt like this one from TOPSHOP can be transformed into several different looks. And even if you are on the shorter side, there is nothing more charming than walking around having to pick up your skirt elegantly so it doesn’t graze the floor. I don’t have that problem, but I do it anyway because it makes me feel fancy.

Do The No Pants Dance: Minds out of the gutters people, seriously, who wants to wear pants when its a bazillion degrees outside? Welcome to suffocation station … supplement the pants with flowing dresses and skirts. Without a doubt, Zara has some of the most interesting and classic dresses out there (and they are having a MASSIVE SALE right now … eeeeee!) The pleated dress would be a great example of a classic look with a little bit of an edge. It’s kind of a blessing that Zara doesn’t have an e-commerce section to their website, otherwise I would be the girl who lived in her million pretty little Zara dresses. They truly have something for EVERYONE … and a lot of their stuff is work appropriate, so much that you don’t even need to throw a cardigan over it.

Hydrate For The Love of God: I know this might seem like common knowledge and you might be wanting to exit out of this blog post, pointing at your screen calling me “Captain Obvious,” but wait … wait … wait for it. Looking fashion forward instead of a hot, sweaty, disgusting, makeup melting mess … starts with water. Being properly hydrated allows your skin to naturally glow, which is the base camp for style. So make sure you carry as many water bottles as you can in that fashionable purse of yours … which can also double as a work out if you carry several. Hello killing two birds with one stone!

So everyone be mindful in this heat and take care of yourself, loved ones, pets, and the elderly. And for those of you, again, who get to kick it by a pool and work on your tan whilst sipping margaritas and other frothy drinks … I hate you, but pour some out for me.