Unfortunately my family doesn’t own a chain of popular hotels, nor was my father a very famous attorney who represented a very famous football player who may or may not have murdered his wife, nor am I the daughter of a famous actor of actress, therefore my life consists of choices.

Do I want to buy a pair of Louboutin’s … or do I want to live in a van down by the river?

Do I want to buy a Chanel quilted purse … or do I want to be forced to dance around my place with my new Chanel purse in my PJs in a sea of eviction notices, sans power with my cats (think Grey Gardens) as my friends gallivant out on the town?

You get the idea.

So I have had my iPhone 4 for about 2 years now. Let me say, I am not the type of gal that needs the latest and greatest technology. I’m all about getting the previous version for $100 less that basically does the same thing. Hence why I got the 4 when the 4S came out … and you know what, who needs Siri, from what I hear she is a saucy bitch. But I digress.

So this morning, I found myself getting high on Apple for no apparent reason. I felt this insane pressure to jump in on the craze happening around the country known as the iPhone 5C and 5S. All of a sudden I was frantically trying to get into my online Sprint (yes, I have Sprint … go ahead, make your comments) account, which I NEVER do (hi, I’m old school). But my user ID was wrong and then my password wouldn’t work, and a Pin!? God. Dammit … who made me a Pin?! Then I tried my “secret question” which was “what street did I grow up on.” Welp, Sprint, I only grew up on ONE street, and that answer wasn’t correct, so clearly I was drunk when I made this devil account. So yeah, I was seconds away from flipping my desk prostitution whore-style. Then jumping on my flipped desk like a wild beast screaming and pounding my chest.

I literally did everything in my power until FINALLY by the good graces of Jesus I somehow was able to log in and quickly throw an iPhone 5 in my shopping cart. Mwahahaha IT WILL BE MINE :::lightening bolts crash::: I was salivating. I was mad. I made it all the way to check out, tackled my purse to retrieve my credit card  … when …

I decided to take a deep breath. Compose myself. And at that moment I felt my heart racing like a maniac and saw what I looked like enduring this insane Apple attack from the outside. I had turned into the ultimate spazz. My eyes were probably dilated, too for all I know. What the hell? Why was I about to buy a brand new phone when in reality, minus a few bumps and scratches, my iPhone 4 is f-i-n-e. My case is cute (like to die for cute), and I’ve had a love affair with this phone for 2 whole years, longer than most of my actual relationships … so why would I just trade it in (literally), like it meant nothing to me? And then a photo montage of good times with my iPhone started to move through my head (juuuuuust kidding, I’m not that insane … well, okay maybe a little).

You wanna know what truly stopped be from purchasing a brand new iPhone today? Boots. Fall. Boots. :::Swoon::: I already have a functioning iPhone. And iOS 7 … screw that, who needs it when you can have a luscious pair of over-the-knee black leather boots … :::sigh::: I can 100% deal with a slower moving system, and a phone that sometimes drops calls, and maybe an on and off button that doesn’t completely work and sometimes seems to bruise my thumb, for a couple fantastic pairs of fall boots in numerous colors and textures.

So suck it, iOS 7 nerds, mama is embracing her now vintage iPhone 4 and buying herself a couple of pairs of fierce boots and booties. Make fun of my iOS 6 all you want, iOS don’t give a shit. Vintage iPhone’s are the new black, you heard it here first.

Yes, kids …today was the day that fashion beat out technology, at least in my world.

All funds that would have gone to the iPhone will be going here: